The Dragon Ladies (Mommy Dearest)

[SkateFan4Life]

Now before I start this, let me state emphatically that I'm sure that 99 percent of the mothers whose kids participate in figure skating are wonderful ladies who thoroughly support their sons and daughters and who do so with grace and good sportsmanship. I salute all of them.

That being said, two really horrible skating-moms-from-heck stand out in my mind. One was Tonya Harding's mother, a dragon lady of the first order. This woman was known to scream, berate, and occasionally hit her daughter during and after practice sessions. If Tonya fell or "didn't try hard enough", out came the verbal abuse and/or slaps on the face. I distinctly remember seeing a video made of a 15-year-old Tonya who finished a very credible 6th at her first US senior nationals. She was filmed on the phone with her mother, and from the conversation, it was obvious that Mrs. H. was giving her daughter the business for missing one jump and for "failing" to reach the podium. After Tonya got off the phone with mom, she said, "What a b-----." Ugh.

Mrs. H. had a truck tire-size chip on her shoulder. She constantly griped and moaned that the USFSA was against her and her daughter. Well, OK, Tonya didn't exactly fit the mold of cutsey-pie skating queen, but she did win the 1991 US title, so the USFSA was more than willing to properly award her for her skating efforts.

Another dragon lady skating mom was Tiffany Chin's mother. At the 1986 Worlds, Tiffany won her second World bronze medal. Instead of congratulating her daughter for successfully winning another medal, Mrs. Chin berated her for falling and not winning the gold medal. Tiffany just sat there, speechless, on live television, as Mommy Dearest cut her down to size.

When I see or hear about episodes such as these, I really feel the urge to walk up to these women, shake them by the shoulders and give them a piece of my mind. On the other hand, they would probably turn around and punch the living daylights out of me.

 

[Glacierskater]

Skate Fan,

Now before I start this, let me state emphatically that I'm sure that 99 percent of the mothers whose kids participate in figure skating are wonderful ladies who thoroughly support their sons and daughters and who do so with grace and good sportsmanship. I salute all of them.

I think that the number of actual sane skate moms out there is much lower than this....kudos to your optimism though!

 

[Piel]

It is not just skate moms, it's cheerleading, show choir, softball, soccer, volleyball, you name it and there are parents involved that probably have no business being parents. I had a second grader in Brownies one year who did not like to speak up in a large group setting. We had about 35 girls and maybe 10 moms present. When the little girl wanted to answer a question she walked over to her mom and whispered the answer to her. The mother started screaming at her and told her if she ever did that agin she would leave her at the meeting by herself and never attend with her again. This past summer at day camp we were getting ready to go to the planetarium and I found a little one, also a second grader, in the corner under a chair curled up and crying. After coaxing her out she told me that she was afraid of the dark and scared to go to the planetarium. Her mother who is an attorney was planning to meet us there. When she found out about the little girl being afraid and crying she went nuts telling her it was totally inappropriate behavior to be frightened of the dark and to crawl into the corner. There is a time and place to discuss these things with a child but attacking them when they are so vulnerable and need comfort from someone they should be able to go to for comfort is cruelty and mental abuse IMO.

 

[euterpe]

There are mothers like this everywhere. I used to do community theater, and played Miss Hannigan, the mean orphanage lady, in three different productions of "Annie". As you know, "Annie" has a cast of young girls from 5 up. Some of these kids had mothers from hell, and the kids themselves were a problem because of it.

One girl was cast in two of the productions, and I rolled my eyes when I found out she was in the second one. This kid's mother actually told her specifically that she was to play with her hair, or do a little dance, or laugh when the kids were on stage so that she would stand out and be noticed. Of course this type of upstaging behavior is a no-no, and the director yelled at her for doing it. He told her if she did it again, she would be replaced. So at the first show, the girl behaved while on stage. The mother threw a hissy fit right in front of the entire cast because the girl didn't do as her mother instructed!

