Your typical fanboy with some dreams

StarNinja

Spectator
Joined
May 18, 2017
Hi! Call me Skylar. I'm 15 and a half years old, and I'm male. I live in America. With an ice rink just 20 minutes away.
So, where to begin.

A little boy watching the Olympics, how about that. This little boy loves the figure skaters on TV, bubbling with excitement as a women is cast into the air by her partner, then caught perfectly. As those skaters skaters somehow manage to fly, and in perfect harmony. And, there he has it. His first dream.
Sorry, being dramatic xD.

So, I think by the second time i saw these skaters, I was hooked. I wanted to do that. I can't remember too well, but i think I inquired about it. I was told no, but the reason is what bugs me so much. It wasn't said that it was too much money, or work really, or even a flat out just "no". It was because my (parents) religion[which has been called a cult by many people] requires you to be fully devoted to it. Also, because the Olympics are patriotic (being patriotic is a nono in this religion), I was told that it wouldn't be a good idea to go anyways. I didn't know figure skating was a thing outside of the Olympics and Disney on Ice, and was so young, that I couldn't and, didn't even really want to make an argument. It didn't come up again. And...hasn't really, to be honest. I always remember that little boy who loved figure skating though. I would, and still do pretend skate on my own, haha. The whole socks on wooden floor fun. I would imagine I'm in a fantasy world, with different powers, but every time the ability to figure skate somehow wiggled its way into it. I even remember me playing the figure skating levels on Mario and Sonic Canada Olympics over and over again, but that doesn't really mean much I suppose haha. Maybe none of that does, I'm not sure. That's why I'm here.

So. Now last month, I began watching the infamous Yuri!!! on Ice. And it feels like everything's come back to me.

I held off of watching the show because I knew it "was gay". Religion and gay don't mix well. Especially when that's what I am, and when I stupidly out myself to my parents, but that's very besides the point.
I finally got around to watching it in April. And I was left amazed. As many were haha. I play piano, and the anime Your Lie in April inspired me to take it back up, and I am so happy I did. I learned songs I probably wouldn't have if I didn't watch that show (nothing outstanding, but still). I already loved, and still do love, the piano before that, so Your Lie in April (a music anime) spoke to me. Now, YOI has had the same effect it feels like, but this time I haven't done a thing to take a step toward this dream.

It feels like a lot of repressed emotions and dreams have been dug up by this show, and now it is constantly on my mind. I want to be on the ice. Sure, I'd love to have a fantastic performance with Quads and Triples, but at the moment, even being frequently stumbling across the ice would be wonderful. I just want to try. And that's where I went wrong.. again. By chance, my mom saw a song with the words "Yuri on Ice" in the title, and she said I was grabby with phone when she asked about it. Then, when I asked to please go ice skating about a week later, she remembered and decided to look up YOI on pintrest of all places. Of course, she was bombarded with "gay things", lol. So, she confronts me about if I watched the show, I lie my way out of it, bringing up how when I was little I liked ice skating. And that's where I've been for weeks. I want to ask, I probably will soon. Enough time has passed where she might not be so quick to jump on me about it. But it was just so crushing. She dared to even call the sport "Gay". Which I don't believe it is, nor any sport is to be honest. Anyways, haha, sorry for a rant about my personal life.

So now, I just feel so stuck. Of course, I feel already too old to start at the age I am, but that's the not worst part. I have to wait to even begin perusing this until I can move out, so for years to come. And then, who knows if life will even allow me to then.
And right now, this dream is like a star right in front of me, that I look up to throughout the day and night, easy to see and inspiring. But years from now, I don't know if it will be there. And that just doesn't feel fair. Sure, if it is something I really want to do, I should be willing to put in the work to achieve it, but what work can I do when it feels like I'm helpless. I would hate for it to die, again, without it even being given a chance.

So, here I am. It feels like a dream has been reawakened, and I want to pursue it, to at least see if I could stick with it. Of course I can say yes I will definitely stick with figure skating, but many say the same thing with different passions, but prove otherwise. I would at least like to be able to try. But, at the very best, I would be able to get a private coach months from now, and probably only be able to go to a lesson once a week, with limited practice time otherwise. And even that's pretty unrealistic for my situation. Hopefully I will at least get to be on the ice somewhat regularly in the future, because I have only been to an ice rink less than 10 times before.

Olympics is out of the question. Of course. I've learned that much. It may be dumb, all of this may be dumb, but I am fairly upset that the odds are against me to cleanly learn how to do a triple of every jump. I know I don't need fancy jumps to move someone in a crowd of people, but it really feels like I won't. But maybe that's all the Olympics videos I've been watching and YOI getting too me.

So. What can I do. What can I do when I am 15 and want to start skating, but most likely wont be able to semi seriously start till age 18-20. Is there anything I can do while I wait? Is there any way I can keep this dream alive? Even though that most likely depends on me. What can I do with this dream that I so desperately don't want to lose.

