Rant

[Ichatdelune]

Warning: as stated in the title, this is a rant. Please ignore if you don't want to read depressive, self-pitying stuff.

Hello lovely folks. Ichat is having a mess of a life. And since I have no people in real life to rant to I'm ranting on GS. Here goes.

You folks may have noticed that I haven't been posting in a while. While I have neither died nor quit watching figure skating, I have not been well. Physically I'm not sick (except for a pain in my neck which won't go away, been aching for a week now), but mentally I am very much drained. It's been expressed through my sleeping for more than 12 hours and still feeling tired, that's how I missed the whole of GP France. I have been skipping school just to sleep more and three subjects are one more missed lesson away from an automatic F for insufficient attendance. Which has got me arguing with my mom in the mornings, which is not fun. Yes, I've been a full adult for quite some time now and still live with my parents who wake me up in the morning. I'm not happy about that fact either.

When I'm not sleeping way too long, I'm always in a general mood of apathy. Everything feels like work, even watching figure skating. I still love my darling and my Team Korea skaters and others, but aside from maybe my darling I don't get a sense of excitement anymore. Not just figure skating, life in general. I don't have an appetite anymore, I just eat because the feeling of an empty stomach is not pleasant. And also because I have to eat to take my meds. They're probably the only reason I'm still functioning for tutoring and other stuff I got myself into.

I am still going to therapy, but while it helps it's not helping enough. I still hate myself in a lot of ways: I'm too fat, I still haven't managed to graduate from college, I don't have an ounce of talent, I'm full of envy and dissatisfaction only, I don't have a social life, so on and so forth. I feel like crying most of times but I only seem to manage to cry during therapy sessions, excepting the time when I was fired from a tutoring position and had to give back the tutoring fee which left me nearly broke. I'm also always anxious because I know I shouldn't be living like this. I should sleep less, eat more healthily, go to lessons and actually pay attention, write every day and produce good works (I'm an aspiring writer). But the thing is that I don't have the energy to do so because I'm so damn tired all the time. Maybe it's because the self-hate & self-pity cycle takes up way too much energy. I don't know, I've analyzed myself several times to no change whatsoever.

Last week I was looking at one of my meds, which the psychiatrist said was a type of sleeping pill, and I was for a moment seized with the urge to just cram the whole packet (more than 50 pills) down my throat. I didn't do so because I was worried it might fail and then things will get ugly, and when I looked up the brand it turned out that it wasn't a real sleeping pill but an anti-depressant with drowsiness as a side affect so it wouldn't have worked anyway. While I don't plan on dying soon I do want to die oftentimes, I'm just too much of a coward to actually commit.

I don't see the point in life anymore these days. I know life doesn't actually have a purpose and we're just all rolling a rock up Sisyphus's hill (a la Camus), but I can't stomach life without a reason to live. I thought my purpose in life was to create, but I can't write anymore. I've been stuck in a writer's block for more than two years now. And the longer it continues the more anxious I become that I'm losing my touch, that I'm falling behind. I tried to convince myself to quit the dream but my psyche won't listen. Which is another reason to hate myself.

Anyway, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this rant. I don't want to spread my negativity, that'll make me a terrible person. Maybe it's because I want pity and somebody to tell me that everything's going to be better from now on. But I won't believe that person anyway. I suck. I really should stop ranting and go watch GP China, I'm yet to catch up. Which is more work to do. Sigh.

 

[lileychristie]

Hi @Ichatdelune, I'm really really sorry to hear what you're going through right now.
When our Korean lessons stopped, I was hoping that nothing bad has happened to you, I'm devastated to hear that the truth is this. Thank you for sharing here, it must've taken a lot of courage and energy from you.

Please don't blame yourself for anything - it is not your fault that your body produces imbalanced chemicals which cause severe depression. And I heard from my friend who used to live many years in Korea that the societal pressure over there is insane. It's a really unfortunate combination that is outside your control. While I'm glad to hear that you have access to therapy and to a psychiatrist, it sounds like even the meds haven't helped much. Can your psychiatrist prescribe you a different drugs by any chance? Or adjust the dosage? Or even change psychiatrist if possible? And is there any mental health hotline or support group that you can access in Korea?

