Kaitlin Hawayek on IG: It is not your place to discuss a skater's body

[noskates]

I've always enjoyed watching Hawayek and Baker as figure skaters and performers but now am equally impressed with Kaitlyn as a person. It took guts to put her message online like this and I only hope that whoever the insensitive person who made that comment to her sees it,

 

[MiraiFan]

So glad she posted this--mad respect for her courage. Cannot believe that these comments are considered appropriate by anyone. She is a fantastic skater and she and her partners are artists on the ice--fans need to focus on the skating. Period. My personal experience with the adult skating world has been quite the opposite, luckily.

 

[moonvine]

So glad she posted this--mad respect for her courage. Cannot believe that these comments are considered appropriate by anyone. She is a fantastic skater and she and her partners are artists on the ice--fans need to focus on the skating. Period. My personal experience with the adult skating world has been quite the opposite, luckily.

There are no overweight elite skaters. I just can't even. But even someone on this board called Gracie "ponderous". What's next - "elephantine?" I personally think we need to be as careful with our speech online as we should be with our speech offline. You never know who is reading this. It could be - and sometimes is - someone's mom or other family member.

 

[Weathergal]

Ah… it’s not just athletes! No, it’s not okay to give unsolicited personal advice or ask private questions. That obsession with small talk and expectations that it excuses everything is an absolute nightmare in terms of good manners. I wish they taught etiquette and acceptable social behaviour because extreme ‘casualness’ is getting insane. Boundaries and private are there for a reason.

As others have related here, it is hurtful in general when someone does this.

When I was pregnant with my son, my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law threw me a family baby shower and even invited my mother from across the state. I was having a nice time, when one of my husband's aunts (who I had always liked but didn't know very well) pulled me aside and made a snide comment about my breast size then said not too quietly "Where do you find bras that fit?" I was so taken aback. I was already self conscious about that part of my anatomy while pregnant and was at least 7 months pregnant at that point. Both my sisters-in-law heard her and were also shocked and uncomfortable. I just looked at her for a moment while trying to compose myself and then said something to the effect of "I don't want to discuss this - please. My mother's in the next room." Much as I was uncomfortable, I didn't want my mom (who had driven five hours to be there no less) to feel that way. I tried not to let it ruin my time, but it was pretty awkward.

When something like that happens, it's hard not to think "Gosh is everyone thinking this, etc.?" even though hopefully at least part of you knows that's not true. As someone else stated, no one should be policing other people's bodies. Unless you're that person's doctor or something of that nature, keep your judgments and assumptions to yourself.

And I think it must be magnified for someone like a figure skater (or dancer as mrrice mentioned) who's already even more body conscious since their body is their tool to do what they do, and they're already under so much scrutiny.

 

[Kitt]

On the day where she wins the free dance, Kaitlyn has to put up with this!!! I am enraged!

But how she put her thoughts together on this was truly inspiring and I hope it helps younger skaters who might be exposed to idiots.

 

[el henry]

Ah… it’s not just athletes! No, it’s not okay to give unsolicited personal advice or ask private questions. That obsession with small talk and expectations that it excuses everything is an absolute nightmare in terms of good manners. I wish they taught etiquette and acceptable social behaviour because extreme ‘casualness’ is getting insane. Boundaries and private are there for a reason.

I'm afraid this fool's action has little to do with "small talk" or asking private questions and everything to do with hurting Kaitlin.

Judging from how Kaitlin described her actions (and I would sadly bet money this is a fellow woman of a certain age): She pulled her over, she whispered, "My dear let me tell you a secret"

I would bet, luckily not knowing this person and not wanting to, that she prides herself on following all the best behavior, scorns casualness of any nature, and knew damn well what boundaries she was violating.

Polite small talk is there, in fact, to prevent exactly this outrage.

 

[lariko]

I'm afraid this fool's action has little to do with "small talk" or asking private questions and everything to do with hurting Kaitlin.

Judging from how Kaitlin described her actions (and I would sadly bet money this is a fellow woman of a certain age): She pulled her over, she whispered, "My dear let me tell you a secret"

I would bet, luckily not knowing this person and not wanting to, that she prides herself on following all the best behavior, scorns casualness of any nature, and knew damn well what boundaries she was violating.

Polite small talk is there, in fact, to prevent exactly this outrage.

No it’s not. People use small talk to drill into personal matters, no matter how much you signal that you are not interested in discussing the topic. Having been on the receiving end of the ‘small talk’, I can’t believe how tactless people allow themselves to be. I won’t put it past this person thinking they are just chatting and being ‘nice’. Personal questions should not be asked of strangers. There are appropriate topics, and they include professional sphere and generalities. Not digging into personal stuff. Period.