I need to look up the different requirements for competitions, and skating tests, all the technical things. I know that much. But is there anything else?

This is all just very frustrating and confusing. It leaves me feeling regret over not trying to push it younger, and upset, well even more upset, that I had to be born in to the family that I did.

Thank you for reading this very long, probably stupid rant. I hope I am not just being an angsty dramatic teen haha. Please if I am, tell me nicely lol.
Please answer my, confusing questions, and ask me some if you don't know what I mean or are confused.
Thank you once again, I hope you all have a fantastic day or night. And to you skaters, please stick with this. It is the most fantastic sport in my opinion. You all look beautiful.

EDIT: If this is posted in the wrong area, please let me know. And let me know how to fix it. Thanks!!
 
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RoaringMice

On the Ice
Joined
Aug 1, 2003
IMO, a great time to learn to skate is as an adult/older teen. You can drive yourself there, you can go when you do have time - you make it a priority, and you can spend what extra money you have on skating. You can also compete at the adult level, and get very, very good as a skater. So no, you're not going to the Olympics, but if you want to skate - I mean, if you're hoping to go to college, you can even pick a school that has an ice rink on campus or nearby, and take skating lessons there (or even skating for your PE classes, as some unis offer), and get started as soon as you have some freedom. So if you want to learn to really skate, you can.

If, however, what you really want is to reach the elite level in something, you want to focus on other sports (or do skating for fun and get really good at it, but do the other event as your main thing.) There are some activities where you can start late and, if you work very hard, you can reach the elite level - for example, ballroom dance.

So if the reality of your life is such that it might get you kicked out of the house or cut off, financially, if you do anything like this now, then wait until you are at a point in life where you're running the show. But don't not do it.

Until then, are there any sports or activities that would be acceptable to your parents, which might give you some skills you can later use in skating or dance? For example, martial arts - anything like that which requires control of movement through space. If so, you might want to see if you can get involved in that now, so you can use those skills when you are finally able to skate or etc. At least this way, you are building toward your final goal. And again, doing this doesn't mean you're going to the Olys for skating; but it can help you with your skating.
 
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renla

Rinkside
Joined
May 11, 2017
Hi, Skylar. I went through similar troubles with my family when I was your age (I'm 25 now), so I know where you're coming from. It's a very difficult situation to be in.

Fifteen is not too late to start. I knew next to nothing about figure skating, and like you, I watched Yuri! On Ice and was inspired to get out of my comfort zone and try something new for once. I doubt triples are in my future, but that's nothing to be ashamed of or to be regretful over. Don't hold yourself to the standard of an Olympian; most of them have been training for around 10 years at your age. It's not realistic to compare yourself to them, and you'd have a lot more fun just moving at your own pace and being the best YOU can be.

You say there's a rink 20 minutes away from you. Do you have any friends who drive? Do you have your driver's permit yet? I'm asking because figure skating is pretty expensive, and based on your parent's actions so far it doesn't seem like they'd be very supportive. If you were able to get there on your own, and maybe have a part time job, that could help depending on how your parents react when you ask them again. Most rinks require payment for time on the ice, and if you want a coach, that will be an expense as well. Rental skates are a pain to learn in so getting your own would be important for private lessons. If your rink has a Learn to Skate program, that could be a cheaper option for you, and they'd teach you all the basic skills.

I'm not advocating that you go behind your parent's backs, but these are some things to consider if/when you're able to skate.

In the meantime, to keep your motivation you could watch videos about figure skating on Youtube, interact with skaters on forums like this one, or even listen to your favorite songs and imagine your own programs to them! If you're able to get to the rink, I'd say to just familiarize yourself to the ice. I'd recommend against teaching yourself specific elements, because bad habits are hard to unlearn and coaches can stop them before they begin.

Looking up the testing requirements is a good way to set goals, but I wouldn't worry about them too much until you're able to get a coach. A lesson a week is perfectly fine, and if needed, I'd imagine twice a month would be fine, too, if you made sure to practice a certain amount of days each week. Do what you're able to do when you're able to do it, there's no rush. :)

I really hope this all works out for you. If you'd like, drop me a PM if you feel you need to chat about things. I could have used a listening ear when I was 15.
 
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jf12

Final Flight
Joined
Dec 8, 2016
Without your parents supporting you, it will be difficult for you to start to seriously skate, outside of talking them into it. But if you can get a job, and pay for it yourself, perhaps they wouldn't care as much? I also want to reassure you that, if your ultimate goal is to learn to skate and express yourself artistically on the ice, you can at age 18 just as well as you can at age 15.