Also, you definitely have a talent: teaching Korean! I really enjoyed the 2 lessons that we had, you're always very patient and willing to answer even my stupidest question. If it helps your financial situation and maybe can give you a bit more purpose, how about we do paid Korean lessons? I'm definitely happy to pay you to teach me Korean! Although, if you think that will only make you feel like there's more work to do and worsen your depression, then no need to.

Sarah, I see you as my friend - if you feel comfortable talking to me, you can always reach out to me via DM, Telegram or Zoom call. Even if you just want to rant, I'm here to listen! Please reach out anytime. You're not a coward for not being able to commit, you're actually brave to choose to keep on living. And if you want to watch a GP or a Korean competition, perhaps we can set up a zoom meeting to watch together? Maybe watching skating together with someone makes it more enjoyable and feel less like work?

I've been missing you here in this forum, and I'm sure many others do as well. We're rooting for you @Ichatdelune

 

[gsk8]

@Ichatdelune, please contact your medical doctor and discuss what you are feeling.

Also, have you thought about joining our Christmas Card exchange?

 

[4everchan]

@Ichatdelune
I've been missing you. (and your sense of humour)
Please take good care of yourself.

 

[Diana Delafield]

Warning: as stated in the title, this is a rant. Please ignore if you don't want to read depressive, self-pitying stuff.

Hello lovely folks. Ichat is having a mess of a life. And since I have no people in real life to rant to I'm ranting on GS. Here goes.

You folks may have noticed that I haven't been posting in a while. While I have neither died nor quit watching figure skating, I have not been well. Physically I'm not sick (except for a pain in my neck which won't go away, been aching for a week now), but mentally I am very much drained. It's been expressed through my sleeping for more than 12 hours and still feeling tired, that's how I missed the whole of GP France. I have been skipping school just to sleep more and three subjects are one more missed lesson away from an automatic F for insufficient attendance. Which has got me arguing with my mom in the mornings, which is not fun. Yes, I've been a full adult for quite some time now and still live with my parents who wake me up in the morning. I'm not happy about that fact either.

When I'm not sleeping way too long, I'm always in a general mood of apathy. Everything feels like work, even watching figure skating. I still love my darling and my Team Korea skaters and others, but aside from maybe my darling I don't get a sense of excitement anymore. Not just figure skating, life in general. I don't have an appetite anymore, I just eat because the feeling of an empty stomach is not pleasant. And also because I have to eat to take my meds. They're probably the only reason I'm still functioning for tutoring and other stuff I got myself into.

I am still going to therapy, but while it helps it's not helping enough. I still hate myself in a lot of ways: I'm too fat, I still haven't managed to graduate from college, I don't have an ounce of talent, I'm full of envy and dissatisfaction only, I don't have a social life, so on and so forth. I feel like crying most of times but I only seem to manage to cry during therapy sessions, excepting the time when I was fired from a tutoring position and had to give back the tutoring fee which left me nearly broke. I'm also always anxious because I know I shouldn't be living like this. I should sleep less, eat more healthily, go to lessons and actually pay attention, write every day and produce good works (I'm an aspiring writer). But the thing is that I don't have the energy to do so because I'm so damn tired all the time. Maybe it's because the self-hate & self-pity cycle takes up way too much energy. I don't know, I've analyzed myself several times to no change whatsoever.

Last week I was looking at one of my meds, which the psychiatrist said was a type of sleeping pill, and I was for a moment seized with the urge to just cram the whole packet (more than 50 pills) down my throat. I didn't do so because I was worried it might fail and then things will get ugly, and when I looked up the brand it turned out that it wasn't a real sleeping pill but an anti-depressant with drowsiness as a side affect so it wouldn't have worked anyway. While I don't plan on dying soon I do want to die oftentimes, I'm just too much of a coward to actually commit.

I don't see the point in life anymore these days. I know life doesn't actually have a purpose and we're just all rolling a rock up Sisyphus's hill (a la Camus), but I can't stomach life without a reason to live. I thought my purpose in life was to create, but I can't write anymore. I've been stuck in a writer's block for more than two years now. And the longer it continues the more anxious I become that I'm losing my touch, that I'm falling behind. I tried to convince myself to quit the dream but my psyche won't listen. Which is another reason to hate myself.

