Thank you so much

I think I know what to look for. It's helpful to know to size for the heel and ball of foot width and ask them about widening the toe box if it isn't too off. Yes, I can see on my Jackson Freestyles that the insole is small but the uppers bulge to the side.
Skaters Edge said they didn't stock GRAF anymore so couldn't order them for me, as they had long wait times for restocking and no one asked for them. They do have Jacksons (I asked specifically about Supreme Pro 5320) and Risports in stock.
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I saw my podiatrist who seemed to understand the different mechanics of skating as he mentioned edges. When thinking about the heel lift, ruled out usual issues causing that in walking shoes and thought it must be the skate fit, as the foot is so locked in the boot. He said my foot has a natural low arch, which you can't 'fix' and isn't a problem, you just support it when under load or causing problems. Coincidentally I met up with my dad who I noticed had the same arch and foot shape. Go figure
He attached a C-shaped semi compressed felt arch support under the Jackson stock insole, saying it was easier to save boot space this way than a custom orthotic. He gave me a cutout of a thinner thickness C shape cutout felt to use if this one felt too much support, or I could add it to this one if I needed more support.
He also gave me some felt circle pads of the same felt material to put over a metatarsal bone spur and wondered if part of my forefoot numbness was actually due to compression of the bone spur and referred nerve numbness, not necessarily forefoot compression.
He advised me too to skip that bone spur area when tying, so I skipped two holes up around that area and tied the whole foot less tightly.
(For anyone reading, he said the adhesive semi compressible felt material is easy to buy on aliexpress/temu or locally, and it seems of a good foam density to me - easy to experiment with)
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Outcome:
The arch support made quite a big difference to my feeling of ankle support and it felt like my ankle was locked in for the first time after tying it tightly, and I was skating through my leg rather than my foot, if it makes any sense. I noticed too that my blades were more balanced at rest (or even slightly tending to an outside edge), previously they were always on an inside edge standing still. I still find outside edges hard but I think that may be less due to my foot problems and more due to technique, as it doesn't have as much of the 'collapsing' feeling as it did before.
My feet didn't go numb, possibly due to the circle pad or and/or the toe box stretching by the shoe repair shop. I wonder as well, that maybe I can tie my boots more effectively now, as before tying them tighter in any area could tend to push my weak arch down and cause issues.
The heel lift has gotten a bit better with the better ankle fit + a large heel grip, I can rock onto my forefoot without excess heel lifting. If I take the heel grip out my heel does still raise however.
The podiatrist said the heel grip is important to be in the right place but is quite hard to place. For me it was about 1-2cm above the bottom. As you want the stick out part to be above the curve of your heel to stop it lifting, not at the bottom of the shoe.
I'll go to Auckland (well my flights are non-refundable anyway!). I want to get the best fit, and even with less pain and fit issues, I wonder if the heel could fit better and you've emphasized the importance of the heel.
I'm curious too that the skate tech said from my virtual fit measurements that I would fit a Jackson C rather than D, it is strange. Perhaps they are talking about the heel.
I imagine the heel grip isn't a permanent solution, that it might easily break down compared to a proper boot material.
I'm more hopeful I'll be able to either make Jacksons work with some modifications. So I can use these boots for now for classes, and I can find another model that works like the Jackson Supreme 5320, perhaps in a split width for the heel fit.
I added some photos to the gallery of the heel grip I have from the shoe shop, the felt arch support and how I'm lacing the skates to deal with a tender point. If it's helpful to anyone with similar issues. I attached a helpful collection of lacing tricks I found too -
https://postimg.cc/gallery/BLqFVwQ
Thank you for your input it's been very useful to understand and be able to piece some of this together

I'm definitely an overanalyser and have a sometimes irrational need to know 'why' for everything. Apparently it was good academically as when I was a child if I couldn't solve a maths problem I'd work at it endlessly until I did. But not so good for anxiety and everyday life sometimes