I agree with RoaringMice about martial arts - that's one sport that's not stereotypically 'gay' that has a lot of the same body control and alignment skills as skating. Tai Chi especially! Obviously ballet is probably the most applicable, but your parents might not like that any better than skating. In the meanwhile, the more you can just go once in a while and skate around, just to build comfort, the easier it will be when you start more seriously.
 

loopy

Final Flight
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
My very best friend since we were 7 years old grew up with a strict religion. As we got older she could only play with me if I first had a religion class in her house (her religion is very big on converting, knocking on doors and stuff). I was a huge book reader so I really did not mind reading they little booklets before we got to play dolls. When she got a job she had more freedom. Mostly because her mother had her own issues by then and liked not buying things for her daughter so she was encouraged to work. She ended up getting a car and her mom ended up abandoning her - her church found her a new husband and he was 3 hours away and he did not want a step daughter who was not a believer anymore. So at 16 she had to emancipate herself and had to work more, get a car and go to school. It was the best thing for her and one of the hardest things. Anyway, 35 years later she owns her own business, is married and has a great spouse.

I guess I'm trying to say, be true to yourself and hang in there. Once you are own your own (look for a college where you have to live on campus - work really hard and you might get some scholarships) and start planning your escape. You need a job that doesn't take away from your schooling - some high schools hire students to work during lunch for pay), a part time job so that you dependable, and a hobby that gets you out of the house. Then you can build yourself to be who you want to become. That may include skating (a college with it's own rink and ice as PE would be great). Even a college near a rink where you can get a part time job. Start planning because you will have strength in your plans.

Life gets easier, you will be loved unconditionally be friends and life won't always feel so difficult.

This might be a long shot - but do you have any skater friends? My daughter always invites kids to skate with her (or since YOI that have asked if they could skate with her), maybe if there is a girl skater involved, your parents might get the idea that you like them and be okay with you going. As long as the girl knows what is going on, it might be fine for them. But finally, keep your grades up so you have options, if your parents won't pay for school away or at all, just get the loans. You need space to be your own person.
 

Violet Bliss

Record Breaker
Joined
Nov 19, 2010
Hi Skylar. Knowing you are passionate about something is great. Many people go through life not having a sense of purpose or a passion, thus feeling aimless and joyless.

Figure skating needs not be connected to the Olympics and to gayness. There are no gay sports, only sports more open than others. There are gay athletes in every sport just as in the general society. Show your mom examples of the toughness of skating athletes, physically and character wise, but be careful not to scare her! Has she accepted your gayness even if she may not like the fact? Then she should know figure skating is not a "cause" of your gayness. Besides, it's a sport you can participate in and excel with equal opportunity without much fear of being discriminated against.

Go for your dreams and the ride and see how far you can go. You need not confine yourself to being successful in the highest levels of competitions. Enjoy the sport and the journey, finding your goals along the way. Others have very good advice on how you can pursue learning and practicing on your own. However, having your parents' support or at least acceptance would make your life and skating easier and more enjoyable. Don't fight with them but show you are being a "good boy" and will develop into a responsible, well adjusted and happy adult with skating in your life. Assure them your education will not suffer.

If you are truly passionate about skating or about trying out options in life, go ahead with or without your parents' support while showing them you are still the same good son and good person that you are. Don't wish you have started younger but make sure you will start as early as you can. Life is about making choices. You can always choose again. In fact, you will keep on choosing all your life. Eventually, people only regret what they have not done in their lives, not what they did.
 

StarNinja

Spectator
Joined
May 18, 2017
Wow, thank you both for taking the time to read this wall of text through and respond to it. It really means a _lot_ to me, especially since it was a very all over the place post haha. I'm surprised at how good your replies are to something that doesn't make too much sense and was written at 4 in the morning >.>. Thank you.

So first, to RoaringMice: First off, I'd like to thank you for laying down the facts of the matter. Just separating the goal of wanting to be elite at something from learning to skate. Illustrating that divide has me thinking about it and, haha, I deffinitally would rather be skating than any of the other activities mentioned (or that I could think of). It just helped me separate this passion from an unacheivable goal. Also, thank you for throwing in that I can still be "very, very" good at skating...reading that helps me to see that I don't need to be at elite level, or match what I see on TV.

Wow.... I was going to reply to everyone, but when writing my reply I had to go for a few hours, and now that I'm back there are much more than just two comments. Thank you guys so much for taking the time to reach out to me. I don't think I can will be able to write a reply to everyone, at least one that doesn't the same each time I respond lol, so I'll try to write a general one here.

I really really appreciate you all sort of knocking me into sense haha. I need to not compare myself to Olympians, who train day and night most of their lives to get to where they are. Or, and anime...xD. I should just enjoy myself, get lost in it, and do my best. When the time comes that I can start putting all my effort into it that is.