 

[el henry]

No it’s not. People use small talk to drill into personal matters, no matter how much you signal that you are not interested in discussing the topic. Having been on the receiving end of the ‘small talk’, I can’t believe how tactless people allow themselves to be. I won’t put it past this person thinking they are just chatting and being ‘nice’. Personal questions should not be asked of strangers. There are appropriate topics, and they include professional sphere and generalities. Not digging into personal stuff. Period.

We will agree to disagree. We agree that asking people questions they don't want to answer is indeed tactless.

This person, IMO, knew darn well they were being tactless. Whispering? "Let me tell you a secret"? By my estimation, this woman prides herself on tact, would never ever ask a stranger so much as "what's your favorite color".

Which makes it even worse

 

[el henry]

And another cautionary post from Amber Glenn, in response to Kaitlin, about discussing young skater's bodies.

 

[sworddance21]

Sadly, this happens in dance as well. Even when I was dancing professionally. I had more than one choreographer tell me.....For such a big guy, you have really nice leaps. Another said "Wow, you're really great, you're the Heaviest dancer I've ever hired." I did NOT take it as a compliment. These athletes are already hyper conscious about how they look. For dancers, we trained hours a day staring into a mirror. Trust me, we KNOW how we look. Imagine a complete stranger telling you, you look better in person. They always say "The Camera adds 10 pounds" I remember seeing Tonya Harding and Kristi Yamaguchi in 1991 and could not believe how tiny they were. I'm sure that Kristi didn't way 100lbs, and was about 5ft tall. Tonya, who always appeared very athletic, especially her legs, was maybe 105lbs and not much taller than Kristi. Why not just tell these skaters, "I love your skating, could I take a picture, please" When people are polite, it's nice to hear good things. These athletes spend YEARS in a freezing rink and between the short and long programs, they spend about 10 minutes at an event smiling and doing their absolute best. Flowers, or a stuffed animal can go a long way. Having an event program is also a nice way to ask for an autograph.

I think it is rampant in all the "aesthetic" sports. Figure Skating, Dance, Gymnastics. As a professional dancer I was told at one point that I couldn't be hired because 'we are keeping our dancers under 120 lbs". I was 5'7" 142 pounds and 14% body fat. And yes - boy, howdy - do we know what we look like! Now, at almost 60 years old and no longer with my dancer's body, I look at photos of myself when I was told 'you're a big girl for a dancer" and thought I was fat and I WISH I could have seen myself as a really was. Health and gorgeous with an incredible body.

 

[Ic3Rabbit]

Quoting from Kaitlin's video: "... As a young athlete I didn't have the knowledge that I do now to know how to deal with those comments in a healthy way, and it led to many years of many different ends of the spectrum of an eating disorder. And that's something that, although the eating disorder behaviors have left me, there are still so many things that carry along with athletes post having an eating disorder ... "

That sounds like a pretty clear statement that she did struggle with an ED. Regardless, what an important and articulate message she shared! Such an impressive woman, person, athlete to highlight these ongoing situations/comments/unhealthy environments that athletes are often subjected to. I just can't even - for someone to ask for a photo, then say such a cruel, stupid thing under the guise of a well-intended "secret." Enraging.

Then we'll just have to agree to disagree on the interpretation of what she meant.

 

[theblade]

My kid is training at a top facility as we speak. The family genes are not lithe here. When I grew up skating and dancing, due to "peasant stock" genes, I never didn't have a belly, despite extensive training. We also didn't have as much general public knowledge about eating healthy (ie. grain-based carbs are not processed well in our family - think I read somewhere that Madison Chock eschews them for other food choices).

We stress the important of eating for energy calories, eating more from certain food groups and less from others, eating organically, and what we eat at which time of day. We don't eat out much, cook from scratch, bake stuff a few times a week, and try to maintain a balance. Because realistically, one still needs to maintain an athletic build - muscle, strength, and weight. Figure skating is still a sport. While our family isn't Megan Duhamel-level, we make a communal effort. We still have organic chips and cookies on occasion, but hey, we're human.

Oh, and my kid grew in the past year - from youthful to young adult. At the rink, comments about height/weight ration still happen. We address this topic head-on at home, and laugh about the "lookism" at the rink, because it happens regardless. Our family and our skater has to develop mechanisms for dealing with these things in life. There is one competitor at the rink who is tall and thin and wears clothes to accentuate this; my kid just shrugs and keeps going, focused on their training. It helps that my kid measures their worth in hard work and long-term goals; I stress this everyday. Because we age and no one escapes that. So in our family, our spirits are so much greater than our skin suits.

