But don't despair, figure-jumping fans! Male figure-skating may no longer be for 'men', but Plushy is ready to help...
Coming to Fox this spring and airing opposite “Shaq Vs.”
“Who’s the Man” starring Evgeni Plushenko.
Famous for declaring that, “If it does not have Quad, it is not Man’s sport.”, Evgeni will tour the world challenging famous athletes from other sports to “perform Quad or be declared girl.” Plushenko will then take part in the famous athlete’s sport to show them what “real man” can do.
Filming has reportedly gone well and a sneak preview of Episode 4 has been made available…..
Fade in..
Plushenko is shown flying through the air in his signature quad-triple combination, again and again. A voice-over says, “Tonight on ‘Who’s the Man’, Evgeni Plushenko will show the of Mixed Martial Arts just who’s tough and who’s going to fall after 2 rotations. Recapping our season so far we have seen Evgeni as he dazzled us with his artistry and testosterone in the sports of…”
Episode 1 - Greco Roman Wrestling
Evgeni meets fellow countryman and 12-time world super-heavyweight champion Alexander Karelin to see if Karelin had what it takes to be a Man on the ice. Completing just one-and-a-half rotations in the air, Karelin is taunted and taunted until Plushenko’s voice is hoarse. Moving to the wrestling mat from the ice, Plushy unfortunately succumbs to Karelin’s famous Reverse Body Lift and suffers a severe concussion and several broken ribs. Karelin storms off the mat and proceeds to demolish a nearby building with his bare hands.
Episode 2 - Ice Hockey
After emerging from a 4-week stay in the hospital and being told to, “avoid bright lights for a few weeks to help with the headaches,” Evgeni dons a pair of sunglasses and heads to Philadelphia where an old-timers game of the 1976 Flyers is scheduled.
“At least hockey players know ice; maybe they will show me Quad,” quips Plushy.
The closest any of the Flyers come is 2 ½ rotations from Bobby ‘twinkletoes’ Clarke. Some mockery ensues from both sides as Dave ‘the hammer’ Schultz mutters, “I knew Clarke was light in the loafers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” and Plushy shoots back, “You are not ‘Hammer’, you are ‘Lace Doily’ Schultz. Changing in their toepicks for flat blades, the hockey portion of the show lasts exactly 4 seconds before Shultz pulls Plushenko’s sweater over his head and pounds him in the face 52 times as his team-mates keep count while drinking a few brews at the boards. The episode ends with a rag-doll Plushenko lying on the ice in a spreading pool of blood and Schultz at an Eagles game fighting 5 Cowboys fans at one time.
Episode 3 – Professional Boxing
Plushy is shown emerging from the dental surgeon’s where brand-new bridgework has replaced the 9 teeth he lost in the previous episode. Healing stitches cover roughly half his face. Admiring himself in the mirror, Plushenko says, “Ladies love scars…and Quad.”
A black stretch limousine pulls up to the arena and out emerges…’Iron’ Mike Tyson. After 10 seconds of bleeped obscenities from both sides, the picture is cut and a disclaimer comes on the screen saying, “This episode has been deemed to be too violent and outrageous for Fox. Copies are available for download on iTunes for just $4.99. Now stay tuned for a preview episode of Fox’s new reality series, “Who wants to be a pole dancer?”
Episode 4 – Mixed Martial Arts
Our hero is shown in an intensive care unit in a full body cast. Smiling for the camera, he says, “Van Gogh also had one ear only – I am going to be famous artist when I am done dazzling world and loving ladies with Quad.” After several months of physical therapy, Plushy declares himself ready to humiliate the next “contact-sport pansy”. Behind-the-scenes cameras show negotiations with UFC President Dana White making Georges St-Pierre the famous athlete. Plushy’s people list his various injuries to date, emphasizing his ruptured spleen, and ask if the gentlemanly St. Pierre will, “really try Quad and not react badly if he fails”. Everything is going fine until St. Pierre reinjures his abductor muscle just before filming is to begin, whereupon he is replaced by 280-lb, no-fuse psychopath monster Brock Lesnar.
Stunning the entire audience, Minnesota boy Lesnar reveals that he loved skating as a child and his hero was none other than US legend Brian Boitano. His father had created a back-yard rink at the family farm in hopes of encouraging a hockey career but all Lesnar wanted to do was Axels and Spread Eagles as well as the famed ‘'Tano triple' Lutz. Lesnar does his best to get up speed and tries the quad toe again and again. Plushy shouts mocking encouragement all the time, using lines like “Get your **** in the air, girl!” and “White Americans can’t Jump!”. Finally, as Lesnar fails once again Plushenko has enough, saying, “You cannot do Quad. You are woman, not man.”
Lesnar, with a face now roughly the colour of the Chinese flag, storms up and says, “I’m going to make you MY woman in the cage!”
After another cut-away from Fox declaring the action too hot to broadcast, the voice-over declares that this will be the last episode of “Who’s the Man.” Evgeni has decided to move in with Brock on Lesnar’s farm in the Dakotas and is considering having The Surgery.
Rhinoplasty, that is. Get your minds out of the gutter.