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Thread: Stormy Night, epilogue

  1. #1

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    Stormy Night, epilogue

    It Was A Dark And Stormy Night -- Epilogue

    It was a mild and balmy night. Big Al Rostropovich sat at his desk, absently shuffling a stack of papers. He couldn't believe that he had gotten away with it. How well he remembered being on neighborhood patrol that night, when he noticed the rented sports car pulling up in front of Dick Button's house. Of course he knew Button well. As Chief of Police of that small town he knew many of the residents on a first name basis. Besides, Rostropovich had a passionate interest in figure skating, and he especially followed the careers of skaters from his native Russia. He cast his mind back to the fateful evening:

    How surprised he had been when the car door opened and out stepped non other than his idol, the incomparable Irina Slutskaya. Irina! the treasure of his secret heart! What was Irina Slutskaya doing there in the middle of the night? Big Al wondered.

    Coasting the police cruiser to a silent stop, he waited some minutes in uncertainty. Music began to play. At last he could suppress his curiosity no longer. He eased himself out of the patrol car and approached the front porch. Peering in through the window, he saw a most unexpected sight. Dick Button was threatening Irina with a pistol, while the beautiful Irina was doing her best to hold him off with a whip! Adrenalin coursed through his body as he hurled himself at the door, breaking it inward. With a single shot from his police issue 38, he dropped Button in his tracks.

    Irina screamed.

    "Who are you, what are you doing? No, no!"

    Too late. In the instant it was clear that this was merely some innocent play-acting that he had barged in on.

    "He was just helping me with my routine!" Irina sobbed over the dying man.

    The cover-up had been easy. Ms. Slutskaya, coming from a culture where one did not contradict the police, was quickly cowed into going along. Fortune seemed to smile upon him when Hughes arrived, just in time to be “caught” by Rostropovich, who circled around from the back when he first heard her approach. Then Kwan and Cohen, approaching the back porch from opposite sides, had accidentally collided, causing even more confusion. Back-up having now been called for, the girls waited in the squad cars while Rostropovich arranged the crime scene to suit his purposes. Later, it had been easy enough for him to prepare a phony ballistics report and to plant the gloves.

    Yes, he had gotten away with it. Nothing could go wrong now, as long as his beloved Irina remained intimidated into silence.

    Oh, Irina, Irina. I did it all for you!


    Epilogue to the epilogue.

    BAM! the door to Rostropovich’s office burst open, and in rushed the Gang of Four -- Sasha and Sarah, brandishing their skates as weapons, a la Cast Away; Irina with her whip; and Michelle, a graceful tapering finger curled delicately yet firmly around the trigger of the Colt 45!

    “Big Al,” they announced in unison. “you’re under citizens’ arrest!"

    Then the ladies stepped aside to reveal in the doorway the staunch figure of none other than Mr. Dick Button, a cherubic smile gracing his avuncular face. Yes, he had survived!

    “Well done, girls,” beamed Dick Button. “First rate, simply the best, A1. And as for you, Big Al,


    And they all lived happily ever after, except Peggy Fleming, who had to go back into the broadcast booth with him.


  2. #2

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    Re: Stormy Night, epilogue

    And a hearty congratulations to Ms. Asner!

    Dr. Watson

  3. #3

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    Re: Stormy Night, epilogue

    Fabulous! Really great! Thank you so much for sharing this tale with us! xxoo!

  4. #4

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    Stormy Night, epilogue

    I should have listened to Jules! She got it right. I was blinded by my adoration of Ms. Kwan (and my "wait and see" attitude for Sasha!) and was unable to see the obvious suspect.

    Well done Jules.

    I should never try to figure out these mysteries, I'm usually wrong!

  5. #5

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    Re: Stormy Night, epilogue

    To all and sundry --

    I am Dr. Watson's editor, posting under the good doctor's login name.

