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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Minusaramadad from Arctaroon John King's Avatar
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    Joke Thread

    A banker,an electrician and a politician were all asked the same question:"Name the problem that occurs when expeniture exceeds input".The banker replied "Overdraft".The electrician replied "Overload".The politician replied "What problem?"

  2. #2
    Keeper of Bab's Death Stare... nubka's Avatar
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    What do you call a snail on a ship.....a snailor!!!

    O.k., I admit it...I stole this joke from Spongebob Squarepants!

  3. #3
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    Another New Use For Duct Tape

    Got this in an email. I think it's a good joke.



    Dee

  4. #4
    MY TVC 1 5 SeaniBu's Avatar
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    I am a blonde, so this should be OK.....

    .... Like anyone couldn't have guessed that by reading some of my posts.

    A joke I made up long ago - have had people repeat it to me recently, so it came full circle.

    A blonde is traveling down the rural highway (farm country) and looks out to the middle of a green pasture to see a blond person sitting in a row boat on top of a stack of hay bails rowing away. Franticly stroking the oars in the air as if to be attempting to get some place. ???

    The blonde driving Slams on the breaks and pulls off to the side of the fence separating the green open pasture from where they pulled over the car. The blonde stands up in the car seat and starts yelling at the blonde in the row boat.
    "Hey you, STUPID! It's blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt!"

  5. #5
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    Sean,

    About six months ago, my great-aunt Rose retired after a working life that spanned more than fifty years. I talked to her the other day and asked what she does to make her days interesting.

    “Oh,” she said, “I’m really enjoying retirement. I play bridge a couple of days a week, and on Fridays I meet a group of other retired ladies at some nice place for lunch. And most other days, my good friend Helen and I get together.”

    “Do you ever get tired of your ‘routine’?” I asked.

    “Goodness, no,” she chuckled. “Helen and I always can find something new to do that’s fun. For example, one day last week, Helen and I went into town and stopped into this new little shop. We were only in there for about ten minutes; but when we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Young man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Peanut Brain. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

    “So Helen called him a Pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a ticket for not being close enough to the curb. When I said, ‘Hey, Linguine -for-brains, don’t you have some criminals to go chase?’ he started writing a fourth ticket for a loose piece of chrome on the rear fender. This went on for about twenty minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    “Finally, with a whole stack of tickets on the windshield, he got back on his motorcycle and rode off down the street.”

    “Good Lord, Aunt Rose,” I said, “you’re probably lucky he didn’t arrest you! All those tickets must have added up to a fortune.”

    “Maybe you’re right, Honey; I don’t really know. You see, Helen and I came into town on the bus. As I said, we just try to have a little fun each day. It's important at our age, you know.”

  6. #6
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    Joe's will specified $30,000 was to be spent for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

    "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
    "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
    "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
    Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
    Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? Good grief, how big is it?"
    "Two-and-a-half carats."

  7. #7
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    The Talking Dog

    I'm on a roll. I have a weird sense of humor and this one just cracked me up.

    A TALKING DOG

    A man is walking down the street and sees a sign that reads, “Talking dog for sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard, where he sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, and I was one of their most valuable operatives for eight years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down, and signed up for a job at the airport to do undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”

    The dog gave a bit of a yawn, stretched, and continued, “Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars," the guy says, with a sneer.

    "Ten dollars? This dog is incredible. Why on earth are you selling him for only ten dollars?"

    "Because he's a liar, that’s why. He never did any of that!"


    Sorry, I just think this is hilarious!!

  8. #8
    Minusaramadad from Arctaroon John King's Avatar
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    It was at the end of a long day,when the lady in the office plops her head on the desk and declares "T - G - I - F!".To which her colleague says to her "S - H - I - T!"

    (Lady,increduoulsy):"What do you mean by that?!?!"

    "Well,what do you mean by "T - G - I - F?"

    "Thank God it's Friday!But...what do you mean by 'S - H - I - T'?"

    "Sorry Honey,it's Thursday"

  9. #9
    In my heart, I'm actually Canadian....
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    The local pastor goes to a farm couple's house for dinner. As dinner is served, the pastor notices that the dishes the food is being served on do not look entirely clean.
    The pastor says, "I don't wish to offend you, but are you sure that these dishes have been washed?"
    The wife says, "Why, these dishes are as clean as soap and water can get them!"
    The pastor eats the dinner, then afterwards leaves to go back to the church. As he leaves the property, he sees the wife on the back step with two dirty dishes from the dinner in her hand calling, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

  10. #10
    Da' Spellin' Homegirl Grgranny's Avatar
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    I know lots of really good jokes and if I ever remember them, I'll post them.

    When we were doing the art and craft shows, my husband (anytime) always had his crack showing and it was really embarrassing to me. Finally, I talked to the show sponsor and then I told a lie. Me, I really lied? Hey, it felt good maybe I'll lie again. I went back to the booth and told my husband I had been talking to different ones and heard that they weren't going to let us do any more shows with them because of the "crack". After that he hardly let it happen again.
    Well, that is one lie I'm glad I told. He never found out that I made it up.
    Also, I would give him birthday, etc. cards and kept them and gave him the same one every year and he never caught on.

  11. #11
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grgranny View Post
    I Also, I would give him birthday, etc. cards and kept them and gave him the same one every year and he never caught on.
    Grgranny,

    Dee

  12. #12
    Custom Title antmanb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dee4707 View Post
    I'm on a roll. I have a weird sense of humor and this one just cracked me up.

    A TALKING DOG

    A man is walking down the street and sees a sign that reads, “Talking dog for sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard, where he sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, and I was one of their most valuable operatives for eight years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down, and signed up for a job at the airport to do undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”

    The dog gave a bit of a yawn, stretched, and continued, “Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars," the guy says, with a sneer.

    "Ten dollars? This dog is incredible. Why on earth are you selling him for only ten dollars?"

    "Because he's a liar, that’s why. He never did any of that!"


    Sorry, I just think this is hilarious!!

    i liked that!!!

    Ant

  13. #13
    Custom Title antmanb's Avatar
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    This is one of favourite jokes of all time i received in an email. It never fails to get a full belly laugh from me:

    Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
    baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always
    had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

    Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it
    became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is
    such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
    on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

    Some months later, her car broke down on the way home
    from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told
    him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
    On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the
    baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles
    to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the
    time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she
    knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

    All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home
    she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed
    excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,

    "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

    He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the
    table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the
    blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to
    touch the blindfold until he returned.

    He then went to answer the telephone.
    The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and
    the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
    was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her
    weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
    fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

    She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then,
    she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of
    cooked cabbage.

    Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other
    room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the
    telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
    a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her
    hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of
    innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
    long. He asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not.

    At this point, he removed the blindfold ... and she was
    surprised!!

    There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
    her a "Happy Birthday"!!!


  14. #14
    Custom Title antmanb's Avatar
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    Me second fave joke:

    Never Lie To Your Mother

    A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinne. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help butnotice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She has long been suspicious of a relationship between the tow, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inteact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

    Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteerd, "I know what you must be thinking but i assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".

    About a week later, Simon came to Pter saying, "Ever since you mother came to dinner, i've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

    "Well, i doubt it, but i'll email her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:

    "Dear Mother,

    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the frying pan from my house, i'm not saying that you 'did not' take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love Peter"

    Several days later, PEter received an email from his mother which read:

    "Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Simon, and i am not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.

    Love Mum"

  15. #15
    Da' Spellin' Homegirl Grgranny's Avatar
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    Doc joke

    A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question? The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine . I also can can open hearts , take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So, how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
    The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
    "Try doing it with the engine running!"

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