Ageing parent/Tough Decision

[Ladskater]

My mom is getting to the age where my family is considering assisted living for her. None of us are in a position to look after her at the moment. One of my sisters might be able to have her live in her home, but she and her husband just moved to Trail, BC which is quite far east close to the Alberta border. I would never see my mom. Anyway, it's getting to be quite worrisome. I would like to provide a place for her, but have not found a house yet. I really don't want my mom to live in a community home. I don't think she would be happy. She is used to her privacy. Any suggestions?

 

[Mathman]

My Mom, now 91, moved to an assisted care / retirement facility after my Dad died. We were very worried that she would be brokenhearted about leaving the home that she had lived in for sixty years, and that she would have privacy concerns.

It turned out to be the opposite in every way. Mom was so happy to be relieved of the responsibility of maintaining a home, plus, she was tickled to have a new set of friends and interests. Her health inproved 1000% in the first year she was there (so much so that she was able to move from the assisted living floors to the retirement floors), and is having the time of her life.

However, it is not cheap to find a suitable place.

Mathman

 

[Aloft04]

I was glad to see this topic.

Here I am pecking away at my laptop from my parent's home in Oregon where my husband and I have come to sort, clean, paint, encourage, cajole and generally feel guilty that we live 6 hours away......I understand your concerns.

Even though my dad's in a wheelchair, they both seem to be entrenched in this house and brush off any attempts at my "meddling"

 

[jp1andonly]

Have you asked your mom HER wishes? Perhaps she would like to move into an assisted living arrangement or maybe move into a small condo where she doesn't have to be responsible for yard work, etc and have a home care nurse come in and make her meals for her.

I think its important she be included in the discussions (if she is able) because she will hate it if you choose something she doesn't wnat and it can make her health suffer.

My mom is getting to the age where my family is considering assisted living for her. None of us are in a position to look after her at the moment. One of my sisters might be able to have her live in her home, but she and her husband just moved to Trail, BC which is quite far east close to the Alberta border. I would never see my mom. Anyway, it's getting to be quite worrisome. I would like to provide a place for her, but have not found a house yet. I really don't want my mom to live in a community home. I don't think she would be happy. She is used to her privacy. Any suggestions?

 

[show 42]

Lad and all, I can really relate to this subject. My hubby's mom is in a full care facility as she is bed-ridden with advanced osteo and Parkinson's disease. Prior to this, she was in an assisted care facility/house with 5 other people plus a 24 hour care provider. When she was unable to get out of bed anymore to use the bathroom, we had to relocate her. We had to completely clean out her house, store or sell her items, and then sell her home within a two week period. I felt awful about doing this.

My mom is also a widow, and lives by herself on a ranch about 40 minutes from me (my two sisters are two and 6 hours away). She has hip and knee problems, but other wise in good health. She uses a walker to get around, but still drives. She recently spent a week in the hospital because of bleeding ulcers due to medication she had been using for arthritis. I shuffled myself between home, work, and the hospital feeling guilty that I couldn't do more. I am going this very afternoon to gather brochures on assisted living facilities. I explained to her that if she needs me to be there for her and to help her when she's ill, she needs to be closer to me. She can't have it both ways, that she needs to compromise......42

 

[Blue Bead]

Ladskater....Before you decide to put your mother into an assisted care facility, do a thorough check on the background of the people who work there, specifically that they do meet all the standards, educational and otherwise, to keep their facility and employee licensing currant. Also talk to the families of other residents in the facilities that your mother would have interest in. Ask them what they like and dislike about the facility and what problems they have run into. If a lot of loved-ones are complaining, find another assisted living facility no matter how affordable it might be. BTW, most of these places are quite expensive, at least they are here in the states.

My husband handled the financial and medical care for his father, now deceased, when he was in residence in such a facility in the state of Florida. To be blunt it was a nightmare times ten. When my father-in-law was hospitalized on more than one occasion and his apartment in the facility was unoccupied for the duration of his hospitalization, and the weekend and holiday housekeeping staff entered his apartment and stole his wallet and I.D. and several hundreds of dollars. Unfortunately we live 1100 miles from this facility and couldn't be there to monitor the situation; a complicating factor is that his father refused to move north to where we could have had regular contact with him and maybe could have prevented some of the problems which cropped up. The rest of my husband's family who did live closer, and could have kept tabs on him, couldn't be bothered to take the time out of their personal lives.

The facility was understaffed and frequently hired temporary help from supposedly approved agencies, or at least that is what they told us, LOL. My father-in-law was had advanced senor dementia, and was also a diabetic and the kitchen and dietetic staff could never get his menu correct, so he'd be served food he wasn't supposed to eat. Of course this threw his sugar count way out of whack and the supervisor would contact the doctor who would ship him off the the hospital. This gave the temporary housekeeping staff time to enter his apartment and make off with whatever they could.

Do be very careful of what facility you move your mother into and be certain that she wants to go there in the first place.

Blue Bead

 

[heyang]

another thing to consider is illness. I read somewhere that the establishments vary on their definition of 'assisted' living. Some do more than others. It's important to consider because if your parent should require constant care, the facility may not provide that much support.

