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Thread: Kwan Decries CoP Additions

  1. #1
    Tripping on the Podium
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    Kwan Decries CoP Additions

    PRESS RELEASE: ISU Headquarters 10/6/03 at 9:45 AM GST


    President Ottavio Cinquanta today announced an addition to the Code of Points, the ISU's heralded new scoring system. "In an effort to make the Code of Points more appealing to the average skating fan, we have decided to institute a system of Bonus and Penalty Points tailored to the individual competitor." Mr. Cinquanta added, "This initiative is just another example of how the ISU leads the way in ensuring the growth of the sport." Reporters were provided with a representative sample group from the comprehensive international list still in development.

    BONUS POINTS

    Evgeny Plushenko -- cut hair -- 2 points
    Irina Slutskaya -- straighten free leg -- 6 points
    Michelle Kwan -- perform classic layback -- 8 points
    Ann-Patrice McDonough -- crack smile -- 10 points
    Sasha Cohen -- take the Nicole Bobek challenge -- 100 points


    The new Michael Weiss "ShutUpAndSkate" Initiative was also unveiled, with PENALTY POINTS to be awarded for media interview behavior as outlined below:

    Employing any of the following words or phrases: win, first place, top of the podium, gold medal -- 10 minus points
    Disparaging fellow competitors -- 20 minus points
    References to "getting a Hummer" -- 50 minus points


    Responding to questions from the floor, reporters were advised to stay tuned for further exciting developments from the ISU. "The Code of Points is always evolving." Mr. Cinquanta chuckled as he added, "We can always come up with new rules to distract the fans from crooked judging!"




    PRESS RELEASE: ISU Headquarters 10/6/03 at 6:45PM GST


    Response was mixed from elite competitors to today's surprise announcement by ISU President Ottavio Cinquanta that the Code of Points had been expanded to include Bonus and Penalty Points.

    Evgeny Plushenko reacted to the news by musing, "Maybe now I grow hair down to waist. Timmy can have my 2 points. He need more than me."

    Displaying a rare loss of composure, Michelle Kwan waxed indignant. "I'm not changing my layback spin for a lousy eight points!" she declared. "Anyway, it's not fair that I should have to change a SignatureSpin to earn bonus points, when Irina just has to do something she ought to be doing anyway!"

    Sasha Cohen could not be reached for comment, but Peggy Fleming was obviously miffed by the new ruling, stating "Sasha has a beautiful body. She doesn't need to change a thing. Sasha is the most talented, exciting skater to come along in years, and she doesn't need any special help to succeed."

    On the plus side, several elite skaters not specifically mentioned in today's announcement were overheard eagerly anticipating their individual incentives. American Senior Men's competitor Johnny Weir commented, "Oh boy, I hope I can get some bonus points for making it through my long program!"

    Michael Weiss, arriving in his Chevy Suburban at a hastily arranged news conference, revealed that he was working with Deepak Chopra and expressed confidence that this was the year in which he would "take [his] rightful place in the competitive arena."

    In other news, Ann-Patrice McDonough today announced a partnership with Crest WhiteStrips.
    Last edited by giseledepkat; 10-07-2003 at 02:00 PM.

  2. #2
    TriGirl Rinkside
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    Where are the rollin' emoticons when you need them? That was HYSTERICAL! Pegged everyone perfectly.



    edited 'cause I can't spell.

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    Salchows and Shimmies!!!
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    OMG, thank you, I REALLY needed that on what was a totally crappy day. Bravo!!!!

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    Forum translator Ptichka's Avatar
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    :D

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    What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
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    HILARIOUS!! Thank you for lifting a hum-drum day!

    eliza88

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    Tripping on the Podium
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    Aww, thanks guys! (Where's that blushing emoticon?) Glad you enjoyed it -- any additions/further suggestions are most welcome!

  7. #7
    Go NJ Devils
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    Re: Kwan Decries CoP Additions

    Originally posted by giseledepkat

    Michael Weiss, arriving in his Chevy Suburban at a hastily arranged news conference, revealed that he was working with Deepak Chopra and expressed confidence that this was the year in which he would "take [his] rightful place in the competitive arena."
    I guess he couldn't get the Dalai Lama.

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    Custom Title Pookie's Avatar
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    Custom Title Joesitz's Avatar
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    gisele -

    Joe

  10. #10
    Tripping on the Podium
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    *** NEWS FLASH ***

    In a tersely worded statement, ISU President Ottavio Cinquanta sought to stem the tide of requests from elite skaters worldwide for special considerations under the new CoP "Bonus Points" Program. Mr. Cinquanta cautioned, "We are the ISU. We make the rules." Sources report that the statement was prompted in particular by multiple dance teams soliciting double-digit awards for coloring their hair.

    In related news, Canadian Men's Champion Emanuel Sandhu hotly denied rumors that he had expressed interest in taking the Nicole Bobek Challenge, should Sasha Cohen decline.
    Last edited by giseledepkat; 10-07-2003 at 06:39 PM.

  11. #11
    Learning to Fly
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    HAH - wonderful, wonderful.

  12. #12
    Custom Title
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    ** Most recent update**

    Latest newswire from Honk Kong.

    Michelle Kwan have just sent a counter-offer to the ISU. Though, she's still not interested in classic lay-back spin, she said, she'll accept a "Peggy Fleming Challenge" for 100 points, to match it to Cohen's "Bobek Challenge."

    Peggy Fleming is still unavailable for comment, but Miss Cohen is on record, saying, that Peggy's got the most beautiful face, that reminds her of Audrey Hepburn's, and in fact, of her own.

    More updates to follow...

  13. #13
    Defender of over-the-hill decrepit skaters
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    registered, leave the funny stuff to giseledepkat.

  14. #14
    Tripping on the Podium
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    oh no, please; everybody can play!

    besides, I think I'm out of funny...
    Last edited by giseledepkat; 10-07-2003 at 08:29 PM.

  15. #15
    Gone with the wind windspirit's Avatar
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    Originally posted by maxell1313
    registered, leave the funny stuff to giseledepkat.
    Why is that? One person has a licence, or something?

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