anyone on here have a cottage, cabin or condo?

[Johar]

If you do does your family get into bad arguments over who gets the use the place and when?

We own a cottage up in northern Michigan. I's a 7-8 hour car ride away. This year my cousins got to use it for two weeks, starting around June 28, so we weren't allowed to use our own cottage over July 4th. What happened was that when my grandfather died he made it in his will that they get the cottage every other year for ten years after his death. This is their last year. We have one set of cousins on the lake and another nearby, plus my aunt in her condo, yet they insisted on using our place. They made it clear that I was not to be up there during those two weeks.

Now my brother is going up with his new wife and his son. He also made it clear I am not to be up there that week.

I guess I am the spinster aunt nobody wants hanging around. Somehow I feel things would be different if I was married(I'm 35).

My brother got to spend over a week in Hawaii on his honeymoon. He also got to go to Philadelphia and NYC. I haven't been on any trips and I resent it. I am stuck back here taking care of my two elderly parents.

My cousin in his early 20s announced he wants to buy half of the cottage! Of course he will be another person dictating when I can or can't go up there. I hope he never buys it.

I guess right now I am bitter and tired. Wouldn't you be if you had no vacation plans but everyone around you was taking a trip?

I am unable to drive or get a driver's license, so getting myself up there is out of the question. And I thought I was going up this coming Friday until I was told they wanted family time alone, as a family. I guess they don't want the spinster aunt tagging along.

Other people take vacations together. The people from my town who go next door to our cottage do this.

I can't wait to get out of this area and move close to Chicago. At least I will be able to get myself to an airport and fly somewhere for a vacation. The closest airport is 1 1/2 hours away, so no airport shuttle.

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[Aloft04]

It doesn't sound fair, but I'm confused. Whose name is on the deed? You said "We own a cottage..." but then refer to yourself as the "spinster aunt". If the title is held by you and your elderly parents you have every right to organize this better, and I think simple lack of organization is the problem. Now that the 10 year entitlement by the cousins has expired it may get simpler on its own if they are cognizant of that clause in the will.

My husband and I own a condo in Park City, Utah, that's in a rental pool when we aren't using it. At Christmas every year we send close friends and relatives that we want to 'treat' a calendar (made on the computer with photos of Park City) to mark if or when they want to use it (one week at a time - absolute maximum 2 weeks). We block off our own time first before sending it and then the rest are on a first come-first serve basis in getting their calendars to us. Last year my cousin forgot and then whined a lot. This year it was the first calendar in - having a "system" was what saved hard feelings, and life's wa-a-ay too short to be caught up in family brouhahas.

Good luck with this. It sounds like you are a very giving person and deserve a nice peaceful retreat!!

 

[kemy]

Are they stopping you from being able to do the same? You could just "reserve" it for two weeks as well and invite your friends.

 

[Glacierskater]

Spinster at 35? No, no....life is just beginning and getting good. We have gotten past the insecurities of teens, the craziness of 20's, and realize that we do not have to put up with things...like this for example.

I am curious, why can't you drive?

 

[Johar]

We means my family--mom and dad. When they die the ownership is passed over to my brother and I. But my parents have 100% ownership of the cottage.

This is the last year my cousins get the cottage but I know darn well my cousins are going to ask to use it next summer. And my parents will probably say "yes" to them.

If they don't use the cottage next year over the 4th my brother will probably want it at that time and will not permit me up there at the same time. He's like that.

Our cottage has 4 bedrooms and 7 beds, two full baths. So it's not like we would be on top of eachother in there.

 

[PrincessLeppard]

If you want the cabin over the 4th next year, tell your parents NOW. I like the calender idea, and since you live with the people who own the cabin, they should be able to pick their dates, then you, then your brother. The cousins, if your parents want to give them the cottage to use, get to choose dates after that. And when you go, take friends and tell everyone else you want time with your friends and they need to stay home.

As someone who is single and 35, I don't like "spinster." Sure, everyone wonders why I'm not married, but to heck with them. This is a choice I made.

And unless you are physically unable, go get a driver's license! You will see your freedom vastly increased.

Laura

 

[euterpe]

You need to discuss the use of the cottage with your parents, because obviously you are being left out of consideration. You have just as much right to use the cottage as your brother does. He certainly doesn't need to have the use of all 4 bedrooms if there are just 3 in his family.

If you are the one taking care of your parents, you have every right to stick up for yourself---you have needs, too. Discuss this with your parents now, before this summer is over. You have a better claim on time in the cottage than your cousins do. If you want to go there for July 4th, say so. Insist on having a block of time set for you to enjoy it.

