Adult Skaters - Do you ever get fed up with the way people act about it?

[mercybuckets]

This isn't a technical question, but more venting and I guess looking for advice.

I'm an adult beginner (learning singles) who started figure skating when I was in university. I love it and I'm quite serious about it. I think I have realistic goals (testing, adult comps, etc) and I see myself skating for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, my family and friends think I'm completely crazy. I feel like I'm constantly being told to grow up or that I'm never going to make the Olympics (as if I'm not aware of that lol) or that I'm wasting my time and money and it's very frustrating. Skating is expensive and I'll admit that taking the bus to the rink at 5am before work is not the most fun but I love skating and I wouldn't want to give it up. I try to tell myself that I don't care what other people think but my friends don't understand why I won't blow off ice time to hang out with them and last week my stepmom told me that no one would want to date someone so busy with a hobby.

Does anyone else have this problem? I have no intentions of quitting skating and I know that my family and friends are coming from a place of caring about me (mostly) but it's just too much sometimes. Any advice?

 

[Arwen17]

I mean, my friends and family may think I'm crazy, but they don't have a problem with me skating, it's my life and my choice after all.
And they have seen how much I have improved over the past 4 years because I make progress videos to show it. They know I love it, because I never shut up about it. I talk about international skaters and competitions all the time.

I do find it hard to meet and make new adult friends since things like Zumba, Crossfit, yoga (where all "normal" adults go) are scheduled at the same time as my ballet and skating sessions. I'm not in a big city, so I'm the only skating adult in the rink. In a big city, it's possible to make friends with other adults who are serious about skating.

And I do find it extremely hard to date. I don't do hookup culture, so non-hookup guys really want you to spend a lot of time with them, and that just isn't possible with skating. So yeah, if you're planning to have a ton of friends, marry and have children, you're not going to find that easy to do if all your time is eaten up by skating.
The same thing happens with kid skaters. They get homeschooled, they don't have as many friends (outside of the rink). Their lives are consumed by skating as well.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, you have the right to decide what you want to do with your life. And you can change your mind at any time, if in the future you decide you're done with skating.

I think most criticism from other people is just that they are worried you'll miss your chance to get married and start a family and that you'll regret sacrificing that for skating in the long run. I worried about that too in my twenties, but I'm now in a place where I really don't care if I never have kids etc, so it's full steam ahead for skating and ballet. There's plenty of people in the world that dedicate their lives to other causes or activities, instead of having a family. Just make sure it's what you want to do and it'll be OK.

 

[karne]

It's simply become a non-negotiable in my life. My family knows that any "maybe you should stop" will be greeted with a flat "no." If the "maybe you should stop" comes after I hurt myself, the "no" might get elaborated to "the day my doctor says I need to will be the day I do, but not before".

If the friends don't get it, they're not worth having as friends. My actual friends respect it, and even make plans around it. (My BFF and I know all the best eating places around the rink.) Heck, even at work, I've had people saying, "So, you must be excited for the Olympics, right?" because it's known for being part of who I am. I even openly stated to my boss that the reason I was booking two weeks' leave was to watch the Olympics. (She reacted with glee and declared that was an awesome use of leave.)

It's hard initially. I'm an introvert, and I hate confrontation. But this is a moment to make it all about you. Does it make you happy? Does it fit nicely into your budget? And would you really want to date a guy who couldn't accept it as part of your life? Only you know the answer to those questions. And the answers should guide your actions.

As for your stepmum - well, stepmum, it's 2022. Young women are discovering all over the world that being single is actually pretty awesome and we don't have to settle for men who think their likes and dislikes should dictate what we do. If he can't accept skating, he's simply not worth being part of my life. It's that simple!

