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  1. #1
    Tripping on the Podium
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    Wanna help me?

    I wrote a poem yesterday that I'm serious about and I just wanted any comments or suggestions or feedback... something? It's without a title, so coming up with a title would be an idea as well....
    Anyone I've asked so far hasn't really said anything much except that it's very dark... and one comment I got was that reading it was like envisioning yourself dying and walking to your own grave.



    Visions of immaculate dreams
    Nothing to hide
    Nothing to see
    Walking towards the dark clouds
    In the overcast sky
    Waiting to storm
    Waiting for the rain
    Beyond the sunshine
    Beyond the bright light
    Into the realms of darkness and dreariness
    Follow me
    And you will see
    Everything
    That is meant to be
    No more smiles
    No happiness
    No emotions
    Or feelings
    No need
    Everyone has the same face
    The expression
    That reads:
    Lifeless
    Follow me now
    Take my hand
    And wander
    Away from all that you know
    All that is recognizable
    And move in
    To the new world
    Where love isn’t a question
    It’s not
    Even an option
    No heart will be broken
    No one will be disappointed
    I do not have to do
    What I know cannot be done
    I do not have to fight
    In a war that can’t be won
    Whispery chill
    Down your neck
    Raising the hairs
    On your back
    Close your eyes
    And drift away
    Into the magic
    That’s here to stay
    Force back the heavens
    And come with me
    Rise above
    Into eternity


  2. #2
    ~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~ Ladskater's Avatar
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    Wanna help me?

    Sweetie:

    Not bad! I used to write poems by the score. Most of them were sad, like this one. What are you trying to say? Expressing one's thoughts in a poem is not easy. You are brave to share it with us. It is very heavy! It definitely needs a title.

  3. #3
    Arm Chair Skate Fan show 42's Avatar
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    Sweetie, if you poem expresses feelings of "death", you did get the message across............. 42

  4. #4
    Custom Title Mathman's Avatar
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    I am not a literature professor, but I think that this is excellent work. The meter and "sound" of the poem complement the content. It is best when read aloud.

    For a title, how about the just the first word of the poem: Visions. This correctly captures what the poem is about, but in another sense it turns the expectations of this word on its head: we expect "visions" to be light and airy, in contast to the macabre sentiment of the actual poem.

    Mathman

    PS. One tiny suggestion. I think it would flow better if you changed the contraction "isn't" to "is not" in line 31.

  5. #5
    ~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~ Ladskater's Avatar
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    Wanna help me?

    Sweetie:

    I was thinking more about your poem and although the poem does sound somber and deals with death it does have an underlying ray of hope at the end. For a title I was thinking "Come with Me" or "Two Souls"

  6. #6
    Tripping on the Podium
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    Thank you so much for your help with this! I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and I thought that this was one of the few where I've manged to get some feeling across. There's another poem I have, if anyone's interested in reading it, I'll post it.

  7. #7
    Tripping on the Podium
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    I wrote this poem today and it's bothering me quite a bit...

    I look into the mirror
    And what do I see
    This pale vision I once knew
    Staring back at me
    Beautiful I am not
    Fearful I am
    Worrying
    Wondering
    Tick tick tick
    “Time is running out,”
    She says as her finger goes down her throat
    “Two more pounds just two more pounds!”
    Such a wistful wishful hope
    All I need is just to be
    All I need is to just breathe free
    No more worrying about what I am
    No more caring about being thin
    Battling a disease I cannot win
    Overtaking
    Forcing me in
    With a grip so strong and a power so fierce
    I’m losing grip
    I’m losing
    Thinner and thinner
    Day by day
    This girl I see
    Is withering away
    Into nothingness
    Into fear
    The closest hand
    Is nowhere near
    Washed away
    Like sand on the beach
    This girl is gone
    Far out of reach
    I looked into the mirror
    And I saw nothing
    A clear reminder
    I had missed something
    Now
    I look into the casket
    And what do I see
    That pale young girl
    Staring back at me…


    I was thinking of shrinking it to just this:

    I look into the mirror
    And what do I see
    This pale vision I once knew
    Staring back at me
    Beautiful I am not
    Fearful I am
    Worrying
    Wondering
    Overtaking
    Forcing me in
    With a grip so strong and a power so fierce
    I’m losing grip
    I’m losing
    Thinner and thinner
    Day by day
    This girl I see
    Is withering away
    Into nothingness
    Into fear
    The closest hand
    Is nowhere near
    Washed away
    Like sand on the beach
    This girl is gone
    Far out of reach
    I looked into the mirror
    And I saw nothing
    A clear reminder
    I had missed something
    Now
    I look into the casket
    And what do I see
    That pale young girl
    Staring back at me...


