Wanna help me? | Golden Skate

Wanna help me?

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
I wrote a poem yesterday that I'm serious about and I just wanted any comments or suggestions or feedback... something? It's without a title, so coming up with a title would be an idea as well....
Anyone I've asked so far hasn't really said anything much except that it's very dark... and one comment I got was that reading it was like envisioning yourself dying and walking to your own grave.



Visions of immaculate dreams
Nothing to hide
Nothing to see
Walking towards the dark clouds
In the overcast sky
Waiting to storm
Waiting for the rain
Beyond the sunshine
Beyond the bright light
Into the realms of darkness and dreariness
Follow me
And you will see
Everything
That is meant to be
No more smiles
No happiness
No emotions
Or feelings
No need
Everyone has the same face
The expression
That reads:
Lifeless
Follow me now
Take my hand
And wander
Away from all that you know
All that is recognizable
And move in
To the new world
Where love isn’t a question
It’s not
Even an option
No heart will be broken
No one will be disappointed
I do not have to do
What I know cannot be done
I do not have to fight
In a war that can’t be won
Whispery chill
Down your neck
Raising the hairs
On your back
Close your eyes
And drift away
Into the magic
That’s here to stay
Force back the heavens
And come with me
Rise above
Into eternity

 

Ladskater

~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Sweetie:

Not bad! I used to write poems by the score. Most of them were sad, like this one. What are you trying to say? Expressing one's thoughts in a poem is not easy. You are brave to share it with us. It is very heavy! It definitely needs a title.
 

show 42

Arm Chair Skate Fan
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 26, 2003
Sweetie, if you poem expresses feelings of "death", you did get the message across.............:) 42
 
Joined
Jun 21, 2003
I am not a literature professor, but I think that this is excellent work. The meter and "sound" of the poem complement the content. It is best when read aloud.

For a title, how about the just the first word of the poem: Visions. This correctly captures what the poem is about, but in another sense it turns the expectations of this word on its head: we expect "visions" to be light and airy, in contast to the macabre sentiment of the actual poem.

Mathman

PS. One tiny suggestion. I think it would flow better if you changed the contraction "isn't" to "is not" in line 31.
 

Ladskater

~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Sweetie:

I was thinking more about your poem and although the poem does sound somber and deals with death it does have an underlying ray of hope at the end. For a title I was thinking "Come with Me" or "Two Souls"
 

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
Thank you so much for your help with this! I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and I thought that this was one of the few where I've manged to get some feeling across. There's another poem I have, if anyone's interested in reading it, I'll post it.
 

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
I wrote this poem today and it's bothering me quite a bit...

I look into the mirror
And what do I see
This pale vision I once knew
Staring back at me
Beautiful I am not
Fearful I am
Worrying
Wondering
Tick tick tick
“Time is running out,”
She says as her finger goes down her throat
“Two more pounds just two more pounds!”
Such a wistful wishful hope
All I need is just to be
All I need is to just breathe free
No more worrying about what I am
No more caring about being thin
Battling a disease I cannot win
Overtaking
Forcing me in
With a grip so strong and a power so fierce
I’m losing grip
I’m losing
Thinner and thinner
Day by day
This girl I see
Is withering away
Into nothingness
Into fear
The closest hand
Is nowhere near
Washed away
Like sand on the beach
This girl is gone
Far out of reach
I looked into the mirror
And I saw nothing
A clear reminder
I had missed something
Now
I look into the casket
And what do I see
That pale young girl
Staring back at me…


I was thinking of shrinking it to just this:

I look into the mirror
And what do I see
This pale vision I once knew
Staring back at me
Beautiful I am not
Fearful I am
Worrying
Wondering
Overtaking
Forcing me in
With a grip so strong and a power so fierce
I’m losing grip
I’m losing
Thinner and thinner
Day by day
This girl I see
Is withering away
Into nothingness
Into fear
The closest hand
Is nowhere near
Washed away
Like sand on the beach
This girl is gone
Far out of reach
I looked into the mirror
And I saw nothing
A clear reminder
I had missed something
Now
I look into the casket
And what do I see
That pale young girl
Staring back at me...


Does that sound better without all the clutter in the middle or does it take away the effect of the poem?
 

Ladskater

~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Wanna help me?:

Sweetie:

I think the scaled down poem is better; but, you do have me worried! You sound depressed - this was my condition for many years. I wrote volumes of poetry when I was depressed.

After years and years of suffering I did finally seek some help. Although, it did somewhat affect my "muse" for writing poetry, I no longer suffer to the extent I once did.

I see your "cry for help" in this poem. Correct me if I am wrong.
 

