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Thread: Ladies Restroom Mystery Finally Solved

  1. #1
    On Edge Piel's Avatar
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    Ladies Restroom Mystery Finally Solved

    Why is there always a longer line for the ladies restroom and why do they always go in pairs? The mystery that men have been trying to figure out for years is finally answered.


    (from an e-mail received by a friend)

    My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl,
    she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the
    seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
    Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then
    she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet
    in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make
    contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and
    we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago. Even
    now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to
    maintain, especially when one's bladder is full.

    When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women
    that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in
    there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also
    crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet
    under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you
    dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to
    find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new
    fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
    empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there
    isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would
    turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants,!
    and *** ume "The Stance."

    Ahhhh, relief. More relief.

    But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you
    certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so
    you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register
    an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling
    thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper
    dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if
    you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no
    toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that
    you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That
    would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still
    smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the
    latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your
    neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against
    the tank of the toilet.

    "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,
    tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the
    insidious toilet seat. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
    Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form
    on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
    there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother
    would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her
    bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You
    just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused
    that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that
    suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet
    paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you
    give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try
    to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out
    inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the
    faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a
    dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged
    and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

    One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a
    piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where
    was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the
    woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the
    men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
    Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging
    around your neck?"

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a
    public restroom (rest you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains
    to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other
    commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
    It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the
    door

  2. #2
    In love with the axel!
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    (and true, too!)

    I almost died at the purse around the neck - been there, done that!

  3. #3
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    Ditto, sk8er1964.

    Thanks, Piel, this is hilarious, and so true. I can really identify with the broken door latch and being intruded upon.

  4. #4
    Da' Spellin' Homegirl Grgranny's Avatar
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    You forgot about all the kids looking under the door to see what you are doing.
    Last edited by Grgranny; 09-17-2004 at 09:47 AM.

  5. #5
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    Love it! I've had so many little guys peak under the stall at me, too.

  6. #6
    Custom Title Pookie's Avatar
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    Oh my goodness, I thought I had the only mother in the world that did that (until I did it to my daughter of course. :D ) I've never hung my person around my neck, though. I never thought of it.

    That was hilarious, Piel. And too true.
    Last edited by Pookie; 09-17-2004 at 10:50 AM.

  7. #7
    Da' Spellin' Homegirl Grgranny's Avatar
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    I've hung my purse around my neck many times. I also have seat covers in my purse.

  8. #8
    On the Ice
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    Hilarious!! Being a germ freak, I love hearing that I am not the only one that takes their life into their hands in the ladies room!
    The "hoover" takes incredible strength that we should be commended for.... not to mention the skill when wearing heals, or adding alcohol in as a factor!!!!
    Thanks for the chuckle!!!
    ..... now if only the aromas could be dealt with...... :\

  9. #9
    Rogue Leader
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    I sometimes do the purse thing. Heck, I've done it in train stations with my travel bag. I've never had a problem with the "hover" though. I've got that down pat. (Except in trains. Movement gets tricky)

  10. #10
    ~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~ Ladskater's Avatar
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    Piel:

    Great! I had a "restroom" incident myself last week after seeing "Vanity Fair" - my bladder was very full after consuming a large diet Pepsi. It was like an episode of Seinfeldt. Remember when Elaine uses the stall and there is no tp? well, yours truly experienced that!!!!! I kept thinking of Elaine as I gingerly made my way to the next stall to snap up some tp. As the cleaning lady entered the restroom when I was washing my hands, I told her about the situation. Was I glad to get out of there!!!!

  11. #11
    GOLDEN DREAMS RealtorGal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ladskater
    It was like an episode of Seinfeldt. Remember when Elaine uses the stall and there is no tp?
    Are you saying that no one could spare a square? :D

  12. #12
    In love with the axel!
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealtorGal
    Are you saying that no one could spare a square? :D
    The absolute worst is when there's no one there to spare a square !

  13. #13
    ~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~ Ladskater's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sk8er1964
    The absolute worst is when there's no one there to spare a square !

    That is exactly what happened!!!! :o

  14. #14
    Argentinian wonder ;)
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    The absolute worst for me was when I had to trable by bus to a city that was 1.300 km from my home, the ladies room was minuscule, so betwwen the movement of the bus and the tiny space it was absolute imposible to avoid touching de toilet seat. :o

  15. #15
    Custom Title heyang's Avatar
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    During college, we were out for happy hour (of course). My friend & I went to the rest room together (of course). She took the 1st stall and didn't see me move 2 stalls beyond hers. Well, I finished and was washing my hands and heard her say 'Can you give me some tp?' I said 'Sure, hold on.' Her reply 'Thanks'. After drying off my hands, I went back into my stall, grabbed several squares of tp, and then draped the streamer of tp over the door. 'There you go'. She responds 'You already gave me enough'. Then a voice comes through from the middle stall and says ' No, I did. You're welcome'.

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