 

[Emily98]

If you love skating, definitely keep going for it and don't let other people's unnecessary opinions stop you! The great thing about being an adult skater is exactly that you are an ADULT, so you are free to choose your own priorities and to organize your time however you want. Your friends and family will just have to get used to it. Are there any other skaters around your age at your rink? Connecting with like-minded adults might cheer you up and help you feel less alone when the people close to you aren't supportive. There are also very welcoming online communities (e.g. Facebook groups) where adult skaters can make new friends, share progress and encourage each other.

I can definitely relate to the family problem, as my family is the only reason I did not become a competitive skater much earlier. It was a childhood dream for me, but my parents only let me skate recreationally and did not allow me to train seriously for various reasons (being overprotective and worried about injuries, refusing to adapt their schedules and spending habits, wanting me to focus solely on my studies, etc). I felt held back and frustrated for years; when I moved abroad a few months ago, one of the first things I did was find a coach and arrange regular ice time. I am now determined to chase my dream as far as I can and not let anyone mess with my training, even if that means missing out on a few social gatherings!

You might also find that your friends and family are a bit surprised and reluctant to accept your passion for skating now, but that they will get more on board as time goes on. In my case, my parents aren't aware of how much I really train (they don't need to know everything about my life after all!), but they know that I am skating regularly and actually enjoy seeing progress videos. A few years ago they were firmly against the idea of me competing, but they surprisingly reacted well when I told them I was planning to take part in adult competitions this year. Your loved ones' concern, as you said, mostly comes from a place of caring, so if they see that skating truly makes you happy and that you are getting good at it, they might start to become more supportive and proud of you for it.

About the dating thing, it is trickier to find time when you already have to balance skating and a job or studies, but I don't think it is impossible. You can find a partner who has some independence and uses the time that you can't spend together to pursue their own interests. For example, my boyfriend isn't really interested in skating, but he knows that my training time is important to me and respects it; in return, I don't mind him having time on his own to play tennis or football, and we both appreciate the mutual freedom. I do sometimes get an eyeroll from him when I use the whole living room space for my daily stretching and off-ice jumps, but that's about it!

 

[mskater93]

Find yourself some friends at the rink or off ice activities (gym, dance class, etc). They "get" it. Tell your stepmom to get over it. It's not her life. When the time is right, the right person will find your skating to be an amazing part of you.

I guess it's easier as someone who has been married for awhile (met my husband in college and used to drag him to public skate) and has been competing as an adult and has developed life long friendships with other skaters around the country and locally to say power through and don't give up.

 

[WednesdayMarch]

<points upwards>
What they said.

Also, have you considered fixing the offending person with a very hard stare and repeating, "Have I asked you?" every time they venture a disagreeable opinion...?

 

[Charlotte 71]

This isn't a technical question, but more venting and I guess looking for advice.

I'm an adult beginner (learning singles) who started figure skating when I was in university. I love it and I'm quite serious about it. I think I have realistic goals (testing, adult comps, etc) and I see myself skating for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, my family and friends think I'm completely crazy. I feel like I'm constantly being told to grow up or that I'm never going to make the Olympics (as if I'm not aware of that lol) or that I'm wasting my time and money and it's very frustrating. Skating is expensive and I'll admit that taking the bus to the rink at 5am before work is not the most fun but I love skating and I wouldn't want to give it up. I try to tell myself that I don't care what other people think but my friends don't understand why I won't blow off ice time to hang out with them and last week my stepmom told me that no one would want to date someone so busy with a hobby.

Does anyone else have this problem? I have no intentions of quitting skating and I know that my family and friends are coming from a place of caring about me (mostly) but it's just too much sometimes. Any advice?

Maybe you can tell your stepmom that the rink is a great place to meet nice people and you have your eye on an ice dancer who is independently wealthy and looks a little like [substitute name of movie star or athlete your stepmom likes], and you are thinking of asking him out for coffee.

 

[stayingonmytoes]

Life is short and you should do what makes you happy. As I've gotten older, its been easier to care less about what other people think, but I think that comes with time and practice (and I still find myself caring too much about other people's opinions from time to time).