The two of you that recommended martial arts, that was really smart haha. I never would of thought of that. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to do this sport either though, because it has to do with violence....My religion is _really_ strict :<. It was a very good recommendation though, thank you!
Another point I wanted to make is that, unfortunately, my parents would in no way be accepting of me being gay. Not even like, they disapprove but still don't mind much. I wish it were that to be honest. I will most likely be shunned if I ever do get with a man...that's just the way this religion is. I hate it. I don't know if they will support me through college or not at that point, I should probably prepare for the worst though. Even if I feel like a bad son or person at times, I know deep down that I'm doing nothing wrong. I just have to make it through until I can get out of here. But..that is very, very, VERY much easier said than done.
I'm lucky enough to have a couple friends online that I can talk to, but that's it. The only contact I have (I've been home schooled from 7th grade on btw) with people that arn't part of my religion, is a meeting every two weeks that lasts two hours with a group of students, but even one of them is part of my religion. The only real place I am "free", is the creative writing class I am in on every friday. It lasts for three hours and is just great, I've deeply alluded too through my writing and even told someone (when asked) that I am gay. With that comes the fear of my parents finding out of course, and having to jump through hoops to make my writing seem ok to them, but I still love it dearly. I hope there is some way I can stay in contact with my friends from that class, it may have to be secret though.

None of my friends ATM are skaters, at least as far as I know. Definitively none that want to pursue it seriously haha. I have friends from school that would probably go skating with me from time to time, but I don't know how realistic that is. My religion does not like its members having friends with those outside the religion. It has litterally been said that anyone else should only be an acquaintance.

Darn. I wrote out a big long reply here but I had to relog in and this is all that got saved.

I can't remember everything I said, so im just going to randomly state things lol. I'm sorry about that.

Skating is indeed expensive. I have over 300 dollars saved, but that won't go very far if I'm paying for it by myself. I am particularly confused about the situation of buying ice skates. I think I would fair better because each of the rental skates ive been in have hurt a lot from the time i put them on. I would love to buy skates but am afraid I will grow out of them too quickly, because I'm not sure if my feet are still growing. Any tips?

None of the "friends" I have at church have a car, and I dont think i would want to go with them anyways because it hurts to be around them, knowing they would be disgusted by me if they knew who I really am and that I dont wan to change.

As for other friends, I have never done anything outside of school with anyone that wasnt a part of my religion. Since my parents are really suspicious of me now, I doubt that would change.

I tried a public skating class last year, but it was very disorganized in my opinion and I didn't get the help I needed. I think I'd do better with a private teacher, if that is what a coach is then let me know lol.

There's no way my parents would be the slightest bit ok with me being gay. At least not for a very long time. In fact, I will most likely be shunned if/when I ever get in a relationship with a man. I hate the situation I am in.

Ummm, I can't remember if I answered anything else. I'm so sorry for the mishap, there was soooo much more that I had written down. I went into detail about all those answers.
I also thanked you guys dearly for taking the time to read and reply to my post, it means ALOT to me. Please continue to do so, because frankly I need all the help I can get lol.
I also thank you for showing me how much I was comparing myself to others, without even thinking it was that much. I just need to try my personal best, be happy with what I'm doing. If that's the case, I'll be satisfied, I'll love it.
 

karne

in Emergency Backup Mode
Record Breaker
Joined
Jan 1, 2013
Country
Australia
First, I am so, so sorry to hear about your awful situation. My heart breaks for you. Know that whatever this is like now, it is only temporary, and I truly believe that one day you will find a place in the world where you are truly loved for who you are. :ghug:

The other thing is that, while I know you want to start now, if that is not possible, don't lose hope. Skating can be with you all of your life, and it's never too late to start. The ice will always be there, waiting for you.
 

ribbit

On the Ice
Joined
Nov 9, 2014
Skylar, it gets better. It really does. Loopy's suggestion that you look to college as an escape is a smart one. You mention that you're homeschooled, so you won't have a traditional high-school transcript. Start compiling a portfolio of academic and creative work now, if you haven't already. And start thinking about the narrative you would tell about your intellectual development, should your colleges of choice ask for a portfolio and commentary.

Your test scores (ACT or SAT) will be important. Take practice tests, use online and printed prep materials, do what you can to get your scores as high as you can. Plan to take the test at least once in your junior year of high school, so that you will have scores to send with your applications and plenty of time to take the test again if you think you can raise your scores. Prepare for and take the PSAT in your sophomore year or the beginning of your junior year, if you can, because colleges and some scholarships identify prospective applicants through their PSAT scores. Start researching the admissions standards for possible college choices now; if you have no sense of where and what you might like to study, start with the flagship campus of your state university system (e.g. UC Berkeley if you're in California, IU Bloomington if you're in Indiana, UT Austin if you're in Texas...) Will they ask for SAT II subject tests or AP tests? (Many institutions suggest that homeschooled students take SAT subject tests in core subjects such as math and writing, as independent proof that you're prepared to succeed at the college level.) As you continue to research colleges and get a slightly better sense of where you'd like to study and what your parents may pay for, you could check out the admissions websites of some of your preferred institutions for advice for homeschooled students; you could even write to the admissions officers and ask them more specific questions about your particular situation to get more information and to get on their radar. (Don't ask them anything that's already answered on the school's website, though!)