Anyway, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this rant. I don't want to spread my negativity, that'll make me a terrible person. Maybe it's because I want pity and somebody to tell me that everything's going to be better from now on. But I won't believe that person anyway. I suck. I really should stop ranting and go watch GP China, I'm yet to catch up. Which is more work to do. Sigh.

But you do have real people in your life to rant to. Behind our made-up names, we're all real people and many of us have been through the same illness ourselves or know and love people who have. So rant away!

You do have talents that are quite admirable, just not the ones you're used to. You have courage, which is what it takes to admit you have a temporary problem and do something about it (anti-depressants do work, they just take a long time and may need tinkering to find the right one at the right dosage). You're clear-headed enough to realize the mess a suicide attempt can become (I sat beside a friend having her stomach pumped once and that is not something you want done to you or to put your parents through). You're seeing a therapist, as opposed to those people who deny they need one. And you certainly haven't lost your talent for writing, as your "rant" proves. You may have temporarily lost your inspiration to write the kinds of things you want to or used to write, but you still have the facility with words, the cogency and clarity of expression. You're like a skater who loses her jumps but still has the footwork and the musicality, so she changes course and tries solo dance. She's still a skater, just showing a different way of expressing her talent.

I'm starting to sound like my mother, who was a counselling psychologist. I guess I'm just saying, "Rant away. This is a safe place to do that, and with your friends worldwide there will always be someone in a time zone that's awake to share your thoughts!"

 

[elbkup]

Please know you are respected and admired everywhere these pages reach; we miss your wit and humor during competitions and your love and unwavering loyalty for your darling skaters. Rant as often as you wish; we who adore you are here to listen and understand. Your intellect is without question.. just take extra special care of the wee small child within.

 

[Flying Feijoa]

@Ichatdelune I wish you could have seen the big smile on my colleague's face when he found a post-it note in Korean on his bench Thank you for bringing joy to a lonely homesick stranger on another continent. By the way, don't feel bad about having to stop, that is already way more than I ever expected to be able to do!

It's been a pleasure getting to know you on these pages and through our lessons. I'm here for a chat if you need one. It certainly doesn't have to be about figure skating or Korean language (even beloved hobbies can do with a break now and then).

 

[TallyT]

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is an illness just as much as a physical one would be but coming with those awful feelings of guilt and inadequacy and that somehow the sufferer is at fault. You are not at fault.

And while writing can be a joy and comfort, I know all too well the awful, empty and yet clogged feeling when the words and ideas just refuse to come out, which make us feel even worse and more useless. Can I suggest, because it sometimes works for me, just small bits of writing, a description diary where you can go out, look at things and people (or imagine what we all look like in real life!) and describe them just for yourself? It's a low-pressure exercise (because even two or three phrases or sentences is better than feeling guilty over the nothing on the screen!)

In any case, do come here to rant, I know there are many folk here who see you as a valued friend and will listen without judgement. I hope the therapy (slow, small steps) helps too.

 

[Ic3Rabbit]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. You have always been a bright spot here on the forums and I always loved having you in the live threads during competition, you have made me smile and laugh many times, and I have missed you here.

Please take care of yourself and get any help you need. I am here to talk if you need.
Sending hugs.

 

[Ichatdelune]

Ichat dragged herself to school reading and re-reading your kind words both here and via PMs. I am infintely grateful for your support, and this has made me realize I missed you folks too. I'll try to join in the competition threads this week, love you all

 

[streams4dreams]

I am so sorry to hear you are unwell, and hope you do feel better soon. As others already said, you are talented! I so enjoyed learning Korean with you, and admired how you naturally structured a lesson plan on the fly to go at exactly the right speed for me. And now I find myself reading (slowly! more like deciphering ) any Korean writing I come across and whenever I figure something out, I always gratefully think of you as my teacher.

Please do let me know as well if you want to chat / hang out, I'd love to get to know you better. If you are comfortable sharing an address, I would also recommend the Christmas card exchange. I've done it the past couple of years and it's so exciting getting the cards in the mail with good wishes for the holiday season and the new year, a wonderful surprise almost every day for the next month or so. This year I even missed the card thread, but another member remembered I used to do this and reminded me to sign up, so you really are among friends here! lchat, fighting!!