    Dr. Watson, pursued by ravening hordes of Sashaniacs led by their Boadicean queen Eltamina, has fled for his life, taking refuge with Vice President Dick Cheney in a "secure undisclosed location." One threat was communicated in particularly vivid language, to chop him up with a *cleaver* (Int'l copyright, Rgirl, 2002), douse him with *A1 steak sauce* (Trademark, Nabisco), roast him slowly over an open barbeque pit, then force him to drink his own cough medicine (patent pending). Oh, the horror!

    "What was that? Does something crawl
    Among the shadows along the wall?

    "In the dark, under the chair,
    Do you see red eyes? Is something there?

    "What's that reflection in the mirror?
    Are the Sashaniacs creeping nearer?

    "Look! Look! Run for your lives!
    I see the flash of Sashaniac knives!"

    (Poem adapted from The Horrible Ten, by Freddie the Pig)

    And now, the moment you have all been waiting for, the first annual Sherly awards:

    Gold: Jules Asner, for Big Al.

    Silver: Crazy4Michelle, for Sasha Cohen.

    Bronze: (tie) HamiltonBrowningFan for Peggy Fleming, and Eltamina for Irina's husband (at least these people were mentioned in the story!)


    The Alternative Reality "What WAS in that cough syrup, anyway?" Award (tie):

    JOHIO2, The Yalies.
    Rgirl, Ottavio Cinquanta.
    Piel, the students of Alexei Mishin.
    Eltamina, Michelle's boyfriend.
    Eltimina, Oprah.
    Katz, Danny Kwan.
    Thartell, (by inference) the Chancellor of UCLA.
    RealtorGal, the Giant Rat of Sumatra.

    And no prize for that idiot Mathman!

    As for next year's story, all I can say is, be alert.

    The world needs more lerts.

  6. #6

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    That is a smoke screen

    Editor, do you have a name?

    "Dr. Watson, pursued by ravening hordes of Sashaniacs led by their Boadicean queen Eltamina, has fled for his life, taking refuge with Vice President Dick Cheney in a secure undisclosed location"

    First of all I am not queen Eltamina, I am king Eltamina, and I have no use of Dr. W, my Sashaniacs army is not pursuing Watson. We are after $peedy, we will make him change the rules in favor of Sasha. You will see, there will be major I$U rule changes, skaters will no longer be judged by the quality of edges, or basic skating skills. The crown will be given to the skater who can BEEFER cleaver better than the rest, i.e. Sasha will be crowned.

    Now back to the disappearance of Watson.

    According to E Nut, our investigative reporter, Waton is not with Cheney, but with Willy (Clinton). How and why? E. Nut refuses to tell at the present.

  7. #7

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    Re: Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

    Congratulations, dear Dr. Watson, for your victorious victory!
    Congratulations, dear Dr. Watson! You'll go down in GS history!

    I say old man you did it, you did it, you did it!
    They said you couldn't do it but indeed you did!

    They said you couldn't do it, you blew it, they knew it,
    But all the time you knew it and you glued it and frou-froued it till it grew into doo-doo to make us woo you, think "How cool you!" until yoooooooouuuuuuuu did it!
    (After Lerner and Lowe, some of whose lyrics I stole without their knowledge or consent and anyway they're dead)

    Speaking of dead: Ah, the old soap opera "bring 'em back from the dead" rouse. Well done, sir. Jolly friggin' well done.

    Now for the post mortem: First of all, old man, the correct term for spunky fans of Ms. Cohen is "Sashaholics" not "Sashaniacs." Very bad form, old man, very bad. For one thing, the syllabic accents do not work out at all for "Sashaniacs." For another, the "aniacs" suffix already belongs to the followers of Ms. Kwan. The fans of Ms. Cohen take a cue from the object of their affection and do not steal. Sashaholics create their own moniker and choose to deal with those who do not accede the obvious superiority of Ms. Cohen's skating over every other skater's by body-slamming the wrong-headed and depraved certainly out of the way and preferably into the boards.

    Secondly, Irina's most rigorous amourous skills are with the rope, not the whip--although the comely Ms. Slutskaya is quite the expert with all manner of bondage apparatus. A minor slip, old boy. Wouldn't even mention it were it not for our obsessive knowledge of your obsessive desire for accuracy.