    Does that sound better without all the clutter in the middle or does it take away the effect of the poem?

  8. #8
    ~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~ Ladskater's Avatar
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    Wanna help me?:

    Sweetie

  9. #9
    ~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~ Ladskater's Avatar
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    Wanna help me?:

    Sweetie:

    I think the scaled down poem is better; but, you do have me worried! You sound depressed - this was my condition for many years. I wrote volumes of poetry when I was depressed.

    After years and years of suffering I did finally seek some help. Although, it did somewhat affect my "muse" for writing poetry, I no longer suffer to the extent I once did.

    I see your "cry for help" in this poem. Correct me if I am wrong.

  10. #10
    Tripping on the Podium
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    I wouldn't doubt I am depressed; I've battled through depression since I was about 16 and I'm only now 19. I've always wrote poetry that's been considered "morbid" or "dark" but I've also always been told that it was what made my talent different.
    I don't think this last poem was a cry for help. When I wrote it, I was actually thinking of one of my friends who battled through eating disorders, personality changes, abandonment... the whole works. And then after I wrote it, I showed another of my friends, and she admitted to me that she was suffering from it too.
    But of course, she didn't and still doesn't see anything wrong with it... she's "fat", which she's not.

    I thank you so much for your concern for me, but in this scenario, it's not necessary. When I write, I write about things that do affect me, but not necessarily directly. I write about racism, and dealing with that through an interracial relationship for a chapter of my life; I write about death because it's been a predominant feature in my life, with people around me dying and being faced with death numerous times myself; and I write about topics like eating disorders because I see people like this, not caring, not worrying about what they're doing to themselves, just pushing for the beauty... pushing so hard to be "thinner"... and I just need to express the pain, the sorrow and the sadness that everyone feels, and that everyone is just too scared to express.

  11. #11
    ~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~ Ladskater's Avatar
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    Wanna help me?

    Sweetie:

    I used to do the same thing; especially when I was in the depths of despair. I am no longer on medication, but I still do fight "the demon within" as I used to call it. I read a book called "In the Jaws of the Black Dog." That's about what it is like for anyone suffering from depression. I am happy to hear the poem is not about you. Still, there is a lot of pain expressed in it.

    Have you ever tried to write something more upbeat? I know it is harder. My best poetry was expressed in my depression years! It's a trade-off.

  12. #12
    Tripping on the Podium
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    Re: Wanna help me?

    Originally posted by Ladskater
    Sweetie:

    I used to do the same thing; especially when I was in the depths of despair. I am no longer on medication, but I still do fight "the demon within" as I used to call it. I read a book called "In the Jaws of the Black Dog." That's about what it is like for anyone suffering from depression. I am happy to hear the poem is not about you. Still, there is a lot of pain expressed in it.

    Have you ever tried to write something more upbeat? I know it is harder. My best poetry was expressed in my depression years! It's a trade-off.
    I find it very hard to write something upbeat when there appears to be nothing to write about that is good and pure. :sheesh: Sad but true...

  13. #13
    Custom Title Mathman's Avatar
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    Sweetie, something upbeat and good and pure? Write about ice skating!

    BTW, did you know that there is a separate folder on GS just for poems, stories, etc.? We've had a lot of fun there over the past year.

    Mathman

  14. #14
    Tripping on the Podium
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    Originally posted by Mathman
    Sweetie, something upbeat and good and pure? Write about ice skating!

    BTW, did you know that there is a separate folder on GS just for poems, stories, etc.? We've had a lot of fun there over the past year.

    Mathman
    Really, I thought that was just for skating-related writing. I'm sorry if I've clouded room on this board!

  15. #15
    Custom Title Mathman's Avatar
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    Well, it was supposed to be about skating related writing. But we've had discussions of word usage and a long analysis of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken," for example. We justified that by noting that the Dean of Yale University sent this poem to Sarah Hughes, when she was trying to decide which college to attend, LOL.

    But this folder is OK, too. Topics do not have to be skating related in the Cafe.

    Mathman

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