 

[sworddance21]

I'm glad that you posted. Reaching out and letting others know you are suffering is a huge step. Your mental health IS health and it is important to attend to it. I don't know how old you are, but my 23 year old Kiddo still lives at home and hasn't graduated from college yet. The last few years have been a struggle for a lot of young folks. I'm not suggesting my Kiddo's journey is the same as yours - or that I can really "know" what you are dealing with. I AM suggesting that you aren't weird or broken or somehow bad. You are a valuable wonderful human who is going through a difficult season. Please try to reach out to your doctor or other mental health care provider and be honest about how you are feeling.

 

[iluvtodd]

 

[icewhite]

Wanted to talk about writing and the writer's blockage - I know that... I never understood people saying they had a complete blockage and couldn't write - like, how can you not write? You just write a sentence, and then the next one... even if it's terrible, you just write. I'm a rather fast writer and always used to be very "productive", even if the quality was often bad and I erased everything afterwards.
Then one day I got my blockage. It happened when an editor told me they liked my text and could imagine publishing it, but I only had just started the novel, and from everything they said I realized they thought the text would go into an entirely different direction than I intended it to go. They thought it was an action driven, kind of thriller/crime story, but my stories tend to seriously lack action...
So that's when I had this blockage and wasn't able to work on that text or any other text for quite a while anymore. I have never been able to go on with that specific novel although I cared about the characters.
Eventually I started writing again and have since written, but sometimes experienced blockages again.

But what that episode really showed me was the power of the inner censor. That's where blockages come from - we have not lost our inner life or fantasy or ability to write, we have just so powerfully internalized the fear of getting rejected, of not writing what other people expect us to, of not living up to the expectations, that we don't even dare to write a word. Everything we write seems wrong, so our subconsciousness tells us to better leave it be at all.

What has helped me in such situations now is to let it go a bit. Don't put myself under too much pressure. I often do, I think "I have to write this, I have to show I can do that, I cannot fail". Because writing is basically my job. Who am I if I don't write? What am I worth if I'm not productive. I also owe this to my parents, my grandparents, everyone who has given me money and support to study, to give me the opportunities that others don't have because they need to put all their time into a daytime job.

But that's a terrible approach for writing. It's really difficult to write with such thoughts in mind. My best and most productive writing comes when I don't have time for it at all. When I need to organize travelling, do the household, organize stuff of my son's life, do banking and insurance stuff... all at the same time, I really don't have time for writing! That's when my mind decides "now's a good time for writing!" The ideas and words are flowing.

Lol. Or not so lol. It can drive me crazy. But that's just the way it is. I have to find a balance somehow, but really, I haven't found a recipe. For me, writing at certain hours, at a real schedule, doesn't work. I need to be in the mood. When I'm in the mood I write page after page hardly without stopping, often into the middle of the night.

Can we force ourselves to be more loose? Not really. I just want to encourage you to not force your writing even more in order to show that you are "worth it". You are worth it, and the writing will come back with time, likely when you don't expect it (and don't want it to ).

I don't know what you write, of course different kinds of texts need different approaches. But ... don't try to write the perfect text. Just start with the first word that comes to you. An irrelevant word. And then go on. And go on. You can always erase. You can always change. You can start at some totally irrelavant subject and then your mind and feelings will take you where you want to be. Because eventually our mind always brings us to what is really important to us. And what is important to you will be felt by your readers.

Don't think this is not worth being written. Writing is a process pretty much like training. Even if you don't see where all of this is going, you just have to trust in the process. You go and train and one day, pop, it just works out. If you only force yourself for a result, you might get tighter and tighter and the tension will destroy you. Just do it, enjoy the process. Start with some words. Don't doubt yourself. I have seen so many terrible texts I would have liked to throw in the bin immediately that later became real books, re-worked, edited, put behind a cool cover, and people go like "have you read that"?

 

[CrazyKittenLady]

@Ichatdelune I am so sorry to read this and sincerely hope you are feeling better already!

Even from your posts here your talent for writing and languages is obvious. I've often been so impressed by the way your are able to express your ideas and opinions and by your dry humour. Don't give up on your dreams, even when it's hard sometimes.