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
I wouldn't doubt I am depressed; I've battled through depression since I was about 16 and I'm only now 19. I've always wrote poetry that's been considered "morbid" or "dark" but I've also always been told that it was what made my talent different.
I don't think this last poem was a cry for help. When I wrote it, I was actually thinking of one of my friends who battled through eating disorders, personality changes, abandonment... the whole works. And then after I wrote it, I showed another of my friends, and she admitted to me that she was suffering from it too.
But of course, she didn't and still doesn't see anything wrong with it... she's "fat", which she's not.

I thank you so much for your concern for me, but in this scenario, it's not necessary. When I write, I write about things that do affect me, but not necessarily directly. I write about racism, and dealing with that through an interracial relationship for a chapter of my life; I write about death because it's been a predominant feature in my life, with people around me dying and being faced with death numerous times myself; and I write about topics like eating disorders because I see people like this, not caring, not worrying about what they're doing to themselves, just pushing for the beauty... pushing so hard to be "thinner"... and I just need to express the pain, the sorrow and the sadness that everyone feels, and that everyone is just too scared to express.
 

Ladskater

~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Sweetie:

I used to do the same thing; especially when I was in the depths of despair. I am no longer on medication, but I still do fight "the demon within" as I used to call it. I read a book called "In the Jaws of the Black Dog." That's about what it is like for anyone suffering from depression. I am happy to hear the poem is not about you. Still, there is a lot of pain expressed in it.

Have you ever tried to write something more upbeat? I know it is harder. My best poetry was expressed in my depression years! It's a trade-off.
 

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
Ladskater said:
Sweetie:

I used to do the same thing; especially when I was in the depths of despair. I am no longer on medication, but I still do fight "the demon within" as I used to call it. I read a book called "In the Jaws of the Black Dog." That's about what it is like for anyone suffering from depression. I am happy to hear the poem is not about you. Still, there is a lot of pain expressed in it.

Have you ever tried to write something more upbeat? I know it is harder. My best poetry was expressed in my depression years! It's a trade-off.

I find it very hard to write something upbeat when there appears to be nothing to write about that is good and pure. :sheesh: Sad but true...
 
Joined
Jun 21, 2003
Sweetie, something upbeat and good and pure? Write about ice skating!

BTW, did you know that there is a separate folder on GS just for poems, stories, etc.? We've had a lot of fun there over the past year.

Mathman
 

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
Mathman said:
Sweetie, something upbeat and good and pure? Write about ice skating!

BTW, did you know that there is a separate folder on GS just for poems, stories, etc.? We've had a lot of fun there over the past year.

Mathman

Really, I thought that was just for skating-related writing. I'm sorry if I've clouded room on this board!
 
Joined
Jun 21, 2003
Well, it was supposed to be about skating related writing. But we've had discussions of word usage and a long analysis of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken," for example. We justified that by noting that the Dean of Yale University sent this poem to Sarah Hughes, when she was trying to decide which college to attend, LOL.

But this folder is OK, too. Topics do not have to be skating related in the Cafe.

Mathman
 

Ladskater

~ Figure Skating Is My Passion ~
Record Breaker
Joined
Jul 28, 2003
Sweetie:

There must be something positive you can write about! As Mathman pointed out figure skating would be a great place to start. Actually, figure skating was the one place that I could go and "escape" my "demon within." I always felt happiest while skating - it was freedom.

"Think - happy thoughts!"


girlsolo.gif
 

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
Some reason I simply cannot bring myself to write something "uplifting" about skating. If I tired, I'd probably end up focusing on one of the lowest times in skating... something sad :(
 

Grgranny

Da' Spellin' Homegirl
Joined
Jul 26, 2003
Have you tried thinking about some of the happy times in your life? Surely there must be some. I remember when I was depressed, it was really hard to think of anything good or happy times. I hope you are in therapy. I got over mine ok as it was after "female" operations. There is a lot more they can do now. Back then, there wasn't nearly as much they could do.
 

Sweetie

Rinkside
Joined
Aug 7, 2003
I remember a time
When everything seemed meek
A blocked path to the future
A future which seemed bleak
I told you I'd be there for you
Drop everything in a sec
Without hesitation
Without a second glance back
You never asked me
What you meant to me
I always thought you knew
That you were the star within my dreams
And if all else failed
And there was no other way
You'd be in my heart
And in my heart you'd stay
It's been years since I met you
So far off in the past
I never thought I'd see this day
This day you call your last
I'll hold your hand and sit here
Sit and watch you wither
Helpless as you quiver
Overridden with shivers
What you mean to me
Is more than I can say
If I had the choice
I would take your pain away
I would hold your hand forever
Never letting go
One day in heaven
You will think back to this and know
I always thought you knew
That you were the star within my dreams
And if all else fails
And there was no other way
You'll be in my heart
And in my heart you'll stay...
 
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