Good luck.

 

[Longhornliz]

My family and my cousins family used to share a beach house in Gulf Shores AL... we would plan it so that all of us were up there for one week, and that we were there with just our own families for 2 other weeks. It was nice because we got to all come together, but we also go to have bonding time with just our immediate families. But once me and the cousins got to be 13 or so, we stopped wanting to go as much and we ended up selling the property. I miss it, it was so nice you could walk from the wrap around porch right out onto the beach.

 

[RealtorGal]

You need to assert yourself NOW. WRITE each of these miserable, selfish people a LETTER indicating when you WILL be using the cottage next year. Do NOT ask their permission. Make it clear that you will be bringing friends. Tell them if anyone has a problem with that, you intend to be there REGARDLESS. They will have to physically lock you out (make sure they can't change the lock!) at that time so they had best make other plans. Then DO IT.

 

[Lucy25]

As someone who is single and 35, I don't like "spinster." Sure, everyone wonders why I'm not married, but to heck with them. This is a choice I made.

Same here! I turn 35 (gulp!) in four weeks, and I am not married. I will NEVER be a spinster!

I agree with everyone else, no matter how difficult it may be, assert your self and demand to be treated equally and fairly.

(By the way, I just got back from a stay in a cottage in northern Michigan!)

 

[Johar]

Really? What towns? We have a place by Harbor Springs and Petoskey.

I personally don't think of anyone as a spinster, but I use that term going by their mentality. They probably think of me as the kooky plain-looking relative who seldom gets a date and isn't married.

 

[Glacierskater]

If you want the cabin over the 4th next year, tell your parents NOW. I like the calender idea, and since you live with the people who own the cabin, they should be able to pick their dates, then you, then your brother. The cousins, if your parents want to give them the cottage to use, get to choose dates after that. And when you go, take friends and tell everyone else you want time with your friends and they need to stay home.

As someone who is single and 35, I don't like "spinster." Sure, everyone wonders why I'm not married, but to heck with them. This is a choice I made.

And unless you are physically unable, go get a driver's license! You will see your freedom vastly increased.

Laura

Spinster, no....LIBERATION, YES!!!

 

[Glacierskater]

You need to assert yourself NOW. WRITE each of these miserable, selfish people a LETTER indicating when you WILL be using the cottage next year. Do NOT ask their permission. Make it clear that you will be bringing friends. Tell them if anyone has a problem with that, you intend to be there REGARDLESS. They will have to physically lock you out (make sure they can't change the lock!) at that time so they had best make other plans. Then DO IT.

Especially if the ownership is to your parents...sounds to me like your cousins are taking advantage...maybe you could talk to your parents and ask them to assert their right of ownership and stick up for their daughter. And why not get some friends together and plan your 4th for next year? And doing it now, will give everyone time enough to get 'ova themselves. Sounds like everyone has had the chance to enjoy the cottage, except you. And don't be hard on yourself. There are enough people in the world for that...take care of you, and love yourself!

 

[diver chick]

I find this really hard to understand!

My parents own a holiday home that they use extensively. My boyfriend and I were welcome to use it last year *but* when my parents were not and they did not sway from this. We had to pick a week of the year that they were not going to be there. The same goes for anyone else who wants to use it. They are more than happy to allow friends and family use it but you fit in around their schedule and suit them. This is the way it should be - it is after all their holiday home and I have no right to throw a fit if I can't use it whenever I want.

If any of us started fighting or arguing over who gets to use it my parents very quickly step in and remind everyone who actually owns the place and who gets to use it

Works for us.

 

[Johar]

What's hard to understand? I just want a vacation and keep hearing "No," even if I flew up on my own and took a taxi to the cottage on my own. But my brother and just about everyone else can come and go as they please. My brother was going to go up for 4 days in mid July and didn't even have to get permission. The only reason he didn't was because another cousin, from CA, decided to stay out at our cottage an extra week.

My cousins telling us (remember they don't own the place) we are not to be there at all when they are up there was a bit overboard. Many times they have left the place a mess--they once stored damp towel away. Yuck.

Another time one of them tried to flush a pad down the toilet. Messed up the entire sewer line on the road from our place on down and the sewage department had to dig up the pipes, road, etc. We got the bill and it cost $$$ to pay.

My parents know I am a responsible adult but I think they just want me to stay here and take care of them. They figured since I'm not married or dating my opinion doesn't count as much and it should be my duty.

We used to use the calendar method but that changed a few years ago when jobs changed and my sister was still alive. Sister and I used to go up together alot--summer and fall. She didn't have to ask permission.