Colleges will want to see that you have outside activities, so keep going with your creative writing class if you enjoy it. Ask the teacher if s/he would be willing to write a letter of recommendation for you. Think about who else might write for you. You don't mention exactly how you're studying, but if you're taking courses at a local community college or from independent tutors, think about who might write you a strong letter of recommendation and ask at the semester's or year's end--don't wait a few years and then try to track down an instructor who hasn't taught you in a long time. It sounds as if your opportunities to get involved in your community are quite limited, but it also sounds as if you enjoy reading and writing and your parents are willing to support this interest to some extent. Is there a local library with a book club (or even volunteer opportunities) for teens? Assuming that your parents want you to go to college, could the argument that you need extracurricular activities and letters of recommendation from adults who have taught or supervised you extensively for your college applications help persuade your parents to let you participate in another activity, and/or keep taking your creative writing class?

Finally, check out the sticky thread "So you want to be a figure skater" in this subforum (The Lutz Corner). There are some helpful posts and links in there about adult test and competition tracks and lots of inspiring stories from posters who began skating as adults themselves. And remember: it gets better.
 

Seren

Wakabond Forever
Record Breaker
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Remember you are strong- you've been in this environment 15 years, in another 3 you will be independent. Skating is a wonderful dream, and just because you started late doesn't mean you can't be a really good skater someday. There are competitions for all ages and levels.

In the meantime there are a lot of things you can work on. Skating requires a lot of balance and strength. Working on leg strength, plyometrics and balance exercises like yoga can really help. And maybe if you said you wanted to go to the rink and learn to skate laps for exercise your parents might be a little more open. I know a lot of really good skaters who started later than 18-20, you can be one of them someday. Don't give up on your dream and don't give up on yourself. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are.
 

doubleoxer

Rinkside
Joined
Feb 10, 2017
What are your parents' opinions on hockey? Maybe you could take that up for a bit? In order to learn hockey you can take a learn to skate class as well, and you'll learn the same things you would when learning to figure skate. So maybe they'd be more open to that instead? And when you're 18 and in college, you can switch over to figure skating. It would be much better than not skating at all because you can still be on the ice. :)
 

jrice314

Rinkside
Joined
Jun 16, 2015
Hi Skylar,

I have nothing to add regarding the skating because I am in a similar boat of having always wanted to skate but never had a real chance. For me, it was not because my mother (dad not in the picture) was unsupportive but because we lived too far from a rink when I was young and my mother was a single mom who had to work full-time to take care of me. Now, I am married and my husband and I live in a rural area of the country, 40 minutes away from the nearest rink. While I could take up skating now, since I am close to 30 and have developed other interests / priorities, the time and money is no longer worth it. Someday if we live closer or if my life circumstances change, I may change my mind, but not for the foreseeable future. So for now, I dance in my living room, watch lots of skating on ice network, and occasionally travel to a live event / competition.

Anyway, so what I wanted to say, is not really addressed to skating aspect of your situation, but some other aspects. In particular, I want to encourage you to do your best to love your parents, to keep communication lines open, and to forgive them for their mistakes. I have gone through extremely difficult periods with my mother and am still learning how to stay in relationship with her in a healthy way. There was a time when I felt like my mother ruined my life by making some poor choices for me or by limiting my choices (ie. not letting me change my major in college, making bad choices about a mental health issue). While my evaluation of the wisdom of her choices has not changed, I have become a lot more understanding of the limitations in her own life that led to these poor choices and a lot more sympathetic. Specifically, I've come to really appreciate how hard it was for her to be a single mother, how her parents didn't always model the best choices / communication style / relationship habits, how she has struggled with racial discrimination all her life, etc. I'm not saying you should talk extensively about the issues you disagree about with your parents, but try to not shut them out of your life entirely (even when you go to college). The more love and kindness you can show your parents, the easier it will be for them to accept any decisions you make in the future and the better it will be for everyone involved. Also, if you can model how to disagree while still showing love and respect, it will be easier for them to do the same.

Finally, this is probably way off topic, but just because your parents handle religion one way, doesn't mean that everyone does. If there are things about your religion that you find positive and helpful to you (or beautiful or true), maybe someday, you can try to reflect on that and see if there are other people who practice your religion in a way that emphasizes the positive and discards the negative or if there are other religions out there that balance things better.

I wish you all the best!
 
