How does one deal with a person(s) who invite themselves along?

[Tonichelle]

My family and I are headed out for a long overdue and much needed family vacation. It's been in the works for over a year now. We're about 5 weeks away from taking off.

One of my close friends is going with her family to the same location on their family trip. They booked/planned their trip about a month ago (if that). Our vacation dates overlap by a couple of days. My friends' mom emailed me a few weeks ago and asked if we wouldn't mind meeting up for a couple of hours on the trip. That was no problem, it would be fun, whatever.

Now she's decided that the two days that we overlap we should spend as much time together as possible. I told her that we don't mind them tagging along, but that we had our vacation plans and itinerary pretty set in stone back at the beginning of summer, and we weren't going to try and change them at such a late date.

Last week this woman asked me what our plans for those two days were. I sent her the itinerary which had the location we were going to be and where we had reservations to eat. That's all I had written down for myself. She immediately responded back with "wow, you sure know how to take the fun out of vacation. you really micromanage." She went on to say that we can't possibly tour this way because we haven't thought about little feet getting tired (they have a 4 year old in their group).

Mind you - this is an itinerary that *I* did not come up with one my own. Each family member had a great deal of say. And our day is NOT planned out except where/when to eat. And where does she come off griping about how the plans ruin HER vacation?! She invited herself into ours?! She's now telling our mutual friends and the world of facebook that I'm a vacation nazi.

I'm *this close* to just telling her to forget it we don't need to tour together, but she's a close friend's mom and I know it'll make issues. (I attend the same church and my dad and her husband are good friends). I just don't know how to deal with this without losing my mind. The worst part is she doesn't realize she's out of line!

 

[gmyers]

Drop her Like a hot potato!!! You made your vacation she made Hers and if they are in the same place who cares!!

 

[Olympia]

That sounds so awkward. I really don't know what advice to give. what do your parents say? My worst question for you: If you had no other way out, could you somehow be Zen (metaphorically speaking) for two days in this woman's company and still be able to enjoy the rest of the trip despite this? We hope that would be your plan Z with many other possibilities taking precedence, but could you somehow talk yourself into gracious survival mode if at all necessary?

I see how difficult this situation is because this woman is part of your community circle. You don't want to poison the well that you'll be drinking from, so to speak) when you return home. Maybe someone else here on GS is more savvy and can think of a really good way out, short of pleading illness for one of the days and reading in bed.

 

[heyang]

How do your parents feel about her reaction? Would they say something to her about her comments - ie. 'We had so much planning our trip - we each picked out what we wanted to do.'

All you have to do is say I'm sorry that it might be too much for the 4 yr. old. Maybe you can meet us for dinner. Then over dinner, you could each comment on why you picked your activities for the day.

Just don't change your plans for them. Since they are friends of your parents, I would let them manage her. Some people are just oblivious to other people's feelings - you can't change them. You can only change how you deal with them. Since you likely have mutual friends, you should just post how much you're looking forward to the vacation that the entire family has planned.

 

[Tonichelle]

Unfortunately you can't be subtle with this woman. It could be that she is trying to be "funny" and nobody gets the joke. My parents have both already let her know that I spent a lot of time planning the vacation THEY wanted. I can't rearrange some of the things we have for this trip without having fees or not getting to do them at all.

Neither of my parents really wants to tour with them LOL because they figured she'd just whine about everything. Mom's worried she'd get stuck with her most of the days because neither one of them likes the more adventurous stuff the rest of us in both groups do... mom can only handle this woman in very small doses. :-/ We just didn't know how to get out of it without it causing issues.

 

[dorispulaski]

That sounds so awkward! And living in a small town & going to the same church, you can't just avoid this woman down the pike. Would your dad be up to telling her husband (since dad & husband are friends) some family reason(s) why your vacation is so planned and set in stone (not lies; I am sure that there are excellent reasons why everything is so organized, because otherwise you would not have done it that way.

