Joke Thread | Golden Skate

Joke Thread

John King

Final Flight
Joined
Jul 26, 2003
A banker,an electrician and a politician were all asked the same question:"Name the problem that occurs when expeniture exceeds input".The banker replied "Overdraft".The electrician replied "Overload".The politician replied "What problem?"
 

nubka

Final Flight
Joined
Aug 19, 2003
What do you call a snail on a ship.....a snailor!!!

O.k., I admit it...I stole this joke from Spongebob Squarepants!
 

Dee4707

Ice Is Slippery - Alexie Yagudin
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Country
United-States
Another New Use For Duct Tape

Got this in an email. I think it's a good joke.

Duct%20Tape.bmp


Dee
 

SeaniBu

Record Breaker
Joined
Mar 19, 2006
I am a blonde, so this should be OK.....

.... Like anyone couldn't have guessed that by reading some of my posts.:laugh:

A joke I made up long ago - have had people repeat it to me recently, so it came full circle.:agree:

A blonde is traveling down the rural highway (farm country) and looks out to the middle of a green pasture to see a blond person sitting in a row boat on top of a stack of hay bails rowing away. Franticly stroking the oars in the air as if to be attempting to get some place. ???

The blonde driving Slams on the breaks and pulls off to the side of the fence separating the green open pasture from where they pulled over the car. The blonde stands up in the car seat and starts yelling at the blonde in the row boat.
"Hey you, STUPID! It's blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt!"
 

Dee4707

Ice Is Slippery - Alexie Yagudin
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Country
United-States
Sean, :laugh: :laugh:

About six months ago, my great-aunt Rose retired after a working life that spanned more than fifty years. I talked to her the other day and asked what she does to make her days interesting.

“Oh,” she said, “I’m really enjoying retirement. I play bridge a couple of days a week, and on Fridays I meet a group of other retired ladies at some nice place for lunch. And most other days, my good friend Helen and I get together.”

“Do you ever get tired of your ‘routine’?” I asked.

“Goodness, no,” she chuckled. “Helen and I always can find something new to do that’s fun. For example, one day last week, Helen and I went into town and stopped into this new little shop. We were only in there for about ten minutes; but when we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Young man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Peanut Brain. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

“So Helen called him a Pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a ticket for not being close enough to the curb. When I said, ‘Hey, Linguine -for-brains, don’t you have some criminals to go chase?’ he started writing a fourth ticket for a loose piece of chrome on the rear fender. This went on for about twenty minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

“Finally, with a whole stack of tickets on the windshield, he got back on his motorcycle and rode off down the street.”

“Good Lord, Aunt Rose,” I said, “you’re probably lucky he didn’t arrest you! All those tickets must have added up to a fortune.”

“Maybe you’re right, Honey; I don’t really know. You see, Helen and I came into town on the bus. As I said, we just try to have a little fun each day. It's important at our age, you know.”
 

Dee4707

Ice Is Slippery - Alexie Yagudin
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Country
United-States
Joe's will specified $30,000 was to be spent for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? Good grief, how big is it?"
"Two-and-a-half carats."
 

Dee4707

Ice Is Slippery - Alexie Yagudin
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Country
United-States
The Talking Dog

I'm on a roll. I have a weird sense of humor and this one just cracked me up.

A TALKING DOG

A man is walking down the street and sees a sign that reads, “Talking dog for sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard, where he sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, and I was one of their most valuable operatives for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down, and signed up for a job at the airport to do undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”

The dog gave a bit of a yawn, stretched, and continued, “Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says, with a sneer.

"Ten dollars? This dog is incredible. Why on earth are you selling him for only ten dollars?"

"Because he's a liar, that’s why. He never did any of that!"


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Sorry, I just think this is hilarious!!
 

John King

Final Flight
Joined
Jul 26, 2003
It was at the end of a long day,when the lady in the office plops her head on the desk and declares "T - G - I - F!".To which her colleague says to her "S - H - I - T!"

(Lady,increduoulsy):"What do you mean by that?!?!"

"Well,what do you mean by "T - G - I - F?"

"Thank God it's Friday!But...what do you mean by 'S - H - I - T'?"