Then she died, then mom and dad started getting bad--good one week and sick the next, so we couldn't plan on them travelling on a marked calendar date.

Yesterday evening my dad talked about getting a charter flight with some friends. Now if my mom is so sick that she has had to miss multiple doctor and dentist visits, that means she will probably be too sick to travel. And I will have to stay here to take care of her while dad and his friends fly up to the cottage. She can't even bend over or fix meals for herself.

No way could I leave her alone!

Our cottage is my favorite place in the world and I've been a caregiver to my parents for the past year. I really need a break, as do all caregivers. My brother has no ideal how tiring it is.

 

[chuckm]

Then TELL your brother how hard it is! You are letting your family walk all over you with high-heeled shoes.

You need a break, and you deserve it. SAY SO!

 

[Lucy25]

Really? What towns? We have a place by Harbor Springs and Petoskey.

I stayed in a cabin on Carp Lake (also called Paradise Lake). It is about 10 minutes from Mackinac City.

 

[guinevere]

This is going to sound really harsh, but please know it's just from seeing things from an outside position, with no emotional ties to anyone involved.

Aside from the problems you are encountering with the use of the house now, I think you should speak to your parents about who will inherit the house when they are gone. It sounds to me like you are totally responsible for their care (and that they, or at least your mother, are/is very ill), and that is one reason that you are unable to enjoy the house now, even when you aren't totally banned from it by your cousins and brother (a big to them and their lack of manners, BTW). It is extremely hard to have this kind of conversation, but you should make sure your parents know that you are very aware of the inequity, and that you want to make sure the house will be available to you later on. Personally, I think you should get the house outright, but of course I don't know all the details).

The other thing I would suggest you discuss with your parents NOW is your cousins intent to buy half the house. Your parents need to know that you oppose this (at least, that's what I'm infering by your post). If they do sell your cousing half the house, I fear that you will never get out of the cycle you're in.

My mother is the sole caregiver for her elderly parents - and she is the child who lives farthest away from them! - so I do see firsthand how hard it can be to take on such a burden. Please remember to take care of yourself and don't let your family members tell you what you can and cannot do.

Good luck.

guinevere

 

[marymotormouth]

Johar-

I am sure your position is very tough. I agree with others here. It is time to stand up for yourself and demand that you be counted as an equal to your brother. Marital status and sex have nothing to do with equality. You need to have a conversation with your parents AND your brother. You need to make it perfectly clear you will be using the cottage next year, give them the dates, and tell your brother he needs to make arrangements for caring for your parents during those times. You also need to express that you in no way are interested in having your inheritance to the cottage sold.

I have had a couple of tough conversations with my parents about my concerns about my brother after they pass away. It was tough, but it resolved a lot of issues I was concerned about. They made changes to their will to ensure things I was afraid of couldn't happen without ALL siblings consent. Believe it or not, they were glad I came to them because they didn't even consider some of the things I brought to their attention.

With respect to the cousins. Since this is the last year they are "entitled" to the cottage, I would suggest you look into a way to have the locks changed as well as access to the keys. I realize you personally can't drive, but you could contact a locksmith in the area.

 

[sk8tngcanuck]

Johar,

I understand your plight!

When my Father in Law passed away, my Mother in Law used part of the proceeds from his estate to purchase a piece of property. The property is registered as jointly owned between herself, my husband and his brother. Prior to our moving to a new province, my brother in law worked a 4 on 4 off work schedule, so we were able to use the property for the 4 days that he was working, other than when we booked our regular holidays. Everything went well with these arrangements.

Since our move to another Province, we have encountered a problem with the agreement. Because we live 10 hours away, we are unable to assist in the maintenance of the place. We aren't there to mow lawns, weed flower beds, etc. This has introduced serious problems now. We have always split the annual fees for the resort (1500 dollars) 50/50. Because of our relocation, we are only able to use the property 2 weeks of the year, while he can use it anytime he wants. He has come to feel that because he is solely responsible for the maintenance, we should have to pay the entire user fee for the year to "pay him back" for the maintenance he does. We feel this is very unfair. We still pay our share of the costs associated with our personal piece of property, and half of the fees (the 1500) for the use of the common areas : pools, hot tubs, tennis, etc.

This year, my brother in law scheduled his holidays for the same time we had scheduled ours and was very angry that he was not able to come and go as he pleased at the property. We explained that they were more than welcome to visit us there, but that sleeping arrangements would be difficult as we had many visitors planned during our time.

It truly can be a nightmare when sharing property with family members.

Canuck