Possibles that a family might opt for planning:
1. Person A is a diabetic & has to eat at strict times
2. Person B has severe food allergies and can't eat at certain restaurants
3. Person C has anxiety disorder and is not happy if things are not planned
4. heyang's suggestion: Entire family has very diverse tastes, and voted on everything so that each person has some of what they want. It's a family contract and we can't change it now. (This has a downside-next time she may want to be in the planning up front to accommodate her plans)

Maybe the husband is more reasonable and he can deal with the wife?

Mostly this is your parents' problem to solve, since it is their friend (the mother) that is the problem, and not your friend, except for the facebook issue. And I hear that the more time you spend on facebook & other social networking sites, the more depressed you get.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/facebook-depression-study

You could deal with that by announcing that you are taking a facebook vacation for a couple weeks to become undepressed/get ready for your fabulous vacation/go on fabulous vacation. By then, all this will have blown over and facebook will have moved on.

 

[Olympia]

I'm almost tempted to suggest that you embrace her characterization of you and say, "Yes, I'm a vacation Nazi; don't mess with me!" If this woman is such an overbearing personality, she has probably rubbed quite a few other people the wrong way, and they would understand your plight if she started badmouthing you. It might be a badge of honor in your community....

How do some people turn out that way, I've always wondered. They make things so difficult for others, and I'm not all that certain it makes them any happier to do so. I had an aunt who was a bit like that.

 

[Johar]

Of all the places on earth she aranged to vacation at your destination? Was that secretly planned on her part?

 

[merrywidow]

Toni, If it was me, I'm afraid I'd take the easy way out & just ignore her remarks. If she persists, then tell her, "these are OUR plans, made for adults. So sorry you & your family can not fit in with them at this time."

 

[Scrufflet]

Oh Toni, Toni! I had this one happen to me about a year ago with a relative who sounds very similar to this woman. I had planned a birthday celebration in a pub for my husband. An older cousin announced she was coming much to my chagrin. It was not suitable for her as it was loud, crowded and for a different type of crowd. We wanted our friends from music/dance communities there, not family. Then she told me that I would have to get my friends to chauffeur her as she doesn't do transit anymore! I was furious! Plus I was afraid that her son-in-law was going to crash the party and try to get people there to choose sides in an upcoming divorce. Yuck! I decided that nobody was going to hijack my plans and told her I could not help her with transit, period. She did not come, the son-in-law did not come and the party was wonderful!
With your situation, she cornered all of you and put you on the spot. Because you sent her the details of your trip, she now had ammunition. To make it worse she insulted you personally and on Facebook. This is not a woman you want to spend time with as she will ruin the holiday. Your poor parents may not be able to take action, but I suggest you do whatever you can to preserve your own sanity and help them out. I'd say "I'm so sorry this trip is not going to work out as planned and we should probably try to get together at a later date to celebrate; we all look forward to seeing you then for a ....(bbq, concert, whatever)". If she persists, then your trip requires a lot of planning for many reasons which we cannot disclose (hint medical and look mysterious) and of course, because she has a child, she needs to be spontaneous.... If she continues, just cut her off with I'm so sorry this just won't work for all of us. Be firm because these people really want to control; it's not a matter of them wanting your company.
Oh and this relative wanted to come on a trip to a cottage we went to one summer. As it was a chance at a weekend alone together, we were alarmed. It's like inviting yourself on somebody's honeymoon. We said no. there is no room for you and it is not that kind of holiday. All of us would blush if we were on the receiving end of that but not her. She just said oh and proceeded to bully the next person in her path.
I'm so sorry you got bushwhacked! Obviously, this touches a nerve with a lot of us. Good luck with this and hold firm!