Take all the time and help you need to get better, but I hope we can all have fun together again sometime in one of the competition threads. Sending at least some virtual kitten hugs in the meantime:

 

[TallyT]

Wanted to talk about writing and the writer's blockage - I know that... I never understood people saying they had a complete blockage and couldn't write - like, how can you not write? You just write a sentence, and then the next one... even if it's terrible, you just write. I'm a rather fast writer and always used to be very "productive", even if the quality was often bad and I erased everything afterwards.
Then one day I got my blockage. It happened when an editor told me they liked my text and could imagine publishing it, but I only had just started the novel, and from everything they said I realized they thought the text would go into an entirely different direction than I intended it to go. They thought it was an action driven, kind of thriller/crime story, but my stories tend to seriously lack action...
So that's when I had this blockage and wasn't able to work on that text or any other text for quite a while anymore. I have never been able to go on with that specific novel although I cared about the characters.
Eventually I started writing again and have since written, but sometimes experienced blockages again.

But what that episode really showed me was the power of the inner censor. That's where blockages come from - we have not lost our inner life or fantasy or ability to write, we have just so powerfully internalized the fear of getting rejected, of not writing what other people expect us to, of not living up to the expectations, that we don't even dare to write a word. Everything we write seems wrong, so our subconsciousness tells us to better leave it be at all.

What has helped me in such situations now is to let it go a bit. Don't put myself under too much pressure. I often do, I think "I have to write this, I have to show I can do that, I cannot fail". Because writing is basically my job. Who am I if I don't write? What am I worth if I'm not productive. I also owe this to my parents, my grandparents, everyone who has given me money and support to study, to give me the opportunities that others don't have because they need to put all their time into a daytime job.

But that's a terrible approach for writing. It's really difficult to write with such thoughts in mind. My best and most productive writing comes when I don't have time for it at all. When I need to organize travelling, do the household, organize stuff of my son's life, do banking and insurance stuff... all at the same time, I really don't have time for writing! That's when my mind decides "now's a good time for writing!" The ideas and words are flowing.

Lol. Or not so lol. It can drive me crazy. But that's just the way it is. I have to find a balance somehow, but really, I haven't found a recipe. For me, writing at certain hours, at a real schedule, doesn't work. I need to be in the mood. When I'm in the mood I write page after page hardly without stopping, often into the middle of the night.

Can we force ourselves to be more loose? Not really. I just want to encourage you to not force your writing even more in order to show that you are "worth it". You are worth it, and the writing will come back with time, likely when you don't expect it (and don't want it to ).

I don't know what you write, of course different kinds of texts need different approaches. But ... don't try to write the perfect text. Just start with the first word that comes to you. An irrelevant word. And then go on. And go on. You can always erase. You can always change. You can start at some totally irrelavant subject and then your mind and feelings will take you where you want to be. Because eventually our mind always brings us to what is really important to us. And what is important to you will be felt by your readers.

Don't think this is not worth being written. Writing is a process pretty much like training. Even if you don't see where all of this is going, you just have to trust in the process. You go and train and one day, pop, it just works out. If you only force yourself for a result, you might get tighter and tighter and the tension will destroy you. Just do it, enjoy the process. Start with some words. Don't doubt yourself. I have seen so many terrible texts I would have liked to throw in the bin immediately that later became real books, re-worked, edited, put behind a cool cover, and people go like "have you read that"?

Well said, and also remember that your work is probably a lot better than you think it is. We are so often our own worst critics as writers, and I have been amazed by the difference sometimes between what I think and what other people do.

From the posts you put up (they are writing! and often show a person's skill with the language) I see that your gift for words and language, emotion and humour, is strong.

 

[Minz]

@Ichatdelune things will get better, and you have taken the first steps.

We are all here for you.

 

[bartlebooth]

@Ichatdelune
I've read this thread just now, and I feel like sending you the biggest virtual transcontinental hug.
The path is sometimes hard and one can easily get lost, still it can get better and through all that wandering one at least connects with other travellers along the road.
Small recovery steps are important, keep taking care of your mental health. Art in any form can be a great consolation, too. If now it's only passive fruition, it may also inspire future projects.
Of course, whenever ranting on the internet gives you relief, go ahead, the forum is here to offer you support and sympathy.