    For the tertiary and most important point, my dear Watson, how could you even conceive a figure skating murder mystery that does NOT feature the most notorious killer in the sport, the man who has done more to ISU the life out of figure skating than anyone in the history of the sport, the Vito Corrleone of the ice, the John Gotti of the rink, the truly Teflon Don: Ottavio Cinquanta? Well, no mind. Cinquanta's fingerprints are all over everything under the table in skating, so whether he was technically in the story or not, we all know what we all know: Cinquanta done it!

    Details, details--they are, as we all know, where both God and the devil reside. But all in all, good show. In fact, jolly freakin' good show, Watson. Now, about that cough syrup...

  8. #8

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    Re: Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

    Thank you, R. What do I have to do to keep you posting? As for the criticisms, come on with ya bad self. I knew you wouldn't let an opportunity slip to pick on an old (33) unrepentant Kwaniac.

    Sa-SHANE-i-ac (pref., chiefly Brit.)

    Sa-SHAWN-i-ac (U.S. and Can.)

    Pronounced like that it’s not the syllabification (time out to run that through spell check -- good heavens, it’s there! --"syl-LAB-i-fi-ca-tion")

    it’s not the syllabification that’s the problem, it’s the “S” followed by “Sh.” She sells sea shells by the seashore -- can you say shibboleth?

    SA-sha-HOL-ic. Let’s see...

    Dum... dum... dum...dum...
    Sashaholics, here they come.
    Zombies marching through the gloom.

    Sharp their cleavers, sharp their teef.
    They’ll do a Tyson on your ear.

    King Eltamina -- You tricked me. Shouldn't that be "King Eltamino?" And to think I've been flirting with you all this time.

    What’s Watson’s editor’s real name? So far only two people know, Paula and Piel (three after this post). I had to run the story by Paula for a PG-ness check. She knows how we behave when she’s on vacation.


  9. #9

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    Dr. Watson, an exceptional Kwaniacs

    Dr. W, welcome back, so how was your jamming session with Willy Clinton. According to E. Nut you were with Clinton playing the sax at some celebrity event.

    "King Eltamina -- You tricked me. Shouldn't that be King Eltamino?"

    I know, I know, should be either king eltamino, or queen elpamina, my apologies. When I registered for ezboard I typed the wrong letter.

    As to being picked on by the Sasha Fanatics (out of jealousy?), I guess Kwaniacs like you have get use to it. Kwaniacs are a group of special people, you will find a way to triumph over the Sasha Fanatics.

    Now what is the matter with leaving GS, stop posting until next year. At the very least you must file a report after Skate America. :rollin:

  10. #10

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    Re: Smokin' Job on the Sasha Song!

    My Dear Watson,
    It's "syl-labia-fication" when one is referring to the divine Ms. Cohen, whether it be in terms of pronunciation or otherwise.

    Oh, my dearest sir, I hope you realize that we are not merely picking on you just for the pleasurable rush of bullying a besotted Kwaniac. We simply want you to be the best Watson Watson can be. Realizing that, in your unique case, you are a Kwaniac who goes as limp and weak as Tonya Harding's boot laces at the mere mention of Ms. Kwan, we just want to urge you to be hard on yourself; keep yourself up on details; maintain a stiff upper lip ("stiff upper labia" in anatomical terminology); and face your criticisms in an erect and enduring stance--even if you are the ancient age of 33.

    My most esteemed Watson, we must be vigilant in keeping you objective in the face of these complicated mysteries. Look what happened as a result of LAPD lab technician Dennis "How's THAT Mr. Fung!" Fung's minute error in collecting blood samples at the scene of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. When the DNA analysis of these possibly tainted samples showed the blood to be that of OJ Simpson, Mr. Fung's tiny mistake made him appear to be, under the cross examination by Barry Scheck, biased against Mr. Simpson--in other words, NOT objective. Mr. Fung's allegedly tainted detail supported the case that OJ Simpson was guilty even though, as every right-thinking person knows, Mr. Simpson was--cough, cough, hock up loogy, spit--not guilty. To paraphrase Shakespeare, "Our details are our own/ What comes of them is not."