 

[Dee4707]

I'm almost tempted to suggest that you embrace her characterization of you and say, "Yes, I'm a vacation Nazi;

I agree that you come back and say...yes, I am whatever (in a very nice but firm way). You and your family owe this women and your friend nothing. Yes, even your friend. If she's a friend, no matter what she will always be your friend. I think you need to also make it well known that this is your "FAMILY's" vacation, not your friend's nor this woman. I don't think you should entertain any more of her questions, kidding her by saying....remember I'm the vacation Nazi.

I think, Toni, that you might be feeling a little guilty because of your friend and this woman is a friend of your parents and you're trying to please everyone and you're making yourself miserable. It's your FAMILY vacation, don't let them spoil it for you.

Be firm (but nice) and say here is the time we can give you and give her specifics, don't let her change anything, repeat again....here is the time we can give you. Our FAMILY wants and needs to spend time together.

How do some people turn out that way, I've always wondered. They make things so difficult for others, and I'm not all that certain it makes them any happier to do so.

I have always thought it's because we let them be that way.

 

[Tonichelle]

Of all the places on earth she aranged to vacation at your destination? Was that secretly planned on her part?

They were originally going in December to the same destination but the airline tickets were too expensive... but the week we're leaving apparently was super cheap so they changed plans.

I didn't even notice what she posted on facebook until someone mentioned it when they ran into me in the store. A lot of our mutual friends just smile at me like they know I've gotten myself into a mess (most of our mutual friends get that this woman is a whiner and like this)... it's just annoying and frustrating. I did "go off" on her when she brought it up on a facebook status of mine where I was counting down. I explained for all to see the extent of the plans for the two days she's whining about. That's when she posted on her facebook about dealing with a vacation nazi. *facepalm* I try NOT to feed into facebook drama, but yikes.

For now I'm just trying to let it go. If she starts it up while we're touring together the plan is that we'll just tell them we're going to break off and that it's not negotiable. My parents have talked to both of them, but "momma rules the roost" so I'm not sure her hubby will reign her in. My mom emailed her a few days ago expressing her concern that they were not happy with the plans, but that we were not going to be able to change anything. That it's unfair to heap it all on me since I have been under enough stress. We haven't heard a peep since that email went out yesterday... we'll see what drama comes in the next 33 days... (after that I'm definitely on vacation and no whining is allowed on vacay).


ETA: This is not the only issue with the trip when it comes to this woman. She does not want her granddaughter (my friend's daughter) to go on anything she deems too scary (for full disclosure, if you couldn't guess we're going to Florida and spending all of our time at Disney, they will be doing other things as well as Disney). Her daughter (the child's mother) has said that the child will go and do whatever she [my friend] deems appropriate. It's a power struggle with them as to who really gets to raise this child. So the whiny overbearing woman has now tried to put ME in the middle. I think this may be WHY she's suddenly gotten so pissy, because I took my friend's side and said I was not going to get in the middle. That bickering will only ruin it for everyone.

 

[bebevia]

Ah. That's a very awkward situation; also hard to snap at, because she did want to get to know and spend a good time with your family, too.

I suggest you let it pass and reply, "Well... it's too bad our plans don't line up as much as hoped. I'm sure you have a good plan for your self as well, so don't give up on that. However, if you happen to pass by one of our courses, let us know; we can meet up on a dinner or something!"

I don't know; that's how I usually do, because when I am excited or angered, it reflects HARD on my physical symptoms; I try hard to control for my health's sake. I digress-

Don't bother yourself too much; it should be all about you and your family, not her All she needs is your explanation; try to hint your idea on FAMILY plan and reply as if she KNOWS that already, which she may follow along to not embarrass herself (she can reply "of course we have our own, and I was thinking the same thing on the dinner meet-up too!). Guide her response instead of following her peer influence! (edited: should be easy even if senses don't come to her, if your peers including your friend know that already; nothing to prove anyways.)

But all in all, I wish you a happy vacation. With all the planning and considerations you put in, you deserve a good one

 

[show 42]

What I would do is to tell her it's too hectic to coordinate travel plans, so let's plan on doing something as families when we all get back? Let's them know that you are still interested in get-togethers, just not on a family trip.