"Sorry Honey,it's Thursday"
 

JonnyCoop

Record Breaker
Joined
Dec 28, 2003
The local pastor goes to a farm couple's house for dinner. As dinner is served, the pastor notices that the dishes the food is being served on do not look entirely clean.
The pastor says, "I don't wish to offend you, but are you sure that these dishes have been washed?"
The wife says, "Why, these dishes are as clean as soap and water can get them!"
The pastor eats the dinner, then afterwards leaves to go back to the church. As he leaves the property, he sees the wife on the back step with two dirty dishes from the dinner in her hand calling, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
 

Grgranny

Da' Spellin' Homegirl
Joined
Jul 26, 2003
I know lots of really good jokes and if I ever remember them, I'll post them. :rofl:

When we were doing the art and craft shows, my husband (anytime) always had his crack showing and it was really embarrassing to me. Finally, I talked to the show sponsor and then I told a lie. Me, I really lied? Hey, it felt good maybe I'll lie again. :rofl: I went back to the booth and told my husband I had been talking to different ones and heard that they weren't going to let us do any more shows with them because of the "crack". After that he hardly let it happen again. :rofl:
Well, that is one lie I'm glad I told. He never found out that I made it up.
Also, I would give him birthday, etc. cards and kept them and gave him the same one every year and he never caught on. :rofl:
 

antmanb

Record Breaker
Joined
Feb 5, 2004
I'm on a roll. I have a weird sense of humor and this one just cracked me up.

A TALKING DOG

A man is walking down the street and sees a sign that reads, “Talking dog for sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard, where he sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, and I was one of their most valuable operatives for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down, and signed up for a job at the airport to do undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”

The dog gave a bit of a yawn, stretched, and continued, “Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says, with a sneer.

"Ten dollars? This dog is incredible. Why on earth are you selling him for only ten dollars?"

"Because he's a liar, that’s why. He never did any of that!"


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Sorry, I just think this is hilarious!!


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: i liked that!!!

Ant
 

antmanb

Record Breaker
Joined
Feb 5, 2004
This is one of favourite jokes of all time i received in an email. It never fails to get a full belly laugh from me:

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always
had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it
became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is
such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, her car broke down on the way home
from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told
him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the
baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles
to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the
time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she
knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home
she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed
excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,

"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the
table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the
blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and
the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her
weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then,
she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of
cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other
room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the
telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her
hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of
innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long. He asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold ... and she was
surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 

antmanb

Record Breaker
Joined
Feb 5, 2004
Me second fave joke:

Never Lie To Your Mother

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinne. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help butnotice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She has long been suspicious of a relationship between the tow, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inteact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteerd, "I know what you must be thinking but i assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Pter saying, "Ever since you mother came to dinner, i've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well, i doubt it, but i'll email her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the frying pan from my house, i'm not saying that you 'did not' take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Peter"

Several days later, PEter received an email from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Simon, and i am not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.

Love Mum"
 

Grgranny

Da' Spellin' Homegirl
Joined
Jul 26, 2003
Doc joke

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question? The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine . I also can can open hearts , take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So, how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
 

Dee4707

Ice Is Slippery - Alexie Yagudin
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Country
United-States
This is the All Time Stupid Joke

A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer. The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t sell you that drink.”

The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, “I’m over 21. Why can’t you sell me a drink?”

After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
 

Dee4707

Ice Is Slippery - Alexie Yagudin
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Country
United-States
Another Groaner!!!

An elderly man with a hearing problem suddenly lost his hearing completely. Concerned, he went to the doctor who looked in his ear, picked up a pair of forceps, and extracted a suppository. “Here’s the trouble,” the doctor announced, showing it to him.

The old man replied, “Now I know what I did with my hearing aid!”
 

John King

Final Flight
Joined
Jul 26, 2003
I was at my somewhat absent minded doctor's office for a complete physical,when I noticed him trying to write a perscription using a thermometer.I pointed this out to him,and then he exclaims "Oh darn!Now some @$$hole's got my pen!"
 

sk8m8

Final Flight
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAN D DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
 

sk8m8

Final Flight
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
clean underwear

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this true story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!
 
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