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4everchan

Observer
Record Breaker
Joined
Mar 7, 2015
What are your parents' opinions on hockey? Maybe you could take that up for a bit? In order to learn hockey you can take a learn to skate class as well, and you'll learn the same things you would when learning to figure skate. So maybe they'd be more open to that instead? And when you're 18 and in college, you can switch over to figure skating. It would be much better than not skating at all because you can still be on the ice. :)

hehe that's the stunt i tried on my parents.. but skating was too expensive...
 

4everchan

Observer
Record Breaker
Joined
Mar 7, 2015
Don't you wish you had parents like Mrs. Chan who put her son into figure skating when little Patrick wanted to play hockey?

i think we ought to be grateful to mrs Chan for making Patrick a figure skater.... as far as I am concerned, i am grateful my parents later on understood my creativity needed to be expressed and supported me as a musician
 

Seren

Wakabond Forever
Record Breaker
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Anyway, so what I wanted to say, is not really addressed to skating aspect of your situation, but some other aspects. In particular, I want to encourage you to do your best to love your parents, to keep communication lines open, and to forgive them for their mistakes. I have gone through extremely difficult periods with my mother and am still learning how to stay in relationship with her in a healthy way. There was a time when I felt like my mother ruined my life by making some poor choices for me or by limiting my choices (ie. not letting me change my major in college, making bad choices about a mental health issue). While my evaluation of the wisdom of her choices has not changed, I have become a lot more understanding of the limitations in her own life that led to these poor choices and a lot more sympathetic. Specifically, I've come to really appreciate how hard it was for her to be a single mother, how her parents didn't always model the best choices / communication style / relationship habits, how she has struggled with racial discrimination all her life, etc. I'm not saying you should talk extensively about the issues you disagree about with your parents, but try to not shut them out of your life entirely (even when you go to college). The more love and kindness you can show your parents, the easier it will be for them to accept any decisions you make in the future and the better it will be for everyone involved. Also, if you can model how to disagree while still showing love and respect, it will be easier for them to do the same.

Finally, this is probably way off topic, but just because your parents handle religion one way, doesn't mean that everyone does. If there are things about your religion that you find positive and helpful to you (or beautiful or true), maybe someday, you can try to reflect on that and see if there are other people who practice your religion in a way that emphasizes the positive and discards the negative or if there are other religions out there that balance things better.

I wish you all the best!


I appreciate the point you are trying to make with the original poster but I think this comes across as oversimplifying. Parents are complicated, and so are relationships. But some of that needs to be on parents. If I followed your advice I would still be in the same miserable situation I was in when I finished high school. Distance and time has made my relationship wth my parents better. You cannot expect other people will change- they can, but if they aren't willing to make the effort to at least try then the relationship is unhealthy. Being self sacrificial for the benefit of people who won't change isn't a good thing. Doing what is best for our own mental health isn't selfish.
 

karne

in Emergency Backup Mode
Record Breaker
Joined
Jan 1, 2013
Country
Australia
In particular, I want to encourage you to do your best to love your parents, to keep communication lines open, and to forgive them for their mistakes.

Sorry but no. Just no. This is one of the most damaging things you could possibly tell a kid in Skylar's situation. It has been made abundantly clear that Skylar's parents will hate him when they know for certain he is gay, they would even shun him and cut him off, so why should he love them or forgive them? Perhaps, at some future time that might occur, but right now, we have a fifteen year old who is terrified of his parents finding out, who knows that his parents hate who he is. Invalidating his feelings and telling him that he is wrong and must love and forgive his parents (exactly the sort of bullrubbish that the evil cult he's in would be telling him!) is just cruel.
 

treesprite

Final Flight
Joined
Feb 16, 2010
Hi Skylar,

I just want to say that you have a lot of great things to look forward to as you become an independent adult. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your sanity, so that you make it to adulthood in as clear a state of mind as you are now, with all of your goals, and the strengths you already have to work on them, intact.

Keep your head above any people or circumstances that would have you dragged down.

No matter what age you start skating, in the eyes of yourself and the people who are supportive of you, you will be as much as shining star starting as an adult as you would be if you started young.

Starting as an adult, you will still have opportunities to skate in competitions, and could even eventually share your love of the sport by becoming a skating instructor once you have reached an appropriate level to the type of teaching you might want to do.

Is there any possibility of getting a pt or volunteer job at the ice rink, so that at least you would be in that environment? I work at a rink and the atmosphere around me there is always interesting, exciting, positive, and fun, even when I am just doing stupid stuff like sweeping up crunched up crackers. Actually, maybe if you could get a job there, it would be a way to ease into skating without flack from your parents, since it would kind of be a job related activity. The rink here actually hires kids to be skate guards who have never even skated before (then I get stuck giving them crash courses in how to tie skates, fall and stand up, and how to stop without having to crash into the wall). Maybe you would have to wait until 16 years old - that's the age they say here. There are so many ways to convince most parents that a job is a good idea, especially one that will allow development of leadership skills and promote physical health (if you could work your way into a rink guard position).
 