 

[Tonichelle]

Literally our touring for the two days is as follows:

10/10:
Wake up ~8am
Breakfast in hotel room
Animal Kingdom opens 9am
lunch wherever/whenever
4:30pm head to EPCOT
5:45 dinner at San Angel Inn (with friends mentioned above)

Oooo, soooooo scheduled, eh?
10/11 (our final day)
8:30am Chef Mickey's Breakfast
Rest of the day in Magic Kingdom
7:00pm park closes (booooooo)
8pm Fantasia Gardens for Mini Golf...

She doesn't like that we're planning to do a breakfast (too bad, lady, we're doing it) because SHE doesn't want to pay the price of a meal there (again, too bad).

These are the most open days that we have, so touring with them is not a problem. I really don't get why she's got this idea that it's a bad touring plan to the point she needs to make a fuss. But I'm done with it LOL if this is all too much structure for her then I don't know what to tell her other than what I already have. But if she does give me any more messages of grief I'll just tell her we'll see her at San Angel and have to think about doing a trip some other time where we tour together...

 

[Scrufflet]

A lot of good advice here. Since reading this thread, I've realized that I've encountered quite a few people like this. Once I started thinking of them as bratty 2 year olds who need to be told NO, then I felt much better about it and could stop them in their tracks. I've also learned that these people-who-know-no-boundaries have gotten away with this behavior all their lives because no one has stopped them. I'm sure your community will be thanking you privately for this.
Dee and Olympia are right.
And if the Facebook thing comes up. "I wouldn't know about it because it's gossip and I do not gossip about friends. And I hope you won't pass such gossip on as it is hurtful and meaningless". Should put a stop to it.
And good on your parents for putting her in her place and defending you.
Bottom line: your holiday is about YOU so don't let anybody alter or ruin it for you. HAVE FUN and come back and tell us all about it!

 

[dorispulaski]

BTW, I hope in spite of this woman's drama, you have a GREAT holiday with your family!!

 

[Olympia]

One thing I've come to suspect about people like this: They have a kind of reverse charisma. You know that they say that when you meet a charismatic person, he or she can make you feel you're the only person in the room? Well, some kinds of "social bullies" also make you feel like that. They make you feel that they're focusing all their attention on you and will do so forever after--you're stuck with their attention and whatever grudge they will hold against you.

But really, a person like this is like this because she has a lifetime of practice. You're just another fish in the sea to her. Her backwash is littered with broken or soured relationships. Everyone disappoints her. So in a few months, or a few weeks, or even simultaneously with you, she'll be moving in on someone else and either chomping that person down whole (complaining all the way) or taking offense at the person's rejection. If you can keep that in mind, you might be able to proceed with a less troubled spirit. Try not to see yourself from this person's eyes.

And you're going to Disney? Then it's even more important that you have the vacation you and your family choose to have. I know how much Disney means to you, and I also remember that the last trip you took to a Disney location, you spent most of the time sick. This is your do-over! Enjoy every minute of it.

 

[Tonichelle]

And you're going to Disney? Then it's even more important that you have the vacation you and your family choose to have. I know how much Disney means to you, and I also remember that the last trip you took to a Disney location, you spent most of the time sick. This is your do-over! Enjoy every minute of it.

Yeah the last Disneyland trip was a bust for me - other than I had a good time with my niece despite the illness. I am no doubt going to have a good time (if dad doesn't kill me first putting me all on the rides that make me hurl! ugh! LOL) I've been looking forward to getting back to Disney World for over a year. There's no stopping me now!

 

[backspin]

Answer: *shrug*. "you asked me where our family will be; that's where we'll be. You're welcome to join us for some of it if you want."

Also, i would highly dicourage you from suggesting a joint vacation together in the future, unless you really want that! Vacations are precious, & too rare to be wasted w someone who makes you not enjoy it.