That being said, I think life is also about balance, so just be sure you are still spending time with friends and family and not sacrificing your relationships with them for skating. If you're doing that, there's no reason you shouldn't continue to enjoy it! I disagree with your stepmother that someone wouldn't want to date someone busy with a hobby--I think the RIGHT kind of person would! Besides, people are super busy for plenty of other reasons (work, for example) yet maintain healthy relationships.

I do wish more people in your life were more supportive. Have any of your friends or family seen you skate? Maybe if they could see how much joy it brings you, they'd be more accepting. Or you could try what one of my friends did and rope them into skating with you!

 

[mercybuckets]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses.

I do think my mum is coming around. I was trying to explain to her why I was so upset and I super embarrassingly started crying (I'm one of those people who cries no matter what strong emotion I'm feeling, in this case frustration lmao). But I do think she has a better understanding of my perspective and how some of the stuff my family is saying is kind of hurtful.

There's a new adult learn to skate session starting at my rink soon so I'm hoping we'll get some more adult skaters. That's the biggest thing I miss about the rink at my university (I moved home when I graduated), where there was a bit more of an adult skating community. Also to the point about family not knowing how much time you're training, I think they were less aware when I was living in a different state but now that I'm much closer, they expect me to be free and come over all the time (a separate problem with boundaries haha) and because I'm often saying I can't because I'm skating, they freaked out a little.

I would say I have a pretty good work/life/skating balance. Honestly a little light on the skating imo but that's mostly because it's hard to find ice time that works with my work schedule. One of the things that's been so irritating to me about my friends complaining about skating is that the plans have all been last minute and I hate making last minute plans even when I'm not busy. So, then when they say stuff like, you're always busy skating, I want to say, maybe if you let me know you wanted to get together sooner than the day before, I'd be free more often.

This has all really made me think about why I started skating and how much I love it. I'm not exactly having a stereotypical young adulthood but I wouldn't want to and I'm really happy to be in a place where I feel like I can be myself and pursue the things that make me happy even if other people don't agree with them.

Thanks y'all!

 

[Ic3Rabbit]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses.

I do think my mum is coming around. I was trying to explain to her why I was so upset and I super embarrassingly started crying (I'm one of those people who cries no matter what strong emotion I'm feeling, in this case frustration lmao). But I do think she has a better understanding of my perspective and how some of the stuff my family is saying is kind of hurtful.

There's a new adult learn to skate session starting at my rink soon so I'm hoping we'll get some more adult skaters. That's the biggest thing I miss about the rink at my university (I moved home when I graduated), where there was a bit more of an adult skating community. Also to the point about family not knowing how much time you're training, I think they were less aware when I was living in a different state but now that I'm much closer, they expect me to be free and come over all the time (a separate problem with boundaries haha) and because I'm often saying I can't because I'm skating, they freaked out a little.

I would say I have a pretty good work/life/skating balance. Honestly a little light on the skating imo but that's mostly because it's hard to find ice time that works with my work schedule. One of the things that's been so irritating to me about my friends complaining about skating is that the plans have all been last minute and I hate making last minute plans even when I'm not busy. So, then when they say stuff like, you're always busy skating, I want to say, maybe if you let me know you wanted to get together sooner than the day before, I'd be free more often.

This has all really made me think about why I started skating and how much I love it. I'm not exactly having a stereotypical young adulthood but I wouldn't want to and I'm really happy to be in a place where I feel like I can be myself and pursue the things that make me happy even if other people don't agree with them.

Thanks y'all!

Take care of yourself and make yourself happy and everything else falls into place. If others can't accept that, then it's on their conscience, not yours and nothing you can do/change.

I'm so glad to hear that you love skating so much, please keep with it!

 

[Ducky]

One of the things that's been so irritating to me about my friends complaining about skating is that the plans have all been last minute and I hate making last minute plans even when I'm not busy. So, then when they say stuff like, you're always busy skating, I want to say, maybe if you let me know you wanted to get together sooner than the day before, I'd be free more often.