    Finally, while God and the devil may each be in the details, the truth is always in the Spellcheck. For Kwaniac--No Suggestions. Kwan--Wan. Sasha--Sassy, Sashay. How very true for each and every one. Someday, my dearest Watson, perhaps you will come out of your Kwan fog and see the light of Sasha--after all, we've already seen body parts of Sasha we have seen on no other skater. Carnivore Cohen, as she is known in the biz, also represents the best of our traditions, i.e., putting her incisors to the use for which God intended, and honoring our ancestors, homosapians, by tearing into a good hunk of meat. Personally, I'm hoping SAsha will go even further and embrace cannibalism. Ms. Cohen can start by eating Ms. Kwan--on the ice and with their costumes on, of course.

    I see that the brilliant Paul Thomas Anderson ("Hard Eight," "Boogie Nights," "Magnolia") is on Independent Focus so I must watch it and then toddle off back to my summer hibernation. Just remember, my dear, dearest, blessed, most esteemed Watson: Accuracy in the details; keep it up for objectivity; and Kwan = Wan.
    Slumberingly Yours,

  11. #11

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    Re: Smokin' Job on the Sasha Song!

    Awesome short story Watson! Well done. I really enjoyed reading it during my lunch hours when I had to get my forum fix in between real trials and the such. I, too, am in the same field (law enforcement) as you my dear Watson - delving deeply into the mysteries of the criminal mind and unlocking the secrets of, among other crimes, homicide scenes. Gotta love a great mystery! Hope to see more from you in the future.

  12. #12

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    the worst nightmare for a Sasha Fanatic

    OMG, as a Sasha fantatic, my worst nightmare is happening right in front of my eyes. Sasha is into canabilism. She must be doing Kuru California style, chewing and swallowing pieces of human brain with her Cucmber salad. When did she learn this New Guinea practice for young women and children?

    OMG, my worst fears come true, that is why E. Nut is reporting the connection between Sasha's California Kuru and her seeming inconsistency with her jumps. Ever since Nationals 02, in every competition, exhibition, and most COI stops, she has 2 foot, stepped out, hands down, fallen, on at least one jump, or jumped out of the rink during COI performances.

    Help we need a doctor for Sasha, Dr. Watson where are you? Since you are from the UK, you might have treated patients with aka mad cow disease. Ms Nut's report mentioned that spongiform encephalopathy bovine kind is very similar to the homosapian kind i.e. Kuru. Maybe it is not too late for Sasha.

  13. #13

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    Re: The worst nightmare for a Sasha Fanatic

    My Poor, Distressed Eltamina!
    Regarding Sasha possibly contracting Kuru, take slow deep breaths--or forget that New Age crap and take a couple of good old reliable Valium. [We must have been watching the same Discovery Channel show; I just love that kind of stuff!] I was only HOPING that Sasha might sallay forth into cannibalism as the logical extension of her beefer cleaver beliefs. [Also love that twist on beaver cleaver.] As far as I know, Sasha has not trekked to **civilized** New Guinea (double Internet quotes intended), much less hiked deep into the New Guinea jungles to break brain with the Malori tribe. Certainly Kuru kould kreep up on Sasha if some rival skater actually had gone to New Guinea for in order to obtain some brain--all Tonya Harding and Gillooly Gang jokes aside--infected with Kuru for the sole purpose of secretly mashing some into Sasha's Taco Salad, where it would be nigh impossible to detect, even by Sasha's delicate and discriminating palate.

    Though it would not surprise me to see Sasha become the spokescarnivore for the *Whole Cow Council.* We would be treated to scenes of Sasha on their website with various delightful organ dishes: Brain Bruleé, Liver Lasagna, Tripe Tartar, Kidney Knishes--well, you get the idea. Between consuming cow beef and cow organs, Sasha would definitely increase her risk of developing Mad Cow Disease, especially should she indulge her passion for beef while in the UK performing for the Queen's 50th Anniversary Nottingham Ice Gala. Hopefully Sasha's healthy vanity, ie, desire to look thin and ripped, will win out over her appetite and she will opt for Ramen Noodles rather than roast beast and yorkshire pudding.