 

[el henry]

Yes, the "fan" was clearly out of line with her toxic whispering. yes, these young skaters are dealing with a huge amount of pressure (that comes with their profession) and as much as the rewards are great.. they do be come public property. "Fans" of every industry feel like it is okay to comment on hair, dress, weight.. why do you think tabloid news is so rampant?
Just as medical students who spend years learning the science of the body are now being asked to take classes in social skills.. skaters (dancers, gynmanasts) should be equipped from an early age to understand what will be thrust upon them.
It isn't going to stop and social media isn't going away.

Did you listen to the clip with Kaitlin?

She talks about just that: how well equipped she is do deal with this, and how she is speaking out for the younger skaters.

The rewards are *never* worth tolerating this nonsense. What we as fans can do is call out this shameful behavior.

 

[NoNameFace]

And another cautionary post from Amber Glenn, in response to Kaitlin, about discussing young skater's bodies.

...meanwhile me, in avid respect/admiration over every FS lady having strong, defined arms.
...
Some cases just can't be won for losing with certain people. The fact that Amber had this notion to FEAR a sleeveless dress/costume because of perception is beyond crazy for me. Yet here we are.

 

[Weathergal]

...meanwhile me, in avid respect/admiration over every FS lady having strong, defined arms.
...
Some cases just can't be won for losing with certain people. The fact that Amber had this notion to FEAR a sleeveless dress/costume because of perception is beyond crazy for me. Yet here we are.

I feel the same way -- I think she looks amazing in both costumes. I would never guess that she had those thoughts. It's another example of how you just don't always know how someone is feeling on the inside, that many of us are too hard on ourselves -- and that we all need support sometimes.

 

[CoyoteChris]

Amber Glenn commented on this story also. As Kaitlin says, telling a skater how good they look because they have lost weight can be just as harmful as telling them they need to lose weight.

Amber and KH are correct and I have had my own experiences with this issue, especially with a friend who Died at 40 due to anerexia. There is a big difference between me telling my best friend how well he is doing on his announced and touted weight loss program and a person telling an athlete who hasnt been close to them they are (now) looking good. Ouch. KH, you are a class act.

 

[CoyoteChris]

I feel the same way -- I think she looks amazing in both costumes. I would never guess that she had those thoughts. It's another example of how you just don't always know how someone is feeling on the inside, that many of us are too hard on ourselves -- and that we all need support sometimes.

Well said. I have a bazillion selfies with Amber over the years and I wouldnt, as a man of course, have guessed she would have had any self appearance issues, but I have learned over 73 years, apperance issues are very common no matter what one looks like. And have been for a long while. I wonder if its nature or nurture?
Coyote "not necessarily a slave to fashion" Chris

 

[CoyoteChris]

So glad she posted this--mad respect for her courage. Cannot believe that these comments are considered appropriate by anyone. She is a fantastic skater and she and her partners are artists on the ice--fans need to focus on the skating. Period. My personal experience with the adult skating world has been quite the opposite, luckily.

Sadly, since 2009 worlds, I have heard some pretty mean things from fans ...very serious fans.....about skaters saying things so loudly that other fans can hear...not just their friends.... one person called a certain lady skater a "mule kicker" cause of the way she jumped...another said a certain well loved lady ice dancer should "Sue her Embalmer"

I am trying to imagine a person who thinks they know enough to go tell a stranger athlete you should do this or not do that....maybe they are the same people that complain to the checkers at walmart.....I dont get it.

 

[macy]

the level of entitlement and audacity some people have really just stuns me. what NERVE someone has to approach a complete stranger, nonetheless an ELITE ATHLETE and OLYMPIAN, and tell them to lose weight??!!! i honestly don't have words. what is wrong with people? i truly hope she and Amber have the skills to cope with this healthily and move on from it. good for Kaitlin to speak out and share her experience. this is how change is made.

however, this only speaks to just how long of a way this sport has to go, and the world in general outside of figure skating. absolutely disgusting.

 

[apgold]

I see plenty of rude comments about skaters weight, especially female skaters all over social media. It's become normalized in the culture.

This person who told KH she should lose weight has a lot of nerve though, that is next level to say it directly to a skater.

I'm glad she spoke up and is creating a dialog. I don't think people will ever stop commenting on appearances but I hope this will make them think twice before opening their mouth at their next meet and greet.