One of the Annies I worked with was a jewel, knew her lines and never ad libbed blocking (moves on the stage). Another one was just the opposite. During the show, at times I had to grab her and yell at her. I usually grabbed her long, big sweater, and this little monster would throw herself on the floor and make faces at me, even sometimes throwing in lines as if she was talking back (very out of character for Annie). The mother KNEW she was acting up but just praised her for being such a "natural".

In one production, the whole troupe of kids were a problem because of their ringleader, a girl who had a few lines that unfortunately, she did with me. She also happened to be the younger sister of the very good Annie, and I think her nose was very much out of joint because of that, and perhaps that was what motivated her to act up. I had scenes on stage with the whole group of kids where I was berating them, and they had some lines in reaction to what I was saying. The kids behaved great during rehearsals, but on the first night of production, they began a routine where they would cut me off mid-line. At times, I hardly got three words out of my mouth before they tromped on the line. What they didn't realize was that their lines were supposed to get laughs, but didn't, because they needed what I said to set up the laugh. So the scene lost its punch.

The director saw that the scene wasn't working, so he told the kids after the show they were spoiling their own scene and to stop jumping the lines. The mother of the ringleader and Annie said "She (meaning me) has enough lines. So what if they take some away".

Go figure.

Speaking of skating mothers, Tara Lipinski's mother was a piece of work. She would become incensed if she read even the slightest negative comments about Tara's skating in the press, and she counterattacked, berating the judges, the coaches and the other skaters loudly to the media. Tara was disappointed that her OGM didn't help her eclipse Michelle in popularity, but that was largely due to the negativity contributed by her own mother.

 

[Piel]

Euterpe how did you manage to hold your tongue around this mom (certainly not one of my strong suits, LOL)?

In Girl Scouts we have program aids (PA's) girls who have completed 6th grade and have taken special training who are allowed to help at events. At day camp this summer I had one who is now in the eigth grade. She was helping at the rhythmic gymnastics ribbon wand station. After the first day of camp her mother called to inform me that her daughter needed to work WITHOUT an adult at her station because she didn't feel comfortable being "watched". After explaining to her that we must always have adult supervision and why she was still upset that we were preventing her daughter from reaching her full potential. Of course most of the time we needed someone to watch after her to keep her at her station, keep her shoes on, and her undwear out of sight (I don't care that your daughter's thong and matching bra came from Victoria's Secret there is a reason it is called UNDER wear)!!!

 

[BronzeisGolden]

Tara was disappointed that her OGM didn't help her eclipse Michelle in popularity, but that was largely due to the negativity contributed by her own mother.

I agree. Tara always seemed like a sweet natured girl to me. She was definitely driven and very focused, but she never came across negatively in interviews to me. She was confident and unaffected. It was always her mother that seemed scorned or upset about something. Tara was the one skating...not Pat. Honestly, I could somewhat understand being upset about negative press coverage when it is focused on your child. I would want to shield and defend my child. Sometimes the best defense is supporting your child behind the scenes and providing them with a set of open arms...not an open mouth. But, I guess that all comes back around to the "pushy stage mom" thing. Sports and activities are supposed to be fun, but so many parents ruin it for their children because of their own personal agendas. That is why I really respect the Kwans, Kerrigans, Eldredges, Hugheses, etc. They let their children shine (and work through their own issues) with little or no unneccessary intervention, etc.

Also, I've heard quite a bit about Tiffany Chin's mom. That poor girl! She not only had to deal with the pressure of being a favorite on the world stage, but she also had to deal with the unforgiving eye (and mouth) of the person that should have been offering her unconditional support. I guess that just shows not everyone should have children.