    As for E. Nut's reports of Sasha's inconsistent jumps, I wouldn't be too concerned. It is not unusual for someone who is talented and driven in any activity that requires a high degree of skill to have a steep successful learning curve followed by a period of backsliding. In other words, a slump. In baseball, this is expected and accepted. In sports such as figure skating, which is relatively new to the general public and where, between competitions and tours, top skaters are expected to skate at a high level almost year round, with perhaps four weeks off in late-July, early-August, there is not enough time for top skaters to rest and heal the toll skating takes on the body and mind. Also, figure skating critics and fans tend to not be accepting of slumps. This long period of high-performance has become particularly intense over the past 4-5 years, over which time "going pro" has become less lucrative than remaining eligible. Going further off tone and topic: These long periods of intense training and skating concerns me for the health of the skaters. "Burn-out" is a true physiologic condition where the adrenal glands and other autonomic systems take over to try to force the body to take the rest it needs (gross oversimplification, but you get the idea). All kidding aside, the person I think is in a position of being most vulnerable to burn-out for the upcoming season is Michelle. She's been skating at a high competitive level for almost ten years, and has been "the one to beat" since '96. Physically and psychologically, that's a hell of a lot of stress. I'd like to see her take some time off the way Todd Eldredge did so she can physically, mentally, and spiritually rest and regroup. Especially with highly motivated individuals--and Michelle is certainly highly motivated--rest is by far the most disregared aspect of training.

    Anyway, back to "OMG! Sasha's got Kuru!"--hey, not a bad headline for a NATIONAL ENQUIRER story--let's hope she doesn't "beef out" in England or get a sudden urge to never speak again, start playing the piano, emigrate to New Guinea, and get the hots for a Harvey Keitel-looking Mauri-tatooed jungle guy. I don't think they have very many ice rinks in New Guinea.

    Now please, both Watson and Eltamina, stop being so gosh darn lugubrious. You KNOW I can't help myself from responding when you write posts like that. Hibernation only works if you keep sleeping. I know, no one's forcing me to visit GS, but you both know how addictive it is. Quitting smoking was a walk in the park compared to quitting GS. I'm going to have to develop a GS gradual withdrawal patch. If I can cook one up that really works, I could sell an all purpose Figure Skating Forum Withdrawal Patch and be financially set for life.

  14. #14

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    Live band music, glitter, confetti, naked dancing guys, cake food, and Ed McMahon with a check for $1,000 bucks!

    Woo-hoo! Bor-GEE! Bor-GEE! Bor-GEE! The crowd goes wild.

    And among the din of the party we hear a ringing. Yes, hello? Yes, she's here. Borgy! It's George Dubya! El Presidente! He's calling on his cell phone from the operating room where they're prepping him for his colonoscopy! He wants to congratulate you on your 1000th GS post! Better take the call quick before the anesthesia kicks in.

    Wow. Now THAT'S an honor. Just before they are about to stick a camera up the Presidential intestines, is Dubya thinking about himself? Heck no! His thoughts are on the truly important things in the lives of his constituents--the American people. Don't get nervous, Borgy. Just talk to the President like he's a regular guy about to get a long snaky thing shoved up his--well, let's say up past the Columns of Morgagni.

  15. #15

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    OMG and you want to hibernate?

    "followed by a period of backsliding"

    OMG, darling Sasha is backsliding? and you want to hibernate? And you keep talking about Todd, and Michelle? You should be talking about Sasha, Sasha, Sahsa all the time, every waking minute.

    I told Watson back in episode #1, I don't want my darling Sasha to go to UK. WOW, increased risk for Mad Cow, Yikes.

    Quitting GS , why do you want to do that, so what if you are addicted. I am ADDCITED to SASHA, sasha, sasha, I want no cure for it. I can be delusionally in love with Sasha, sasha, sasha, engage in grandiose fantasties of unlimited success for Sasha, sasha, sasha....every minute, everyday.

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