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Thread: Want to Laugh

  1. #1
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    Want to Laugh!!!!

    A friend emailed these to me and I thought you might enjoy them. They made me laugh and I hope you get a chuckle or two out of them

    Top 8 morons of 2002

    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY!
    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???
    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
    A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
    In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

    8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
    Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE .... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

    Dee
    Last edited by Dee4707; 08-12-2003 at 10:20 AM.

  2. #2
    Arm Chair Skate Fan show 42's Avatar
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    Those were hilarious Dee........here's some more:

    IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
    >This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair
    people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked
    >if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
    >"Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see
    >how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also
    >requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work
    >without a telephone line?).
    >
    >IDIOTS AT WORK:
    >I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
    >I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
    >that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
    >I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I
    >had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
    >She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the
    >receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
    >
    >IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
    >I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
    >township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
    >sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she
    >didn't want them to cross there anymore.
    >
    >IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
    >My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
    >person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
    >they only had iceberg.
    >
    >IDIOT SIGHTING #1
    >I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
    >asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
    >which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She
    >smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
    >
    >IDIOT SIGHTING #2
    >The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
    >crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer
    >was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    >Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
    >
    >IDIOT SIGHTING #3
    >At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the
    >company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun.
    >We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at
    >each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
    >
    >IDIOT SIGHTING #4
    >I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
    >for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
    >
    >IDIOT SIGHTING #5
    >When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
    >car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
    >department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
    >side door. As I watched! from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
    >door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
    >technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that
    >side."
    >
    >Now don't you feel better? 42
    >
    >
    >
    >

  3. #3
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    Want to Laugh!!!!

    Show, those were hysterical

    This actually happened to me the other day. I went to the Post Office to mail a package and as the clerk was weighing it he asked me if the package contained any explosives or threatening devices in it. Of course my answer was NO. He then said--would you tell me if it did. We both laughed. Afterwards, I thought -- boy I feel so much safer that our government is taking so many precautions here. Believe me that is not praise.

    Dee

  4. #4
    Gliding Along dlkksk8fan's Avatar
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    Funny, funny, funny

  5. #5
    Custom Title Mathman's Avatar
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    "Now don't you feel better?"
    I do! I do! Thanks Dee and Show 42, I needed that.

    Mathman

  6. #6
    Custom Title
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    lol

  7. #7
    Look at me! I'm doing a triple.....THUD! *ouch*
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    Those are good! Hahaha!!!

  8. #8
    Figure Skating Is A Dangerous Sport Dee4707's Avatar
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    These are from the Darwin Awards

    Shorties: Stupid Human Tricks
    2000 Darwin Award Nominee
    Unconfirmed by Darwin

    Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

    A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

    Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

    Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

    News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

    In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.



    Dee

  9. #9
    Tripping on the Podium
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    Is it sad that I like to hear these types of things so I know that I'm not as stupid as I think I am? hehe

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