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StarNinja

Spectator
Joined
May 18, 2017
Hello everyone. I'm sorry that I am just now replying to everything. Things have been busy with school and stress from it + my parents being particularly bum these past few days. I have been on reading the replies and private messages I've received, but havn't had the time or energy to reply until now, so thank you for waiting. I'm also being smart this time and typing this message out in a different window because I DO NOT want all of this to be deleted haha.

Thank you all again for responding to my post. I'm really suprised and happy that I received so much support and kindness from you all. It feels really good for so many people to just care about my situation and sympathise with me. Hopefully that isnt selfish. It's just when I have so many people immediatly around me that are the opposite of me, things feel really grim. I know so so so many people do think that being gay fine, but keeping that in mind is hard. So just having so many people tell me so here is nice.

You guys have been so encouraging. Calling me strong, assuring me that things will be better, saying I have a clear state of mind... thank you so much for all of your support.

Ok, so I'll try to answer questions and respond now.

First I'd like to thank you alot @ribbit for giving me so much insight on ways I can prepare for schooling and improve my likely hood of getting in. I really do need to look into for myself what tests I need to take and how I can go about taking them (the ones you reccomended). As well as what different school options I have. It's hard for me mentally to go in and do this because I don't know "what I want to be when I grow up" as far as jobs go, and so I don't know what schools I would end up needing. This kind of overwhelms me and ends up getting me worrying about not knowing what I want to be rather than looking up the information. I need to move past this though, perhaps looking up more general imformation like you sugested rather than trying to know which specific school I want will help me. I will adress the writing class later, but as for volenteer work, I could try to see what my parents will let me do. I'm uncertain whether or not they will let me, or if I will find something I'm interested in. Thank you for prompting me to think about this more and look more into my schooling, because I need to be as prepared as I can be.
And I have seen that thread, I only read the original post though. I will have to reread it and scan through it's replies again though to refresh myself, but thank you for reccomending it!

To those that reccomended hockey, thanks for the idea haha. I can see how it could help, but I don't really have much of an interest in the sport at all. I know I should try to take what I can get, but I just don't have the desire to. I hope that's not too dumb to think lol. Either way, it would be very unlikely that I could play any sport. My religion doesn't veiw sports or being on a team as bad per say, but it isn't really reccomended due to the ammount of time it consumes and how that time could be spent on serving God. And then it would expose yu to "bad assisiation" because of the team mates. And going on to pursue that sort of carreer isn't reccomended. I've also heard it can be difficult do adjust from hocky skates to figure skates, but that's probably not that important. So, there's nothing really going for me in reguards to that idea, but thanks for the recomendation anyways! It is quite smart.

I also _really_ iked the idea @treesprite had of getting a job or volenteering at an ice rink. I agree that it could help out with getting into skating, and just overall be a good atmosphere to be in. The only thing about this, is that it would be more difficult to convince my parents to let me get a job. My dad has said before that he didn't want me to be working in school because things would be too time consuming, and because it could block out time for spiritual activities. I do want eventually try to convince them though to let me get a job at an ice rink of I can, it would be again a nice atmosphere all around, something i would find intersting and exciting and everything you said. It would also give me a bit of pocket money, which would be nice in the present but also could help me save for college and housing. I'm already saving with my allowance money lol. To be honest, at first it was for if I were to decide I need to run away, but that would be risking everything. Lately I realized that the same money would help me when the time comes, and this helps motivate me to keep on going. Little tangent haha. Do you or anyone else have any ideas on how I could convince them? Thank you for the really good idea, I love it!