 

[Ptichka]

Those stories actually remind me of a time a girl tricked me into believing she had a dragon mother. I was helping out with a high school production -- I came in for the last few days of rehearsals to do the costumes, since I have a large collection at home. When the kids were done rehearsing, I told them they couldn't go home yet, as they needed to try on the costumes. This one girl throws a fit, saying she must be excused immediately; when I tell her she has to wait her turn like everyone else, she says with tears in her eyes that her mother is already waiting for her outside. So, I am thinking may be this girl will be yelled at for making her mother wait, so I compromise and let her be the first one to be measured. Next day, I walk into the rehearsal to find that same girl yelling at her mother on the phone! I wasn't tricked by that act again... :\

 

[Ladskater]

Ahh... the "Skating moms." My dear mom used to have to endure sitting in the stands with these pushy "skating moms" while my brother and I blissfully skated around the rink. She avoided the gossip and "put downs" these venomous ladies liked to circulate - especially at competitions - and minded her own business. Not the nicest side of the skating world, but yes, it exists.

 

[lotusland]

If we make a list of how many of the elite (or near elite) have endured, shall we say, "over enthusiastic skating parents," just how long would that list be? Don't forget those with difficult dads ... they don't only go beserk in hockey!


Peggy Flemming, America's Sweetheart - had quite the involved mother.
Karen Magnussen, Canada's Sweetheart - skating mom & judge, wicked combo
Tiffany Chin - mother
Tonya Harding - mother (famous for saying: "Second is the first to lose.")
Tara Lipinski - mother


My memory isn't what it should be, haven't thought about these skaters in quite a while, but I can certainly think of a number of current, and up and coming, skaters that have families (sometimes grandparents, aunts and uncles get wayyyyy too involved too) that are "far too enthusiastic."

 

[euterpe]

AP McDonough has a mother who would match up with the other ogres. Poor AP! Her mom seems to have blighted her interest in skating.

 

[Ladskater]

If we make a list of how many of the elite (or near elite) have endured, shall we say, "over enthusiastic skating parents," just how long would that list be? Don't forget those with difficult dads ... they don't only go beserk in hockey!


Peggy Flemming, America's Sweetheart - had quite the involved mother.
Karen Magnussen, Canada's Sweetheart - skating mom & judge, wicked combo
Tiffany Chin - mother
Tonya Harding - mother (famous for saying: "Second is the first to lose.")
Tara Lipinski - mother


My memory isn't what it should be, haven't thought about these skaters in quite a while, but I can certainly think of a number of current, and up and coming, skaters that have families (sometimes grandparents, aunts and uncles get wayyyyy too involved too) that are "far too enthusiastic."

Here is an interesting article about Canada's other "Sweetheart" Barbara Ann Scott. The article goes on to say her mother and father "encouraged" her to skate. Barbara had other ideas!!!!

http://collections.ic.gc.ca/heirloom_series/volume5/198-199.htm

I think the star skating mother is Sureya Bonaly's mother!!! She is the "Queen" of skating moms. Must have been tough for Sureya.

 

[sk8tngcanuck]

Just testing....according to main page there are 10 replies in this thread, yet I only see 2 posts total.... lets see what happens now

 

[lotusland]

Loved the Barbara Ann article! Thanks Ladskater.

 

[SkateFan4Life]

Tara Lipinski's mother came across as a whiny, pathetic woman who literally gave up her life for her daughter's skating career. She attended every single one of Tara's practices! Excuse me, but that's not exactly what I call having a life. She gave up her life for her daughter, and Tara achieved the ultimate prize, Olympic gold, but where was the joy for Mrs. Lipinski? After the Olympics, when the US team was invited to the White House, it was Michelle Kwan, and not Tara Lipinski, who was chosen to present the team jacket to President Clinton. Mrs. Lipinski had a fit over that "snub" to her daughter. She wasn't intelligent enough to realize that, perhaps, the bad press that generated from her antics, and the attitude she and Tara showed by their dumping coaches when they (Tara) made mistakes in competitions, carried over and lingered well after Nagano.

Peggy Fleming's mother was a very strong-willed woman to controlled Peggy's career, long into her professional career. It was Mrs. Fleming who chose her daughter's costumes, music, etc., and she made many of the business decisions for her daughter after she turned pro.