Ah, here's the crux. It sounds like skating is the excuse both you and your friends are using to avoid talking about your *perceived* lack of availability. Just tell them that you would love to get together more often but really do need to plan a few days ahead - and then offer to set up a plan.

Going from college to adult life means accepting that more people are going to be busy and that it's no longer possible to go get coffee/drinks/see a movie/chill etc at the drop of a bat and that often things need to be scheduled a week or two ahead of time.

 

[Kat12]

Have you ever tried telling them that your skating is not up for discussion? I know, easier said than done. But I have a few topics I've decided I will not discuss with certain people, period, and if they try to get too incendiary with it, I'll have to tell them that.

How much time are you spending? You mention going before work. I don't necessarily see this as so much time spent that you can't otherwise have a social life or relationship (I mean, unless getting up early means you go to bed at 7 p.m. or something).

I guess I'm lucky as well, in that it seems like there are a lot of adult skaters in my area. The rink where I used to take class had a lot of great adult skaters (most of whom didn't have kids so didn't have conflicts with their ice time), I see other adult skaters around my level at public sessions whom I could probably be social with if I wanted to, etc. So for me, "skating a lot" doesn't necessarily mean "making friends" is out of the running. But I have a feeling I'm lucky in this respect and that other areas have very few adult skaters, and if that's your case, it does mean it's harder to find friends through skating.

I understand the emphasis some parents-- and some people in general-- have on relationships. It's "what you do," etc. etc. Most people seem to prefer to be in a relationship to be happy, etc. etc. In our parents' day it was unheard-of to remain single-- especially if female--etc. etc. (Unfortunately, it seems it's common in human psychology for people to forget that not everyone has the same views, preferences, etc. as they do, and so they don't understand that their priorities are not necessarily someone else's priorities.) My mom was the same way about various things. I had to keep pointing out to her that I didn't want to have to change who I am to attract some guy-- that the kind of guy who didn't like me if I didn't dress or act a certain way wasn't the kind of guy I wanted to be involved with, or that if I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't in order to be in a relationship, I was not going to be very happy in that relationship.

 

[katie48]

This isn't a technical question, but more venting and I guess looking for advice.

I'm an adult beginner (learning singles) who started figure skating when I was in university. I love it and I'm quite serious about it. I think I have realistic goals (testing, adult comps, etc) and I see myself skating for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, my family and friends think I'm completely crazy. I feel like I'm constantly being told to grow up or that I'm never going to make the Olympics (as if I'm not aware of that lol) or that I'm wasting my time and money and it's very frustrating. Skating is expensive and I'll admit that taking the bus to the rink at 5am before work is not the most fun but I love skating and I wouldn't want to give it up. I try to tell myself that I don't care what other people think but my friends don't understand why I won't blow off ice time to hang out with them and last week my stepmom told me that no one would want to date someone so busy with a hobby.

Does anyone else have this problem? I have no intentions of quitting skating and I know that my family and friends are coming from a place of caring about me (mostly) but it's just too much sometimes. Any advice?

Don't listen to the nay sayers, if this is what you really want. I skated as a child and stopped when I was in high school. I started again in University, stopped and didn't start again until I was 40 years old. I skated almost every day, at my local Skating Club until I had a stroke and now I am going to go back and start from the beginning so that I can get my skills back. I miss it so much, I will put on a hockey helmet and skate with the little kids, until I feel comfortable to start my dances again. I am 74 and won't stop because it is what I want. Your friends, hopefully will admire your courage and determination to be your own person. Good luck and have fun.

 

[MiraiFan]

Wow--I started back in my forties and never cared what people thought. It's actually quite the opposite--friends are amazed that I am doing a new sport and enjoying it. Luckily we have a really nice, supportive community of adult skaters here.