My grandfather is 92 and lives in an active adult community. My retired uncle drives him around. He used to live with my uncle and his family, but he got cranky when they had his driver's license suspended and decided to move out. Grandpa didn't like losing his independence, but he really wasn't a safe driver and it was best to get him off the road. He still goes out with friends and plays mah johng everyday - which keeps his mind sharp. However, the body is not moving as easily and he really can't hear very well. I made it a point to dance with him at my cousin's wedding since I don't know if he'll be around if I ever get married.

My friend's grandma just got in an accident where she flipped her car over. Fortunately, she wasn't seriously injured and no one else was involved. They still don't know what caused her to blackout. Since the source isn't neurological, the doctors had to release her suspension and she wants to buy another car. My friend and the rest of the family have volunteered to driver her around, but she's adament about maintaining her indepence.

So, please make sure you discuss any moves with your parent so that they don't feel that they've lost control.

 

[sk8tngcanuck]

HI Ladskater

I understand your dilemna! It is so tough to ensure you are helping to make the rigth decision for your aging parents.

My mother in law, while IMO still quite young (64) was no longer comfortable living on her own after the death of my FIL. She lives 40 min from the city and no longer would drive at night or in the winter. She also depended heavily on my hubby to do things like yard work, household repairs etc. and when we moved, she was left completely alone. She made the decision to enter a retirement facility so she wouldn't be left alone. The facility she chose offers the individual their own suite to make as homey as they wish. She has all her meals in the dining room with the other residents (the food is absolutely to die for) and there are so many activiities that she never feels lonely. She has housekeeping once per week and a linen service. There are shuttles that take them wherever they need to go. They have outings all the time that she just loves. Last fall, they drove to the Okanagan and visited a winery and then all went for a picnic lunch. AT Xmas time, they had a tour of the city and went and looked at all the Xmas light displays. She is always busy with one thing or another. She loves it so much. She has her own space, but still has peace of mind knowing there are professionals at the ready if she should have any type of emergency.

Here is the website for the home she is in.

www.berwickrc.com

Perhaps an environment like this would be exactly what you are looking for.

Canuck

 

[Doggygirl]

Hi Ladskater...

Just wanted to wish you well coming up with a solution with your Mom that will work well for her, and for the rest of your family. My parents aren't quite at that point yet, but Dad is starting to have some health problems and it's just a difficult situation to face in a close family.

Thinking of you...

DG

 

[Dee4707]

Lad, I know exactly where you are coming from. My mom was pretty active until last September. She ended up in the hospital for a couple of weeks with a heart condition. She didn’t want to go to an assisted living community so 2 of my brothers and I take care of her place for her. She said she wouldn’t be happy anywhere else. We cook, clean, laundry, grocery shop and try to get her out once in while. This is really hard to do when you work a 40-50 hour week. She is going to be 85 this coming Thursday and I am thankful that she is getting better. Right now, I am not so sure that she isn’t just taking advantage of us but we chalk it up to her being a sly fox if that’s what she’s doing.

Last week she told my brother that her clothes were too big and she wanted him to take her shopping. He called me about the situation and I knew she had been packing away clothes over the years. I got into her closet and she had brand new clothes packed away. I got them out and washed what could be and pressed, hung them up and told her that she had now about 6 pair of new slacks and blouses. When I went to fix her dinner last evening I noticed she was wearing the clothes that she was complaining about being too big and asked why she wasn’t wearing the clothes I washed and pressed for her. Her response was…….oh, I will when I go somewhere. I just said OK. I’ve learned over the past 7 months, why argue, just keep quiet. Sometimes, I just want to pull my hair out!!!! Every once in while my two brothers and I get together to discuss what’s happening and laugh over the things like the big clothes situation. At the time it’s happening it isn’t funny. It can be very stressful.

Another difficult area is dividing the work up equally. My 2 younger brothers don’t help at all because they are too busy…………..like I’m not. If it was left up to them, I’m sure mom would not be here.

Lad, all our situations are different but the one thing we have in common is that they are all heart breaking. I wish all our stories could turn out like Math’s mom but such is not the case here. I will keep you in my thoughts that a good decision will be made for all of you.

Dee

 

[RealtorGal]

My husband put my MIL in an assisted living/retirement facility a few months ago. She actually seems quite content. For my MIL, "content" is HUGE! IIf she's not complaining, that's really a good sign for her. She has her own space and eats with others. We wish she'd get more involved in activities there, but that just isn't her. Her health is monitored by the staff. She is relieved to not have to 1) live on her own and take care of an apt. and 2) live with her daughter. (That was a big disaster.) We don't even live in the same country, so we are relieved that she is in an environment that seems to suit her.

 

[Ladskater]

WoW! Thanks for all the great replies. It really helps to read of others experiences in this area. I am checking into some of the assisted living facilities here in the lower mainland. They are quite expensive, so don't even know if that will be an option for my mom. What I would like to do is buy a house with a suite for her. However, my husband is not quite ready to house hunt so that is on the back burner so to speak. In the meantime, my mom needs to start thinking about what she wants.

Thanks again for the all the great advice. I will keep you posted.

 

[33leprechaun]

Ladskater,
This is so tough. Good luck to you.