 

[thisthingcalledlove]

I think the star skating mother is Sureya Bonaly's mother!!! She is the "Queen" of skating moms. Must have been tough for Sureya.

Suzanne Bonaly seemed scary to me. Of course, the skaters whose mom coached them (Denise Biellmann comes to mind) seems kinda scary to me, too...

 

[SkateFan4Life]

Suzanne Bonaly seemed scary to me. Of course, the skaters whose mom coached them (Denise Biellmann comes to mind) seems kinda scary to me, too...

Right you are about Suzanne Bonaly. She really rubbed people in the French Skating Federation the wrong way. One well-known French coach was quoted as saying that "she does not belong in the world of figure skating". Remember how she manufactured that ridiculous story about how Suraya was an orphan who lived on the remote island of Reunion and how Mrs. B. rescued her to France and gave her the chance to skate? Baloney.

 

[SkateFan4Life]

Skate Fan,
I think that the number of actual sane skate moms out there is much lower than this....kudos to your optimism though!

I try to take the high road, although admittedly, the high road is difficult to find at times. Figure skating is such an expensive sport, and the stakes are so high - if your little darling wins the Olympic gold medal, she becomes a celebrity for life, etc.! I am not a skating mom, so perhaps I'm sticking my neck out to even mention this - however, if I could give one piece of friendly advice to them, I would just say, "It's a sport, and the purpose of participating in it is to have fun.
Life as we know it will continue, whether or not your child wins medals. As long as your child enjoys the sport and is willing to participate and put the time in to justify your time and expense, then continue with it. If your child loses interest in the sport and doesn't want to invest his or her time in it, then why should you continue to invest your $$$ and time in it? Find another activity."

IMHO, of course.

 

[Summerkid]

Another sort of scary skating mom is the one holding the coach responsible for the child's lack of progress. Granted, if you don't connect well with the coach and aren't progressing, you should find another coach. I'm talking about the kid that skates once or twice a week (barely) and the parent doesn't understand why the kid can't land something like an axel or a double. It's hard to tell them that they need to skate more (parents will read "spend more money") but that's the way it is.

 

[SkateFan4Life]

Another sort of scary skating mom is the one holding the coach responsible for the child's lack of progress. Granted, if you don't connect well with the coach and aren't progressing, you should find another coach. I'm talking about the kid that skates once or twice a week (barely) and the parent doesn't understand why the kid can't land something like an axel or a double. It's hard to tell them that they need to skate more (parents will read "spend more money") but that's the way it is.

I agree with you. While the coach certainly has a lot of responsibility in his or her role of communicating clearly and positively and teaching their students the various moves, it is the skater who must practice those moves and learn those moves. If you play the piano for a half hour once a week, you'll never play in Carnegie Hall. Sorry - if you want to achieve greatness, or at least master a skill, you have to put in the time.

IMHO, our society has such a "fast food" mentality -- give it to me NOW -- that we sometimes forget that things just don't come along instantly. There's a natural progression in learning any skill. Granted, it's frustrating for all of us, but that's the nature of things.

Parents who switch coaches every time their child has a sub-par competition are really chasing after the moon, in my opinion. Every skater has a rotten competitive performance at least once in their career. The key is to learn the lesson from that sub-par competition and move on. Again, just my two cents.

 

[TwizzlerS]

Peggy Fleming wrote about her mother in her book, "The Long Program". It seems she felt she had to say something because of the stories out there about her mother. As I recall, there was one instance in the book where she was in the hotel room for Worlds reading the love letters from her boyfriend (who would become her husband) and her mother came in and ripped them up. Peggy said she got mad and skated very well at the competition because of it. She said her mother knew how to get her to do well. Seemed like a rationalization or jusitification for her mother's behavior either for herself or for the public or both.

On another note, Priscilla Hill's mother was known to slap her daughter in public if she didn't skate well.