- Joined
- Jul 26, 2003
The most realistic figure skating video game ever is now available on Sony Playstation 2: Grand Skate Smackdown.
As a player, you get to choose one of many positions:
Includes cameo appearances by Kristi Yamaguchi, Scott Hamilton, Jon Jackson, Ron Pfenning, Sasha Cohen, Sonja Henie, Marie-Reigne Le Gougne, Didier Gailhaguet, Nicole Bobek, Peggy Fleming, Jim McKay, Tonya Harding, Torville & Dean, Ottavio Cinquanta, 50 Cent, David Letterman, John Cleese, Wayne Gretzky, and that streaker from the 2005 World Championships.
(Some of these people have absolutely nothing to do with the features of this game, but they were available and said, "Oh, what the heck? It sounds fun!" Especially Jayne Torville, Peggy Fleming, and that streaker.)
(Rumors that a hidden feature in this video game allows you to have sex with Katarina Witt are completely unfounded. Mostly.)
As a player, you get to choose one of many positions:
- Singles skater
- Pairs skater
- Ice dancer
- Judge
- Parent
- Flower girl
- National federation leader (pick any of several countries)
- ISU technical committee member
- ISU President
- Get into a gunfight with the people who blew up Maria Butyrskaya's car and killed her boyfriend.
- Hire an assailant to whack the leg of your main competitor and then sue to become a member of your nation's world or Olympic team.
- Meet with other judges before events; pre-decide who will win while attending cocktail parties across the globe. Toe-tap your way into your federation's good graces!
- Become the head of a federation and pressure your judges to do what you want.
- Turn down television deals worth millions because of conflicting allegiances between your federation and the ISU.
- Investigate the murder of Russian figure skater Kira Ivanova.
- Repeatedly insist that a new ISU judging system is a project instead of a rule, then insist that you never made that claim.
- Listen to ousted judge Jon Jackson relate how the FBI told him not to go to Russia because they learned that his life would be in danger if he did.
- Refuse to acknowledge the meaning of the word "deal."
- Blow out your hip trying to out-quad your competitors
- Have an affair with your coach.
- Have an affair with your partner's wife or husband.
- Have an affair with your coach's wife or husband.
- Drive the Zamboni up and down the ice, then off the ice, into the stands, and out into the streets. (Soon to be featured in a new movie, The Fast & The Furious 4: Tokyo Skid.)
- Make your child your ticket to fame, honor, glory and money; gossip about other families at the rink in an effort to get ahead.
- Take a gamble by guessing how much money to pay Piseyev to win Russian nationals.
- Star in a figure skating reality TV show.
- Pick up flowers and toys from the ice. (Boring, but very peaceful, and kind of rewarding in its own special way. No, seriously.)
- Have your life endlessly discussed and dissected by millions of rabid fans.
- Pose for nude photos.
- Bounce around the country hiring one coach after another.
- Come forward with proof of corruption and face the consequences.
- Embezzle millions from your federation.
- Win the Olympics, get your face on the Wheaties box, have a parade, and throw out the first pitch at a baseball game.
- Win the Olympics, then skate your Olympic program over and over at every exhibition and professional competition for the next 4 years because you won't create anything new.
- Work your way to the senior level, get shafted by the judges, and ask all of your fellow skaters to sign a petition of protest.
- Fail to win because of your stupid partner and, on worldwide television, give him or her a death stare that would freeze a polar bear in its tracks at a hundred paces. (This feature is particularly fun!)
- Cover up evidence.
- Break away from the ISU and form your own governing body.
- Get your own ESPN SportsCenter commercial. Maybe even get some air time on the show itself.
- Retire and do television commentary. Scream into the microphone as much as you want. (Bonus points are awarded if you can be especially irritating by talking loudly during an incredibly beautiful and quiet moment of a skater's program.)
- Retire and box.
Includes cameo appearances by Kristi Yamaguchi, Scott Hamilton, Jon Jackson, Ron Pfenning, Sasha Cohen, Sonja Henie, Marie-Reigne Le Gougne, Didier Gailhaguet, Nicole Bobek, Peggy Fleming, Jim McKay, Tonya Harding, Torville & Dean, Ottavio Cinquanta, 50 Cent, David Letterman, John Cleese, Wayne Gretzky, and that streaker from the 2005 World Championships.
(Some of these people have absolutely nothing to do with the features of this game, but they were available and said, "Oh, what the heck? It sounds fun!" Especially Jayne Torville, Peggy Fleming, and that streaker.)
(Rumors that a hidden feature in this video game allows you to have sex with Katarina Witt are completely unfounded. Mostly.)