Now, I'd like to adress @jrice314. First, I'd like to thank you for replying and trying to help me out. I know you had good intentions when you wrote your comment and I really appreciate you trying to help. I have to agree with the others though in saying that it did seem oversimplified. While I appreciate you encouraging me to love and respect my parents, things are a bit more complicated than that. I would also like to say, I in no way want to imply that the things you went through are somehow less than mine or something like that. I do try to respect my parents, and I have a sort of family love for them, but I am not sure at this point how much more it is than that. It is really confusing for me to tell if I really do love them or not. They have done and said things that have just made my life miserable since January when I came out to them. And before then, I had been so scared that they would find out and about the thought of coming out to them. And confused about myself and worried and depressed about thinking I would miss out on a perfect afterlife with them. Scared at the thought of dissapointing them and so many of the other people I care about. Having to feel bad because I hid so much from them and thought that was bad. All that only to be punished and things to get worse.(As a side note, no one other than them and the "congregation elders" my dad tells are supposed to know I'm gay, even my younger brother. This gets interesting because they often say things out loud that allude to it, but anyways.) In a way, I was forced to come out even, because I didn't want to get baptised since that meant "devoting my life to god" and I knew I wasn't ready to do that. My dad had been bringing it up alot, and said he would again at the end of January, and the last time he had he had yelled and gotten angry, and even if he apoligized for it I expected it to get worse and I couldn't think of any excuses as to why I shouldn't get baptized. I shouldn't of come out even still. Anywyas, even if they weren't going to shun me when I grow older, I don't know how much I would keep in contact with them. I have suspected and have been confirmed in a way by my friends, that the way they have been acting has been emotionally abusive towards me. I was usure about that for a while, and still am a to an extent, but everything that they have put me through and made me feel is emotional abuse to me. They say they love me, they want me to know no matter what they love me, and I'm sure in their mind they do, but their actions and words do not show it. I don't want things to be this way, I hope it doesn't seem or that I am not being too "woe is me" right now, but this is just the way things are. That's why I can't easily, truely say I love them other than the natural love that you want to have for your family. As far as forgiving them, I'm not sure about that. In a way I could and in a way I couldn't. I know they feel that they _know_ what they beleive is right, even when no one can truely know. And this is why they act the way they do. But this does not excuse the actions they have done to me. So the topic of forgiveness is tricky, I need to think about it more. I hope this hasn't been too harsh, I'm sorry if I've been rude in some way. I know you were just trying to help, but this just made my feelings feel invalid and made me unsure if what I was feeling toward them and my how i felt was unwarranted. For example. Some things that has stuck with me is years before I came out, my dad told me that his greatest fear was one of his children telling him "Dad, I'm gay" and he never apoligized for that even though it was mentioned. Another was that, he has said at least once, if I remember correctly twice, after I came out that he "would rather be dead than have had that happen". No apology for that either. I know (concerning the latter) that things are said "in the heat of the moment" that shouldnt of been, but it still hurts and it is still what he feels. And is it really in the heat of the moment when was likely said multiple times? They also say they will always love me, and the religion in general says that it doesn't hate gay people, but just the act of homosexuality. Frankly though, I think that is pretty BS (woah didn't know this required me to censor myself lol, I'm glad I hadn't been swearing before) and does not make sense. I do appreciate the point you were trying to make though and the thought you put into your reply, and your willingness to share your own experience with me. I hope I have not been too harsh.

I can't wait to start learning how to figure skate. You guys have really helped me to see that I can...heh, I can be a star in my own way, and in the same way as I'd be if I had been skating when I was younger. I can't wait to be a good skater. I don't ever want to let this dream die. There are certain things I want to always be with me, this is one of them. I hope that doesn't ever change.

I also absolutely can't wait until I'm finally out of all of this. When I can freely see my friends and say what I want. When I don't have to go into incognito mode to even write a post about ice skating. When I don't have to be worried about being caught or about what I'm going to go through for years to come. I wish so badly it would come here quicker. Where I don't have to be depressed and miserable every day over all of this. Well, who's to say I won't be depressed then, but regardless, it at least wouldn't be from this. I am sick of feeling like everyone physically around me is dragging me down and causing me to be sad. I'll try my best to take care of myself and keep me mentally intact. Any advice for this would be much appreciated haha.

As always, any comments are appreciated, so please don't hesitate to. That might be weird to say lol, sorry, it's been so nice though to have all of you help me out. I hope you all have a good day! (Also I apologize for all the spelling mistakes)
 

StarNinja

Spectator
Joined
May 18, 2017
Oh, I also did forget to mention this. I asked my mom today if we could go ice skating this Wednesday. I said that it has been hard for me to get PE in lately and this would be something I really enjoy and would provide PE. We had been talking beforehand, and I just brung it up because I had been mentioning things to her regarding the week, and I figured it would be an ok time to bring it up. She kind of changed the topic back to what she had been talking about as I was looking up the different times the skating rink was open (I already knew but wanted to show her). She did even say at some point that tomorrow was a mostly free day other than something later in the evening (since it might be more convenient to go tomorrow, well now today, than Wednesday). She also asked when I first mentioned it to her today why I would want to do that and not go to the gym. So anyways, I read out all the times to the week for her, but she sort of cut me off and walked away saying I don't really want to do that (or some similar words conveying that idea). I mentioned as she walked away to talk to my dad (he had came home as I was asking her) that she could just drop me off, but she said no. It really bums me out. I thought that I had a good chance of being able to go. It frustrates me that she would be willing to take me to the gym but not this, especially when she wouldn't even really need to skate. She could just watch. Or, simply drop me off. Idk if this is childish of me to think, but I'd like to say that I'm old enough to be at the ice rink for a few hours without her there, it's a public place with employees all around and if anything bad happens I could make a scene. Anyways... that's mostly it. I just really wish I could go. I don't know why every time I try to bring it up I am shot down. It is really sad an frustrating. Sorry for the complaining lol.
 
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